LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN
Library Staff: Gigolo Joe vol. 42, no. 32
Amanda Jean Turncoat August 28, 1942
Dear Crabby,
Where have all the nice men gone? I cannot seem to find a guy who is not a smoker, who does not drink, who does not cuss, who is not on drugs! If I do, they are married!
Sincerely yours, In Search Of
Dear In Search Of,
Try looking in the morgue!
MORE preferred customers of the month are Meme the Secretary and Phil Lazerbeam.
Star Boars Pt. 42
[Editor’s note: Please go back to Library Scatterbrain – G if you have nor read the two previous parts of this story – thank you.]
Back at the planet, Idonwannabehere, the Pebble forces were winning. The Imperial Fleet had backed off. Victory was the Pebels! So, they decided to have a victory party with champlain and everything.
“Yeah!” yelled everyone at once while filling their glasses with champlain. Landed, Con, C3B0, Chewbaco, and Princess Lay were all sitting at the same table. Chewbaco gave out a victory cheer.
“You can say that again!” Con said.
“AAURGGHHH!!”
“I didn’t mean it literally!”
“Oh, look darling, here comes our beloved son, Conbluke,” Lay said.
“Mama, Daddy!” Conbluke said. “Victory is ours!”
“Ha, ha, ha!” Con laughed, “it most certainly is! Sit up here on my knee.”
Landed nationally inquired, “When did you two have a kid?”
Lay replied, “Just now. It’s what you call filler to take up more movie time so that the writers don’t have to tax their brains.”
“Oh.” Landed said. “Hey, look over there at the door.”
C3B0 remarked, “Why, it’s Master Bluke and RUOKO.”
Con snipped, “Well, look who’s finally come back after all the fighting’s over!”
Lay said, “He had his reasons for leaving, I’m sure.”
“Yeah, he’s chicken!” Con said. “He’s also a Tantoonial Blizzergil!”
“Oh, you’re so cold ever since you were carbonated!”
“Hey, that’s hitting below the belt!”
P. Adam 12
“No, this is hitting below the belt!” she said while socking his right thigh.
“Greetings everyone,” Starcrawler said. “Congratulations on your victory!”
“One of which you were no part of!” Con exclaimed.
“Hey, I had my reasons. I had to seek understanding! I’m ready to face Barth Vlad now.”
“Well, goody two shoes for you!” Con replied.
“Con,” Lay said, “shut up.”
In the compounds of Bluke’s mind he heard the hiss hiss of Barth Vlad. “He’s here. I hear him. He came alone.”
Con looked around and asked, “Do you hear anything Landed?”
“No, just these Hallelujahs.”
“I must go to him,” Bluke said.
“No, Bluke don’t! You mustn’t,” Lay said, “Little Conbluke here is really your son!”
Bluke replied, “I have to go!”
“He’ll kill you Bluke, don’t do it!” Lay yelled.
“Yeah,” Con said, “don’t let him kill you, I want to be the one to have that privilege!”
“Good-by,” Bluke said.
Con yelled, “Come back here you liver bellied sap mucker!”
Lay yelled, “Stop it, Con! It’s not true; it was just a ploy to get Bluke to stay here. Conbluke is really your child.”
“Hey, heck, I knew that. I was just playing along with your scheme to keep Bluke here. Maybe we should go help him.”
“No,” Landed said, “this is something Bluke has to do on his own.”
Bluke was now facing his father’s dark clothed body. Light sabers lighted, Vlad came for Bluke. “You must join me my son. For we are destined to be with one another.”
“No, it is you who must join me!”
“Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Me join you? I can’t return from the dark side of the Chorus!”
“Why not? All they sing is the theme to ‘Rosemary’s Baby’.”
“Well, it’s better than Hallelujah.”
Bluke replied while brushing his ear with his hand, “No, there’s also ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’.”
“So, I’ve got ‘Omen One, Two, and Three’, not to mention, but I am, ‘The Exorcist Tubular Bells’!”
“That is a good one!” Bluke said, “En garde!”
“On who?”
“En garde, that means ready for battle!”
Vlad said, “I must confess, son, you have grown much with the Chorus.”
