Gigolo Gander – C

GIGOLO GANDER

Gander Staff:  Gigolo Joe                                                                   Edition G        July 4th
Amanda Jean Turncoat

GILLETTE BLADE

(continued from post Gigolog Gander – B, so go back and read it if you have not read it yet)

     When we last left off our hero was asking the questions:  “Why do you want the Pink Puma’s…”  Ba dump, Ba dump!  “…name cleared?”
     “Because, after each robbery, the owner of the store or shop is murdered, that’s why!  They’re giving me a bad reputation!  The worst part is, they know who the Pink Puma’s…”  Ba dump, Ba dump!  “…identity is because they hit wherever I am.”
     “I get your dot.”
     “Isn’t that point?”
     “Where?”
     Meanwhile at Boara’s house…Boara is reading through some papers when the doorbell knocks.  “Who’s there?” she asked.
     “Mozart!”
     “Mozart who?”
     “Mozart usually bodies of water that run rings around castles!”
     “Come in, Morphean,” she said.
     The door opened and he walked in and looked her round in the eye.  “Wait until you hear what I have to tell you!”
     “How long do I have to wait, five hours?”
     “No, sit down and I’ll tell you.  Now, you wanted me to find out about the Pink Puma.”  Ba dump, Ba dump!
     “I did?”
     “Yes, you did!  Now, here’s what I have on him.  He’s an international fur thief.”
     “I already know that!’
     “I’m not finished.  His trademark is the Pink Puma.”  Ba dump, Ba dump!  “Say, what’s that music I keep hearing when ever I say the Pink Puma?”  Ba dump, Ba dump!
     “Oh, that’s Henry MacAceeny.”
     “Oh, well anyway, it seems like no one knows his true identity!  He’s never been caught.”
     “Great!  He’s probably out of the country by now!”
     “I don’t think so.”
     “Why?”
     “I’ll tell you why.  Last month a place in Venice was robbed, last week he hit a place in London.  Before he left either place after a robbery he went back and killed the owner of each place.”
     “That means that our client, Bell N. Howell, could be in serious danger.”
     “You know what I think, I think that Bell N. Howell, our client, is in serious danger!”
     “You’ve got a dot.”
     “Isn’t that point?”
     “Where?”
     “We’d better call her and warn her of the danger.”
     Just then came another knock from the doorbell.  “Who’s there?” Boara asked.
     “Boch.”
     “Boch who?”
     “Boch, boch, boch, boch, boch, boch!”
     “Sounds like a chicken,” Morphean said, “it must be Blade.”

P. Hup, two, three, four

     Blade and his brother came waltzing through the doorway.  The introductions began, “Boara, I would like to introduce my dancing partner to you, my brother Schick Blade.  We usually call him Schicky Green, because he’s so funny.”
     Schick said, “A man came up to me today and asked, ‘Did juh put the cat out?’  I said, ‘Heck, I didn’t even know he was on fire!’”
     Boara replied, “Yep, your jokes are green alright!”
     Gillette said, “This is my assistant, Boara Colt.”
     “Oh,” Schick said, “did it hurt?”
     “Why don’t we drop the pretense?” she asked.
     “If you do it might break!” Schick joked.
     “What’s your real name?” Boara continued.
     Gillette replied, “Little Joe, ask him again and you still won’t know!”
     “Hey!” Schick said, “I’m the one who’s the comedian, remember?”
     Gillette smiled, “Look, Boara, for reasons beyond his control, Schick can’t give you his real name.”
     Morphean said, “Oh, he’s a crook too huh!  Wonderful!”
     “Hey,” Schick asked, “how did you know?  Who are you anyway?”
     “To answer your first question, I’m a detective, your second, I’m Morphean.”
     Boara’s mind was in a whirl of thoughts as she thought over the day’s happenings and Gillette’s response to the Pink Puma.  Ba dump, Ba dump!  The sudden visit of his brother, it all fit together.  “Say,” she said, “you’re the Pink Puma!”  Ba dump, Ba dump!
     Gillette said, “There’s that music again!”
     Schick said, “Say, you are a good detective too!”
     “You’re under arrest!” Boara yelled.
     “I thought I was under a strain.  In fact, I think it’s the last strain to Clarksville!”
     “Boara, Boara, Boara!” Gillette said, “You can’t arrest him because he didn’t commit the crime!  He was framed!”
     “Was it mahogany or pine?” she asked.  “Look, this is the most silliest case we’ve ever been on.”
     “Must be Dr. Depper,” Morphean replied.
     “What?” Gillette asked.
     “The case, Dr. Depper!”
     Gillette announced, “Look, the reason why we came over here was to tell you that we believe that our client’s life is in danger!  I suggest that we go see Miss Howell before anything terrible happens to her.”
     Boara said, “You’ve hit the nail right on the thumb!”
     “Isn’t that head?” Gillette asked.
     Morphean asked, “Where?”
     Just then, across the city, came a blinding blast from a handgun.  The bullet flew through the air with the greatest of ease until it hit its object.  The object was none other than, you guessed it, Bell N. Howell.  But why?  Who?  Where?  And, well, we know how.  To find out these answers we have to depend on our detective friends to sniff out the clues.  Colonel Mustard in the hallway with the revolver.
     “What we must ask ourselves,” Gillette Blade remarked while standing over the dead body, “is who is Colonel Mustard anyway?”
     “What?” Boara asked.  “I would like to know who wrote this story!”
     Schick said, “Well, at least we know I’m innocent!”
     “And all this time I thought that you were my brother!”
     “Well,” Boara said while bending over the body, “whoever the murderer is, he wants to put the blame on the Pink Puma!”  Ba dump, Ba dump!  “Because here’s your calling card in blood!”

P. Pick um up and put um down!

     “My goodness, it is!  Thank heaven we got here before the police!” Schick said.
     “Were do we go from here?” Blade asked Boara.
     “How should I know?” she replied.
     “Well, you’re the detective!”
     Morphean cut in, “If I might be of some assistance, I believe that we should look for a man with a limp who has blond hair, blue eyes, and probably goes by the nick name of Lefty.”
     “How do you know that?” Blade inquired.
     He replied, “Just a stab in the dark.”
     “No,” Boara said, “she was shot in the dark!  Say does this remind you of something?”
     “Yes,” Gillette replied, “it reminds me of a Black Edwards film I once saw.”
     “Really?” Morphean retorted, “Everything reminds you of a movie!”
     “Well, Morphean, take a look at this!” Blade reached over and pulled the hair off of Bell’s head.  Underneath was a head with short hair.
     “You mean she’s a guy?” Boara asked.
     “No,” Blade answered, “she’s a woman impersonating a female impersonator!  It’s right out of the Victorian Principle movie with Julie Andrewstevenson and James D. Gardener!”
     “But why?” Boara asked.
     “Who knows?  Nothing is making very much since with this case!” Gillette exclaimed.
     “Seven Up?” Morphean asked.
     “No, thanks,” Schick said, “I’m on a diet.”
     “Well,” Boara announced, “I know who the murderer and the thief are!”
     All the men asked in unison, “You do?”
     “Yes.  They’re one in the same person!”
     “Even I know that Boara!” Gillette replied, “So…who is it Boara?”
     “Well, look at what we have.  Our client is robbed by the Pink Puma.”  Ba dump, Ba dump!  “Or, I should say, an imposter Pink Puma.”  Ba dump, Ba dump!  “Then the real Pink Puma…”  Ba dump, Ba Dump!  “…shows up as you know who’s brother.”
     Gillette cut in, “But I thought he was my brother!”
     She continued, “Next our client is murdered!  She is a female impersonating a female impersonator.”
     “What are you suggesting, Boara?” Morphean asked, “That we’re dumb?  We already know all of this!”
     “I know, but, and this is a big but…”
     “I know,” Gillette agreed, “it’s nicely shaped too!”
     She continued, “I have to rehash the scenario as all good detectives do in their mysteries!”
     Gillette said, “Ah, I get your snow drift, as Charlie Chan once said, ‘Murder like potato chip!  Murderer cannot stop at one!’”
     “What does that have to do with the price of eggs?” Morphean asked.
     “Nothing,” Gillette answered, “I’ve just always wanted to say it!”
     “May I continue?” Boara asked.  “The answer has been staring us in the face, or in this Pepsi case, it’s been blaring us in the ear!  The murderer is…Henry MacAceeny!”
     “Who died?” Morphean asked.
     “Bell N. Howell, our client!” Gillette answered.
     “No, no!  Who’s this Henry MacAceeny anyway?” Morphean asked.
     Boara said, “Our musical score writer, that’s who!”
     “Yes,” came a voice, “you’re right, Boara.  It is me!”
     “But why?” she asked.
     “You’re a detective, suppose you tell me!” Henry replied.
     “Alright, I will!  It is because you’ve gone over the bend and flew around the cuckoo’s next once too often!”

Paging Dr. Spock!