“Even more than you realize!” he exclaimed while thrashing his saber about. “I can never kill you, Father.”
“I can kill you.”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“No?”
“No!”
“How come?”
“Because…”
“Because, why?”
“Because, I’m the hero, and heroes never die!”
“What about…about…well, there must be some hero down along the line who’s died.”
“Father, Gonzo…”
“Don’t say that name!”
“I must! Gonzo created you!”
“No!”
“Yes, Gonzo is good, therefore, you are good!”
“No, tempt me not!”
“You have been tempted all these years by the Emperor! You are not evil. I see the truth about you. You are good and perfect!”
“No!”
P. Zebra 3
“Yes! Father, evil has no power! It is unreal, untrue. Gonzo did not create evil, only good. He created you!”
“Yes!”
“Yes, come with me and we shall over come the Emperor with good, Gonzo, and the Chorus!”
“Yes! From now on I wear white!”
“Come, join me, take off your mask, and we shall go celebrate with my friends!”
“Friends, it’s been a long time since I’ve had any friends!”
Bluke said, “It’s probably your deodorant!” Lord Barth Vlad took off his mask and there underneath was a man with a black complexion.
“Why,” Bluke exclaimed, “you’re not my real father!”
“I know. I lied. So sue me!”
“What’s your name?”
“James Earl Jones.”
“How do you like that? They even took David Prowse’s face away from him!” Bluke said, “Well, as Porky says, ‘Da da, da dat’s all folks!’”
THE END, WE HOPE! Obey-Wan-Can-O-Peas’ voice says, ‘MAY THE CHORUS BE WITH YOU!”
–Amanda Jean Turncoat
Even MORE preferred customers are: tom Salad; Dave Westofeden; and Jack Beagle!
Movie Review: Conan the Barbarian
Arnold Wartzenaninger was huge in his role as Conan. This movie was on the whole very deep. It was also very brutal, bloody, gory, and nasty! (All the things that most people love to see in a film!) The story was good even though Arnold’s acting is not great, but most of the women in the audience did not seem to care! James Earl Jones was as evil as Dart Vader in this movie; however, I must admit that he lost his head! (Mostly over trivial things like the slaying of his pet monster cobra that was big enough to strangle, almost, King Kong.) It also stared Mako (which means ‘shark’) from Japan. You probably have seen Mako on TV. One of his first appearances was on I Dream of Jeannie. His character’s name was Kato Jeannie (he was Jeannie in disguise you see). He was, according to Amanda, very cute back then.
The music was very good; at least I thought so. I could not tell if it was the movie that was out of focus or if the kids in the projection booth were fooling around, but at any rate it was irritating!
I enjoyed this movie but I would not put it first on my list. I rate this one B.D.B. for Bloody Darn Bloody!
–Gigolo Joe
The Mailman’s New Motto
Through sleet, through rain, through snow, through black of night, through nuclear holocaust…nothing shall stop or delay the United Postal Service!
“Mommy, Mommy, I hate Suzi’s guts!”
“Shut up and eat them anyway!”
–Dawn Chainlink
“Mommy, Mommy, Dad just got runned over by a truck!”
“Michael, how can you be so mean, you know my lips are chapped!”
–Dan Wellwater
Movie Review: American Werewolf In London
I cannot give a fair review on this film because I only saw the last twenty minutes of it. I was late getting there because I woke up nude in the zoo with a pack of wolves that morning and I had to steal a little kid’s batch of balloons! But what part I did see was sort of humorous. It was also gross, very gross in parts. Especially the part where the werewolf was talking to all the people who were his dead victims stuck in limbo until he himself becomes dead! Did it have a happy ending? No. Rated S.N.L. for Sewageable National Lampoon.
–Gigolo Joe
If I did not kiss the girls me lips would grow all moldy, way haul away. well haul away yo!
King Louie was the King of France before the Revolution, way haul away. well haul away yo!
But then he got his head cut off which spoiled his constitution, way haul away. well haul away you!