     “That’s around the bend and flew over the cuckoo’s nest!”
     “Right, well, am I right?” she asked.
     “No,” Henry replied.
     “Oh.”
     “The reason is because whoever is writing this story is blank on ideas!  She doesn’t know where to go with it so she’s making me the fall guy!”
     “I thought Flee Minors was the Fall Guy!” Gillette said.
     “Well,” Schick said, “now that my name and reputation are clear I guess I’ll be shuffling off to Buffalo.”
     Boara said, “Oh, what a shame!”
     Schick said, “You really have a thing for me don’t cha, Boara?”
     “Yes, how about a sock in the nose?”
     “Well, dear brother, if you ever need any help from me…” Blade cut Schick off.
     “You’ll assist me for after all, Blade is thicker than water!”
     “No, you’ll just have to suffer, I’m too good and important to help out a puny little detective like you!”
           –Amanda Jean Turncoat

Movie Review

Star Wars VI:  Return Of the Jedi
     Wow!  Fantastic!  Just like I knew it would be!!  The only problem is that you cannot talk about this movie to anyone because you will spoil it for them if you do!  I do not know of very many movies where the audience cheers and claps but during the whole Star Wars epic this is what happens.
     The people care about these characters!!  We should care; after all this is the third movie we have seen them in!
     There are a lot of things happening in this movie, lots of creatures, lots of action, lots to think about.  It is no wonder you have to go see it more than once, which is probably the intention behind all the special effects.
     Compared to the book, the movie moves much faster, but there is a little bit more information in the book, and you also get to know what the characters are feeling and thinking.  Fer instance, in the book it describes what Han is feeling and experiencing when he is released from his frozen tomb.  In the movie you do not really understand what pain he is going through.  Since I read the book first I understood what it was he was feeling and it made the movie much more emotional because of it.
     The main problem is putting up with all the little children; they cannot read so everyone is reading the subtitles out loud.  They are constantly asking questions because it is a little bit hard for them to comprehend what is going on.  So, their mommies try to explain it the best they can.  Do not worry too much about it though, because the volume is up so loud on the movie you will still be able to hear what is being said in the movie.
     After standing in line for two hours, fighting for a good seat, and waiting even longer for the movie to start, you will probably ask yourself if it is worth it.  I think you will say, “Yes.”
     It is a very entertaining and a very enjoyable movie.  I also suggest that you do read the books (if you have not already done so).
          –Gigolo Joe

Paging Dr. Frankenstein

How do I love thee, let me count the ways!
I love the nutty things that you always says.
I love you cause you’re silly,
I just love your dog Billy!
I love you for the hats you wear, the way you say, “Cute liddle ol’ Teddy Bear.”
I love you cause you are so good looking, for those high protein donuts that you is a cooking!
I love you for the way you fly airplanes, helicopters, garbage bags!
You’re the best, no one can deny.
I’ve got a bunch for you, of those ta-rash bags!
I don’t care what you eat,
Jus’ so long as it’s not my feet.
Go ahead and shave your head, I hope you like the things I’ve said.
How do I love thee?
Oh, that’s easy.
You’ve got the key to unlock my heart; I love you Murdock my, dear heart.
But alas it’s Dwight I really love
For he is Murdock my Turtle Dove.
Dwight’s the one who gives you soul
Without his talent’s you would be dull.
Steve may have created you with pen and strife; but it is Dwight who gave you life.
You are my favorite, the best there is; I love you both!  Here’s to your happiness!

ANNUAL A.V. TECH’S PICNIC

     This is Howard Cosell, coming to you almost live, again, from O’Cedar Park on this day of June 18, 1983, bringing you this spectacular clavichord of a final event.  If you can possibly remember back to last year’s boring, incipient, passé of events you will unwillingly recall that U.C.K.’s team took home the Aluminum Duck Award.  Now, at this time, day, hour, and centon we will see who will win this trichite trophy.  Will it be U.C.K. again?  Or will it be the Coloradodo Medical Center’s team, or perhaps Jefferson Cuckoo Schools’ team?  So far U.C.K. is in the lead, but this final event can turn the situation around.

Paging Dr. Ben Casey

     This year’s teams are a trite, tripe, and a tadpole different.  The Captain of the Jeff-Cu Team is once again “Randy California” Scott Phifer.  Scott’s wife, Kathy, joins him side by side, hand in hand in this competition, as they have not yet been surgically removed from an accidental touch which mysteriously occurred earlier today while using Krazy Glue, which is advertised on those obnoxious, obnubilate, obscurant commercials seen on the idiot box!  This may tend to be an unhandy handycap for their team!
     The Captain for the Med. Center is once again Sue Big MacEwen.  “Suzi, tell me, do you think you’ll win this year?”
     “Well, Howard, we’ve taken extra precautions this year.”
     “Such as what?”
     “Well, you remember last year when we lost the Three Legged A.V. Cart Race?”
     “I tried to forget, but unfortunately I had no such luck.  You lost that event because Chuckiepoo Cortier’s eyes became blinded when the rubber band around his ponytail broke.”
      “Exactly!  Well, this year we’ve plastered his hair down with Krazy Glue!’
     “Good thinking!  Now get out of my limelight!”  And once again the Captain of U.C.K.’s team is none other than Mike “Clyde” Marecheck.  There is one big problem for U.C.K. this year, which is the one little lady who helped them win so many events last year is not in the running this year.  Instead, she is out standing by the lake.  “Scrawny Dull, how do you feel about not being able to help your team win?”
     “Well, Howard, there’s not much I can do about it.  But I can, however, give them support hose by cheering them on!  You know, Howie, or perhaps you don’t, we’ve got lots of new people this year.  There’s John Daydreamsalot, Ross Dimesadozen, Tunafish Bowens, and Mike Houghwhos!”
     “Sounds like a long line up.”
     And now, the contestants are lining up for the final event, which is the Single Camera System Shuffle.  On the C.M.C. Team are Mark Spasmosa and Pet Jefferson, better known by his friends as P.J.  On the U.C.K. team is Beverly Buckanear and John Daydreams N. Technicoloranstereophonicsound.  Almost ran out of breath on that name!  And they’re off, in more ways than one!
     It is very close right now.  But this is the easiest part of the course.  Uh, oh, U.C.K.’s hit a rut in the path, this is indeed the most guanine sport I have ever seen!  U.C.K.’s in trouble, when they hit the Chuck Corkson Hole they also lost a wheel.  These ruts are named after Chuck Corkson because he was assigned to dig them up.  Strange that there doesn’t seem to be any in C.M.C.’s path!
     Randy and spouse are in trouble as they turn around the bend.  Yes, an irate instructor has pounced out of the bushes and is yelling at them.  I believe the instructor is being played by, Dan Wellwater, one of the Techs from U.C.K.
     C.M.C. is definitely in the lead now.  Yes, John and Bev have the wheel back on and have continued.  But wait, here we have it folks!  A double booking has occurred with C.M.C.’s Single Camera System.  Yes, they have reached a fork in the road!  Do they take it to Glaser Hall or do they give it to the Nurses for a Microteaching class?  Decisions, decisions!

Paging Dr. Honeydo

     Look at the speed of U.C.K.’s Team!  Those two are really hustling it!  The crowd is cheering them on; the Leggs are flying through the air!!!
     Look at this!  Now James Longhorn “The Big Cheese” who is portraying a Dean joins Wellwater!  It looks like J.C.S. is out of the game.
     Right now we have a tie with U.C.K. and C.M.C.  Look at them dodge those Larry Woodchips!  Whoa, this pandemonium, boredom is about to put me into unconscious slumber.  Now comes the setting up of equipment.  They are all well trained in this area.  The winner will be the team who gets the first test recording made.
     The Phifers are still trying to get by those two men from East Classroom.  Can you believe Jim Bob is singing to them with his guitar?
     It looks like things are going well.  But wait a moment I spoke to soon!  Yes, yes, indeed.  C.M.C. is out of luck!  Somebody has cut one of their co-axial cables and they do not have a spare!
     Could it be that someone is cheating?  Look at Ross Dimesadozen, he’s grinning from ear to earring.  Is that a knife I see in his hand?  No matter, undoubtedly U.C.K. is again the winner of the Aluminum Duck Award!  “Mike, Mike Marecheck, what do you have to say about your triumph?”
     “I knew we could do it!”
     “I think you won because your team cheated!”
     “So says you!”
     “Yeah,” Sue agreed, “they cheated!”
     Mike replied, “Likely story!  It’s all Scrawny’s fault!”
     “That’s it, blame it all on me!  I can’t even lift ten pounds anymore!  So, put the blame all on my shoulders, I’ll try to hold it up!”
     And so, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, another inconsumable, incurrence of indigenous, indignant ragweed malapropism if I’ve ever heard one!
     Next year guys and gals don’t call me ‘cause I won’t call you!  This is Howard Cosell saying, good day and don’t let your toupee’s sway!