–Captain Klutz
LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN
Library Staff: Gigolo Joe vol. 42, no. 33 September 3, 1976
Amanda Jean Turncoat
Office Changes
Please adjust your TV dial accordingly: Chris Glufclub has moved to the PP office and can be reached at X4323 (HEAD) or X5646 (JOHN). Eileen Againstabrickwall Gulfclub has moved into the barn with Bob Wicked and Terry Moo out in the pasture. Her new phone number is Xrated. Krisptina Boo Who Who’s library instruction office (half-baked) is Room 702, just behind 201. She shares it with Mary Ellen Camp, who also has a half-baked office somewhere over the rainbow, which has not moved. Please send library instruction mail to her marked in red lipstick.
Yes, this is all confusing. With time, the dust will settle, and we will all change offices again!
–Krisptina Boo Who Who
P. 1 One Lion 4
Movie Review: The Beastmaster
This movie stars Mark Singersowingmachine, Tanya Misterroberts, and John Amosenandy. It was somewhat similar to Conan but in its own way it was very different. It might even have been better; in fact it was better. The Beastmaster was the unborn child who grew up and took revenge on the evil priest that was in controll of the Beastmaster’s kingdom. However, the question remains, does the Beastmaster want to be king? Is it really good to be the king?
It should not be too difficult to figure out what a Beastmaster is. And that was what made the show – was his beasts. An eagle, a black tiger, and two little ferrets are his friends. The show was bloody, a little frightening for little kids (like me) and there were a few bare women’s chests. All in all, I found it to be good fiction, with humorous scenes and a few cliffhangers that were almost too unbelievable.
I rate this movie P.E. for People Eaters! And no, they were not purple!
–Gigolo Joe
Dave Westinhouse Rafts at Western Slope!
Dave Westinhouse, photographer for MMC, was on vacation last week up on the Western Slope. He went rafting down the mighty river and found it to be very foamy and wavy! We here at the Scatterbrain hope that he had a wonderful time!
–Amanda Jean Turncoat
I am an artist because I draw flies!
–Tom Salad
Pot Luck In the Garden Level!
Yes, on August 23, 1982 at 12:00 it was pot luck as to what food you chose to eat! The dishes were mostly salads and relishes with a few desserts and cheese, crackers, and bread. The only one who boycotted the lunch was Tom Salad. “I just couldn’t stand by and watch all my dear friends being eaten up so I just didn’t go!” was Tom’s reply when I asked him why did not come. There were other parties missing such as Dave Westinhouse, but we know that he was on vacation. (Smart guy!)
The only other two men missing were East Classroom’s A.V. Techs – Jim Longhorn ‘The Big Cheese’ and Dan Wellwater. This was due to the fact that they both were still in the hospital after the landing of E.C. when it fell from its orbit not too long ago! They are both recovering, however, and both will be returning to work this week when the new semester begins.
The talk of the lunch was Neal Givesitaway’s Blueberry Ice Cream. (He must have left it up on the HILL a little bit too long because it was almost Blueberry Soup. But it did not affect the taste any! Neal also brought his wife and daughter of six months, however, they did not taste good at all!
All in all, I kept hearing the same question over and over, “Who made a da salad?” We know it wasn’t Tom!
–Clint Kark; Daily Planet 1974
Music/Medium, No Longer Music/Medium, Moves Five Feet
Yes, sir re Bob! It took one whole day of hard labor to move Music/Medium, whose new name is Medium Resources, five whole feet!
Why did they move? I hear you ask. Well, it is so that they would have more office space, that’s why! You see, Mike ‘the Moose’ Marecheck moved from the Garden Level up to the second floor, thus Boris Budweiser had to move her desk so that Mike could move into her space.
Mike, however, missed his very first visitor, Don Rediferagoodreason, A.V. Tech instructor for Red Rocks Community College, because he was out doing whatever it is the Mike does when he is out. Don remarked to Scrawny Dull, an old student of his, “So, Mike’s out goofing off again, huh?” Miss Dull has this to say about Don, “If it wasn’t for Don, I wouldn’t be here at Malaria, because Don is the one who called me up and told me about the job. On a moving day like this, however, I don’t know whether to thank him or punch his guts out!”
–Amanda Jean Turncoat
P. 7 Up
Coming attractions: Don’t miss the complete story of Salad In Wonderland!