Movie Review

Octopussy
     Aside from its almost nasty title we find out that Octopussy is just a nickname given to a daughter by her father while growing up and nada mas!
     This movie is filled with stunts, excitement, destruction, death, excitement, and more stunts.  The storyline is interesting but the script continuity is poor, very poor.
     You would think, if you have a brain that is, that they would have more respect for the audience’s intelligence.  All right, so the movie was fun, but we need more than fun, we need intelligence, Mr. Spock!  If this movie is to be a spy movie then the plot should be solid, without holes.  I think the producers were only thinking about the laughs and the stunts.
     Yes, I enjoyed the movie, but after you start to think about what you saw you begin to wonder if the writers were at fault, or if the editor has cut out some vital pieces of information, or if they just think of their audience as unintelligent people who will not notice a slip up.  I rate this movie 007.

YELLOWBIRD, I mean, YELLOWBEARD
     Yes, you can tell, most certainly, that this is a Monty Python type of movie.  It was funny, crude, and had a cast of many wonderful people.  There was the late Marty Feltman, Eric Idle’s ‘is Engine, John Cheese (as Blind Pew), Madassa Hat Kahn, Graham Cracker Chapman (as Yellowbeard), Cheap and Chung, and many others!  You’ll enjoy this movie if you are a Monty Python fan, and if you don’t like this type of humor then stay home!!!
     I rate this movie ARG as in ARG ye mate-tees!  Ship ahoy, and all that rot!!!

Good-by NEEMIE, we all shall miss you!

          –Mural Inda Woods

HAVE A GREAT 4^TH OF JULY WEEKEND HOLLIDAY!!!

     This has been a special edition brought to you by GUMMO  — the only bubble gum that sticks to the roof of your mouth!!!  And remember, it is always blackest right before everything goes dark!!!

Library Scatterbrain – D

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff:  Gigolo Joe                                                                   vol. 42, no. 20     June 7, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat

Word Processor Has Been Delivered!

     The long-awaited Betta Macro Model 1042 Word Processing Supervue has finally come after its one-month overdue date.  Nurses Kathy Brownspeed, Hasel Nutzalas, & myself have already gotten acquainted with it.  Dr. Chris Gulfofmexico and Dr. Orlando N. Dawn are quoted as saying, “We’re just grateful that it wasn’t a breech of contract delivery!”
          –Beatriz Montoyota

Marecheck Mob Makes Move

     It looks like the Marecheck Mob is making their move to take over the Library.  Once of the Scatterbrain reporters spotted Mike “Clyde” Marecheck and Shirley “Bonnie” Marecheck carrying in bundles to the Library from parking lot P.  When our reporter investigated these bundles, what was found?  BASEBALL BATS!  Yes, we here at the Scatterbrain believe that their hit man, Joe “Capone” Marecheck, uses these bats instead of guns.  It is much quieter and much more messy.
     The leader of the gang, Sabastian “Baby Face” Marecheck, was heard to say, “Googoo Gaga!”  Our decoders interpret this to say, “Let the dice roll!”
          –Anonymous, for fear of severe beating.

Movie Review:  Victor Victoria
    Victor Victoria is he or isn’t he, only his hairdresser knows for sure!  This movie takes place in Gay Paris of 1943.  Stars are Julie Andrewstevenson; James D. Gardener; Robert Pressedham; and Alex Caracas the ex-football player.  I would rate this movie as a B flat.  If you like fairy tails, then I would suggest you go and see this flick.  Eye for one enjoyed it very much, since it only cost a dollar to get in.  I was also forced to sit in the first row, so my judgment might be blurred.  All the actors and actresses did a grand job and you could tell that they also had a gay time while shooting the movie. I can honestly recommend that you go see this one folks but only if you can stand to look at cockroaches.  The music is great!
          –Gigolo Joe

     Knock, knock!  Who’s there?  Joe!  Joe who?  Joe Mama!

P. 8754

Answer to Trivia Quiz:
     Ozzie Nelson of course!
          –Submitted by Patrixis fur’kidds Mavericording of this song?

A Brat Of A Nephew

     My nephew Jason was over last night and he wanted me to watch his favorite TV show.  It was five thirty p.m. and we were tuned to PBS.  I asked Jason, “Who is that man?”
     He replied, “Who.”
     I said, “That man with the big nose!”
     He repeated, “Who.”
     “That man with the big nose, the hat, and the mile long scarf around his neck.”
     He said, “Who!”
     “That’s what I’m asking you, who is that man?”
     “Yes!”
     “Yes, that’s a strange name for a man.”
     “No, not yes, but Who!”
     “That’s what I’m trying to find out!  What’s the man’s name?”
     “I’m telling you!  It’s Who, Doctor Who!”
     “Well, then who’s that doctor on NBC?
     “No, Quincy is the doctor on NBC.”
     “Might well be the doctor’s name on NBC,” I agreed.
     “No, he’s canceled.”
     “Who’s canceled?”
     “No, Welby’s canceled!”
          –Amanda Jean Turncoat

The Fool Guy (Part 1)

     Our story opens with a man sitting at a bar in LA, California.  While drinking his vodka he is also making conversation to a blond lady whom he is trying to pick up.
     “You sure are heavy!  Yuk, yuk, yuk!”
     “Put me down you brute!”
     “Yuk, yuk, anythin’ you say, heavy lady!  But first, before I do, I gotta get a little kiss-y-poo!  Yuk, yuk!”
     SMOOOOCCHHHH!!!  The lady dies in his arms.
     “Too much a man for yuh, hey?”
     The bartender came up and said, “She’s dead!  You killed her with your bad breath!  I’m calling the cops!”
     “But it was only a liddle accident!”
     “That’s what they all say.  You just stay there.  Why there’s a cop now.  Mr. Policeman, we need you to arrest this man for murder!”
     The cop came waltzin over, “Murder, who killed this poor unfortunate winch?”
     The bartender pointed at Mr. Yuk Yuk.  “It was him, Singapore Slim!  He killed her with his fatally bad breath!”
     “Why in that case, I have to arrest him for murder four!”
     Singapore asked, “Murda four, why I neva’ heard of it, what does it eva’ mean?”
     “It means, murder with the intent to torture to death!  I’m going to deliver you your Miranda Rights and Lefts.  You have the right to remain silent…”
     We switch to Foal Snivler who is on the set of Garfunkle and Garfunkle, you know the type of show, one of those detective adventure shows with little or no plot (sort of like this story).  They are shooting one of those average car chase scenes with Foal being the Fool Guy!
     Hownowie Browncowie, Foal’s nephew, is driving the lead car while Foal is driving the second car.  Over hill and dell they go bouncing up and down.  At an intersection, Hownowie drives in between two semi-trucks that happen to be heading toward each other.  Foal swerves his car to keep from running into the two trucks.  He drives over the curve, right over a lawn and into and through a wooden fence.  His car is still moving forward until it lands right into the deep end of a swimming pool.
     “Wow!” Hownowie exclaimed, “What a stunt!  What a Fool Guy that Foal is!”
     Meanwhile, at the jail, we see a familiar face talking to Singapore, who just happens to be in sing-sing.  “Hello,” she said, “I’m Spasmodic Jerk.”
     “You sure are!  Yuk, yuk, yuk.”
     “I’m also referred to as Big Jerk!  I’ve come to make bail for you, but before I do you have to promise me that you won’t jump bail.”
     “Oh, I promise!”
     “Good,” she said.
     Singapore whispered, “They don’t call yuh Big Jerk for nothin’!  Yuk, yuk!”
     “What was that?” she asked.
     “I don’t know, I didn’t see it!  Yuk, yuk!”
     Well, it was not but two minutes after Slim was out on bail that he headed straight for the airport.  That evening, Foal was relaxing in his out door bathtub, playing with his toy duck, when the phone rang.  You can guess who was on the other end of the line.  “Foal Snivler here, it’s your dime.”
     “Foal, thank heavens I found you.”
     “Well, I’ve been here for the past three hours soaking my weary bones.  What’s the problem, Big Jerk?”
     “Oh, I feel like such a fool, Foal!  I’ll give you a thousand dollars to bring back Singapore Slim!”
     “Sounds like a drink.  What did he do?” Foal asked.
     “He jumped bail.”
     “A bail of what?”
     “A bail of shaving cream!  Now, will you please be serious?”
     “Well, it’s a little hard to be serious about some clown who is wanted for jumping over a bail of shaving cream!  I didn’t realize that was a crime.”
     “It’s not, he’s wanted for murder in the 4^th degree.”
     “What’s the catch, Jerk?”
     “There’s no catch.”
     “I want at least three thou for this job.”
     “You drive a hard bargain, but okay it’s yours.”
     “Any leads to his were about?”
     “How should I know where he hides his where about?  That’s what you’re getting three thou for!”
     After Foal got out of the bathtub he went inside and got dressed.  Then he grabbed Hownowie by the collar and said, “Heel, boy!”
     Toady yelled, “Hey, how come I never get to go with you guys?”
     “Because, you’re a girl, Toady, that’s why.  Where we going, Foal?”
     “To the airport.”
     “Where we going, Foal?”
     “I just told juh kid, to the airport!”
“No, I mean, after we get to the airport.”
     “Don’t know yet.”
     Once at the airport Foal tracked down Singapore’s flight.  “Well, where are we going, Foal?”
     “North to Alaska.”
     “Where in Alaska?”
     “Juneau.”
     “No, I don’t know, tell me.”
     “Juneau!”
     “No, I don’t know!  Tell me where in Alaska!”
     “Juneau, Alaska!”
     “Yes, I know Alaska, but where in Alaska?”
     “I’m telling you!  Juneau!  Not, you know, but Juneau!”
     “Oh…Juneau!  I know now.  Juneau, it’s cold up there!”
     “No, hum a few bars and I’ll fake it!”