Another preferred customer is Roberta Ricearoni, a San Francisco treat, from Music Resources!
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth he may bite your nose off!
LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN
Library Staff: Gigolo Joe vol. 42, no. 34 September 10, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat
Salad In Wonderland
Once upon a time in a land called Malaria there was a graphic artist named Tom Salad. Tom was a hard worker, perhaps he worked too hard. His friend and co-worker was a photographer, Dave Western, who told him, “Tom, you need a rest, you’re working too hard!”
Tome just shrugged it off and went back to his letter machine. PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH! One day Tom was looking for Dave and thought he might be in the dark room. So, Tom journeyed in through the round door only something strange happened that never happened before! Was it the Twilight Zone? Was it the Boggle Zone? Was it the Red Zone? Whichever Zone it was, Tom found himself in a strange new place!
All of a sudden a rabbit ran past him! “I’m late! I’m late for a very important date!”
“Why,” Tom thought, “That rabbit looks like Larry Woodchip!” Tom ran after Larry Rabbit, “Come back, Larry! come Back!” Larry Rabbit snuck through a hole. Tom knew that he was too big for the hole. His eyes caught sight of a little bottle that read, “Drink me to become small.” Tom drank the liquid and his body shrunk. He went through the hole. He ran and ran, then to his amazement he saw a picnic table with strange people sitting around it, but oddly enough they all looked familiar.
There was Larry Rabbit glancing at his watch. “I’m late, I’m late!”
P. 1134
“Now tell us something new!” cried a man with a hat on.
“Dave Western!” Tom exclaimed.
“Where?” asked Dave the Madhatter.
Tom exclaimed, “You, you are Dave Western!”
“Me? Don’t be silly, I am the Madhatter! Come join us for tea.”
“Thank you, I’m thirsty.”
“Well, I’m Friday! How da you do?” asked Neal Tweedle Dee.
Loren Tweedle Dum replied, “Very well tank you!”
“But you guys are Neal Givesitaway and Loren Taylormade!”
“No, I’m Tweedle Dee!”
“And I’m Tweedle Dum! Or are you Tweedle Dum and me Tweedle Dee?” he asked Neal Tweedle Dee.
“Neither, I’m Starsky and you’re Hutch!” Tweedle Dee remarked.
Tweedle Dum said, “No, you Tarzan, me Jane!”
The Madhatter interrupted, “No, me doctor, you patient, he nurse!”
“Enough, enough!” Tom yelled, “I want to go back to work! This is crazy. Tea parties without tea! Where is the tea?”
“In Boston Harbor!” Larry Rabbit yelled.
“MEOW!”
“Who’s that?” Tom asked.
“That’s the Cheshire Cat!” Dave the Madhatter replied.
Tom said, “He looks more like Jack Beagle to me!”
“Meow! Never did I hear of a Jack Beagle. Cats hate dogs yuh know! I loves seagulls though, yum, yum!” he smacked his chops together.
“Hark! I hear the bugle! Run!” yelled Neal Tweedle Dee.
Tom asked, “What’s harmful about the bugle?”
“It’s the Queen of Spades!” Loren Tweedle Dum answered.
It was too late, the Queen was there. Tom recognized her as Patrixias Fur-Kidds Maverick. “Off with their heads!” the Queen yelled to her nave.
Why it was Jim Mountain! “Him, you can’t take my head off!” Tom exclaimed
Jim Nave replied, “Heads must roll! Where’s the butter?”
In the distance was a trumpet. Patrixias Queen of Spades jerked up, “Drats! The Queen of Hearts is on the way! She always spoils my fun! Her heart is too big!”
The Queen of Hearts came and her court (or suit of cards). “Why,” Tom exclaimed, “it’s Murial Inda Woods! And there’s Mike Marecheck as her nave. The rest of the deck are Meme the secretary, Dan Wellwater, Jim Longhorn, Scrawny Dull, Greg Martinsheen, Paul Tattletell, Ron Highball, Bev Buck-an-ear, and Kia Kia her joker.”