To be continued.

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff:  Gigolo Joe                                                                   vol. 42, no. 21     June 11, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat

Type O – above should read “I rate this movie ‘PG’ for pretty GROSS!”

The Fool Guy (part. 2)

     When we left off last time Foal and Hownowie were at the airport hot on the trail of Singapore Slim, who jumped bail.  Once Foal and Hownowie are in Juneau they quickly pick up the trail of Singapore.  “Say, Foal,” Hownowie asked, “what does this guy look like anyway?”
     He replied, “He’s medium height, blond hair, blue eyes, mid thirties…”
     “That could be the description of a lot of people, Foal.”
     “That’s why we’re getting paid the big bucks!”
     “Or you could say, that’s why we’re getting paid the huge doe!”
     “I could but I won’t.”
     “Say, Foal, why did the stuntman cross the road?”
     “I don’t know, Hownowie, but spare me the gory details.”
     “You never let me tell you any jokes!”
     “I wouldn’t mind if you told me jokes if they were good jokes.”
     “Yeah, well, in the school of Hard Knocks I learned some real classic jokes!”
     “Like what?”
     “Knock, knock!”
     “Oh no, I had to ask!  Okay, who’s there?”
     “Shelby.”
     “Shelby who?”
     “Shelby commin’ round the mountain when she comes, when she comes!”
     “I don’t get it, Kid!”
     “Never mind, I’ll explain it to you later.  Meanwhile, we better find Singapore Slim.”
     “Right. …Taxi!”
     Meanwhile Singapore Slim was on the dock approaching a boat called the Q. T.  As he went on board the captain walked up to him.  “Singapore Slim, you slime, what are you doing on my ship?”
     “Hi, Cap!”
     “That’s Captain Pie to you!”
     “I’m in trouble, Captain Pie.  I need to go far away from the U.S.A.”
     “What did you do this time, Slime?”
     “That’s Slim.  I jumped bail.”
     “A bail of what, hay?”
     “No, jail bail, they want me for murda’ four.”
     “You didn’t!”
     “It was an accident, yuk, yuk.”
     “I don’t know.  I could get my shipping license revoked for harboring a fugitive in this harbor.”
     “Oh, please, please, please, please!”
     “Oh, all right.  I never could stand a blubbering idiot!”
     “Thanks, Captain.  You won’t regret it, I promise.  I saw Amanda Jean a while back.”
     “Who’s Amanda Jean Awhileback?”
     “No, no!  Not Amanda Jean Awhileback, Amanda Jean Turncoat!”
     “Oh, well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
     “You know me, I always come in second place.  Yuk, yuk.”
     “How is she?”
     “She’s sa’vivin’ it ain’t easy.  I kin tell how much she misses yuh.”
     “Wow, Foal!” Hownowie exclaimed, “This is some fine igloo you booked us into!”
     “The finest Holliday Inn, in Juneau!  Nothing’s too big for us famous Hollywood stuntmen!”
     “I’ll say.”
     “You can’t, I already did.”
     Hownowie asked, “Well, where do you think we’ll find this Singapore Slim character?”
     “My hunch is that he’s going to try to leave the country by ship.”
     “That’s a great hunch, I bet you have something there.”
     “Where?”
     “In your pocket.  Is that an egg I see?”
     “Well, we didn’t have breakfast, I’m starved,” Foal said.
     “Me too, Foal.  But when I went to Julia Child’s College of Cooking we learned how to prepare whole meals in our pockets.”  Hownowie opened up his coat pocket so that Foal could glance inside.
     Foal said in surprise, “There’s scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, orange juice, coffee, and Wheaties for two inside your pocket!  How did you do that, Kid?”
     “Large pockets, Foal, large pockets.”
     “They must be bigger on the inside.”
     “Actually, they’re smaller on the outside.”
     “Well, we’d better get down to the shipping lanes if we’re going to find this terrible murderer.”
     “Aren’t we going to eat first?”
     “You go ahead, Kid.  You know I don’t like pocket lint.”
     “Just a little kink we haven’t been able to lick yet!”
     “I don’t want to even lick lint.”
     Down on the docks are our two heroes taking a gander at the ships.  Yes, Yogi and Booboo, I mean Foal and Hownowie, are checking all the boats to find a trace of Singapore Slim.  “Which one do you think he’s on Foal?”
     “One potato, two potatoes, three potatoes, four.  That one Hownowie, the Q. T.”
     “Isn’t that a wild guess, Foal?”
     “Where?  I always loved to watch wild geese fly!”
     “I’m going to get you a hearing aid, Foal.”  Hownowie asked, “How do we get on board with out being seen?”
     “Remember the Fonda picture?”
     “Oh, no, I’m not going to dress up like Jane again….”  LATER….  “You who, oh sailor boys!”
     “Say,” said one of the sailors, “isn’t that Jane Fonda?”
     “Sure looks like her to me,” said the first mate.
     “Oh, sailor boys!” Hownowie yelled while waving.  “Why don’t you turn toward me and I’ll put on a little show for you!”
     To be continued.