Murial Queen of Hearts aid, “Stop this foolishness Queen of Spades! Leave and go back to your palace in the second kingdom!”
“One day, I shall have my fun!” Patrixias Queen yelled as she rode off with her deck, Jim the Nave, and Phill Lazerbeam the joker.
“Come,” said Murial Queen to Tom, “and join us, the Queen of Diamonds, and the Queen of Clubs and her musical troop!”
“Sounds like fun! I will join you!”
Once he was there, he recognized the Queen of Clubs as being Boris Budweiser. Her nave was Steve Dental Floss, and some of her deck were Bobby Metzaball, Roberta Ricearoni, and Lulu Grotesky. There was teh Queen of Diamonds, Dawn Chainlink! (She’s Queen of Diamonds because it takes diamonds to pay for the movies they show every night.)
After partying a bit, Tom went to the Queen of Hearts to find out how to get back to work. “Oh, Queen of Hearts, tell me how to get back to work, please.”
“There is only one way I know.”
“What’s that?”
“You must promise to stop working so hard!”
“Very well then, I promise not to work so hard. I also promise to use Promise Margarine.”
“Now, you must tap your heels together and say over and over, ‘There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.’ And remember to party-on, Dude!”
Tom clicked his heels together and repeated the words. He found himself back at work at his desk. He looked at his watch. It read twelve o’clock. “Time for lunch!” And he lived happily ever after!
–Amanda Jean Turncoat
[Editor’s note: Unfortunately, Tom Salad did not live happily ever after. It was not long after publishing this little satire story that Mr. Salad was fired. But he did eventually get his job back. He remained at Malaria until he retired. Dave Western loved this story and he told me that only I could get away with writing something like this. At the time I had no idea what he was talking about. I guess I had e.s.p.?]
P. 98.6
Movie Review: Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
And now for something completely the same! Yes, if you have watched all of the Monty Python programs or bought all their records then you would be familiar with almost all to the material in this movie. But that is what makes it so much fun and enjoyable of a movie. There is, however, new material in the movie that is very, very funny.
If you have never, ever seen Monty Python’s Flying Circus then you will really love this movie. I really love the beginning credits! This movie takes place, of course, in New Your…I mean Hollywood, California. Among some of my favorite scripts were the Bruces, the Lumberjack song, the Argument, and When I Was a Kid We Lived In a Shoebox!
You’ll laugh all the way through this movie so I can recommend you go see it. I’ll leave you with these famous last words, “I got two legs from me hips to the ground and when I move ‘em they walk around. And when I lift ‘em they climb the stairs and when I shave ‘em they ain’t go hairs!”
–Gigolo Joe
Muchos Gracias
Muchos gracias tu Murial Inda Woods por use-a a la Xerox Machina in la Gardeno Level. Por with out her eat wood be mucho expencivo to put out la Library Scatterbrain! Gracias mas! Mas gracias?
–Frito Bandito
Movie Review: The Road Warrior
Awrrroooorrrraaaagggaawawwwaaaawahhhhhroarrrrrrrrrr!
What hideous noise is this that disturbs the serene tranquility of the great, stinking Australian Outback? Is it the Serpent that Swallowed Sydney? The Behemoth that Belched up Brisbane? The Appaition that Appauled Alice Springs? Nope! It is just Mad Max the Road Warrior in his 1,675 horsepower Renault “le mammywhammer” funny car, skwushing kangaroos, wunning over wombats and dinking with the baddies.
The Road Warrior is an unusual film in that it has both snob appeal and teen appeal. Most of the High Brow film critics give it about 3 ½ stars. Most of the punks, cretins, junkies, Hells Angels, low riders, low lifes, winos and motorheads who make up your typical drive-in set likes it because it is boss, bitchin’, groovy, fab, glitsy, gear, tuff, and extremely violent wid lotz gassy wheels. At least it’s not boring.
The film centers round its hero, Mad Max (Mel Hoop Gipson), who is rather disaffected or maybe even extremely disaffected or would you believe incredibly disaffected? Do you rmember the Frank Zappa song about the Hells Angel who could not sell his soul to the devil because all he was interested in was titties and beer? Well, Mad Max is even more disaffected than that, all Maxie is interested in is Alpo and gasoline. He uses the Alpo to keep himself and his dog (ugliest dog to ever land a movie role) running. He needs gasoline to keep “le mammywhammer” running.
Unfortunately, the road to Alp and gasoline is strewn with pitfalls. Pitfall #1 being Hoards of Feinds local 278. Hoards of Feinds local 278 is possibly the greatest set of baddies in recent voovie history. They are ruled by an extremely tacky entity known as “The Humnugus” and they make both typical motorcycle gangs and Imperial Stormtroopers look like troops of rowdy cub scouts. Their daily activities consist of robbing, killing, plundering, pillaging, killing, raping, stabbing, killing, shooting, stomping, raising hell, injuring, maiming, disemboweling, torturing, and killing. They like to wear shiny black leather cloths (kinky) with chromed spikes and built in knives and crossbows. With gasoline being the most precious substance in this post W.W.III world, they insist on cruising around the Outback in vehicles having a minimum of 900 horsepower. Their leader “The Humungus” is omnipotent because he posesses the worlds last remaining portable P.A. (M.E. 254 by M.M.C. reconing.)
“I YAM DA HUMUNGUS, GRAND HETMAN UV ALLA DA FEIND HOARDES AN EXTREME MAXIMUM EXAULTED HOT SHOT LEADER UV HOARDE OF FEINDS LOCAL 278. ALSO I YAM BOSSA ALLA DIS STINKIN WASTELAND WATCHA CALL YER GREAT OUTBACK (NOT A RESTAURANT). TOO WHIT I YAM NOT TA BE DINKED WID SO GIVE UP WILLYA?”
P. Car 54 Where Are You?
Well folks, the producers never claimed that The Road Warrior was an epic struggle between Good and Evil it is more of a struggle between Bad and Worse (even the good guys are pretty dam sleazy). But it does have some redeeming features:
I. The non-cutest and least lovable child star award goes to “The Feral Kid” who is a very seedy little brat who likes to cancel baddies with a stainless steel boomerang.
II. No romantic interest whatsoever. Maxie’s one true love Gina Wotalotabodia was killed in this film’s predecessor, Mad Max. The most romantic line in the whole moovie is: “I wuz wrong about you Maxie.”
III. Best damn chase scene in the history of the moovies. The last scene of The Road Warrior makes the chases in Raiders Of The Lost Ark and Bullit look like roller disco demonstrations.
IV. Most interesting side-kick award goes to “the Gyro Captain” an extremely skuzzy character who flies around in James Bond’s old gyrocopter (you only live twice) and drops Molotov cocktails and poisonous snakes down on Hoards of Fiends local 278. (He really doesn’t like to drop snakes because he would rather eat them for dinner.)
V. The Ugliest but most intelligent dog award goes to: Maxie’s pooch. At one point this mutated mutt holds up the Gyro Captain with a sawed off shotgun. (We would like to see Benji or Rin Tin Tin try that one.)
All in all I can recommend this film for general entertainment purposes, but be careful pulling out of the parking lot as a lot of teenagers like this film and it does seem to have an adverse effect on teenage hormonal secretions. Star Wars was a good film for children of all ages, The Road Warrior is more for adolescents of all ages.
–review by Gianclaudio “extreme unction” Macarelli
The above review, submitted for your approval (not ours), does not necessarily reflect the views of this station. If you have any comments then keep them to yourself! After all, we need all the help we can get.
–Gigolo Joe
And now for something completely different: A man with three chins!
One more preferred customer is Lulu Grotesky!
“Liver Come Back To Me!”
–Frankenstein Monster’s most favorite song.
LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN
Library Staff: Gigolo Joe Vol. 42, no. 35 September 27, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat
Cartoon is the convoluted work of Joe Marecheck (really submitted for fear of getting one’s legs broken).
Dear G. Joe
I really loved reading the moovie review on The Road Warrior! It was great! What wit, what critiquing, what a fantastic, marvelous view of this movie, which I have seen one hundred times so far! Mr. Macarelli could not have described it better! He should have a job with the New York Harrold! Have more of him, that’s an order!
–Joe “Capone” Marecheck
Dear Al,
Thanks ever so much for your letter, however, Mr. Macarelli is a free lance writer and too good for the Library Scatterbrain so we have told him he no longer can submit anything to us, however, considering it is you who wants him back, with your idle threat, we will be more than delighted to have him write for us if he has anything to give us.
Dear Gigolo,
That was the best cartoon I have ever seen in your newsletter! I’m talking, of course, about the one you had on the last page of your last issue. Whoever submitted it is very talented and has a great sense of humor! I also think that he captured my likeness wonderfully well! Was it Jim Longhorn or Joe Marecheck who gave it to you? Perhaps it was Scrawny Dull or Phil-it-to-de-rim Lazy?
–Dan Wellwater
P. 4
Continued from page 16…
Dear Mr. Waterpipes,
I promised not to reveal the Artist’s identity, and my word is as good as gold! Glad you enjoyed the cartoon, I myself found it to be absolutely hilarious because it is so true! Be sure not to miss our next issue, there is something very special in it that I think you might just absolutely hate!
Roving Reporter, John Henry, Reports
Hi again everyone! Today I am with my old pal Dean Butler again and someone else, Mr. Robert Blake! To refresh your memories, Dean was on Little House on the Prairie but now he is on Little House – A New Beginning, which starts this fall. You all know Robert Blake from the Italian Dinner roll he played in Beretta! His list of movie credits goes on and on. He was in Treasure of Brown Mother, which starred Humpy Bogarter. He was also in Falseman Catapulty’s film, In Cold Bla.
“So, Dean, how’s it going, Old Pal?”
“Pretty good, John.”
“I understand that your family has been in California for quite a long time.”
“That’s right, five generations. My great, great grandfather came around the horn in 1849 from Germany.”
“You sure he didn’t go round the bend?”
“Shud up yuh rummy!’ Blake told me.
Dean continued, “He became district attorney for San Francisco in a most unpredicted way.”
“Oh, how’s that?” I asked.
“The morning of 1906, when the big earthquake came, the district attorney was killed. My grandfather was late for work and he was coming across the Bay on the fairy when he saw the city fall. When he stepped off the boat he became district attorney.”
I said, “That’s one way of getting the job. Well, Robert, what have you been up to since Beretta?”
“I’ve been acting like a big jerk!”
“Well, that’s nothing new for you!” I said, “Yuh know what I mean?”
“Yeah, yeah, I know what yuh mean.”
“I heard that you built a three million dollar mansion to live in.”
“See what I mean? Dat’s da dummest t’ing I’ve ever done in my whole life!”
“Why’s that?”
“It ain’t me. dat’s why! I mean look ad all duh people in duh world who are starvin’ and I build a house worth tree million bucks! It’s ridiculous! I mean I slept in duh guest room!”
“Well, what are you going to do with the house then?”
“Would you like tuh live in a mansion?”
“Sure, but I don’t have three million dollars. My editor’s cheap! I see you still carry the unlit cigs around with you.”
“Yeah, it’s my pacifier.”
“Dean, did you know that Robert was one of the Gang?”
“Which one, Hell’s Angels or Charlie’s Angels?”
“Needer, Kid. I was one a duh Our Gang. I played Liddle Mickey!”
“Oh,” Dean responded, “one of the Little Rascals. I remember now, you were the fat one.”
“No, I wasn’t fat, dat was Spanky!”
“Oh, sorry, I guess I don’t remember you after all. Say, Robert Blake isn’t your real name is it?”
“No, it ain’t. My real name is Michael James Vinchensio Gubitosie.”
I said, “No wonder you changed it. I would have changed my name too!”
Dean said to me, “Shud up yuh rummy!”
“Hey,” Robert said, “you’re learnin’ Kid! You’re learnin’!” Then they both got up and walked away talking to one another. How do you like them apples?
Why do florists take vacations? So that they can get potted.
Why do telephone men take vacations? So that they do not go ding-ee in the head.
Why do lawyers go on vacation? So that they can sit around in their briefs.
Why do TV repairmen go on vacation? So that they can have a good reception.
Gihon Goose 