Governor’s Aid Fired!

     Governor Lamb’s aid, Bob Bahblacksheep, has been fired for inefficiency.  When I asked him what he did to get fired.  He replied, “The Governor asked me, ‘Bob Bahblacksheep, have you any wool?’  I said, ‘No, sir, not even three bags full.'”  So he fired me!  Hardly seems fair!
          –Clint Kark; Daily Planet/June Bug 82

     Preferred customers of the month goes to Beverly Buck-an-ear and Joe & Mike Marecheck.

     Happy Birthday to Carol Woodchevy-Automobilation; Eveline Tang-Orangeaid; Dawn Foster-parent-Adoptions; Alma Montoyota-Automobilation; Janis Pageboy-Messenger; and Alan Alda-Blood Circulation.  Happy Birthday to you all and to all a Happy Birthday!
          –Lyle Mitchumdeodorant-B.O. Department
            June 17^th  Birthday Boy!

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff:  Gigolo Joe                                         vol. 42, no. 22      June 18, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat

Movie Review:  Star Trek:  The Wrath of Khan

     If you are a Science Fiction fan, or possibly even a Star Trek fan, then you’ll love this movie!  I give it an A++++ on everything!  There is only one thing, if you have a phobia about earwigs then you had better stay away.
Stars are:  The Big Dipper; the North Star; William Shattered; Leonard Anemic; N. DeForest Kelly; James Dooitagain; Walter Toenig; George Takeitaway; Nichelle Nicholodian; Ricardo Cordova Montalban; and several other fine actors and actresses.
     The film is filled with many surprises and by now everyone knows that Doctor, I mean, Captain Spock dies.  Or does he?  As I see it, there are two possibilities of how he becomes alive again for Star Trek III.
          1)  Project Genesis
          2)  Spock discovers the Force
     Whatever, just go see it!
               –Gigolo Joe

The Fool Guy (part 3)

     When we last left off Hownowie was dressed up in drag to decoy for Foal.  As Hownowie decoyed, Foal threw a graveling hook up to the top of the ship and climbed up the rope.  Once on board he sneaked around to find Singapore Slim.  Slim was in the Captain’s office.  They were talking.
     “Say, Captain Pie, I haven’t seen your first mate, Coffeemate, on board.  Where eva’ is he?”
     “A sad tragedy, Slime.”
     “That’s Slim!”
     “Sorry, Slime.  Coffeemate was shark bait.  He sacrificed himself to save me and my crew.”
     “How gallant.”
     “How gullibly gallant.”
     “I guess the sharks did gulp him down.  Sad, sad.”
     The door busted open after one fatal kick from Foal.  Foal swooped into the room.  “How dare you burst into my cabin!  I’ll have you flogged!”
     “Who are you?” Foal asked.
     “I’m Captain Q. T. Pie!”
     “Who are you, sir?” Singapore Slim asked Foal.
     “I’m Foal Snivler.  I’m a stuntman who moons, I mean moonlights as a head hunter, I mean a bounty hunter.”
     “Cut, cut!” yelled the Director, “Flee Minors, do you think that you can get your lines right this time?”
     “Sure boss, I, I’m sorry.”
     “Okay, let’s take it from the top!  And,……action!”
     “Who are you, sir?”
     “I’m Foal Sniveler, I’m a stuntman who moonlights as a bounty hunter.”
     “Help me, Captain,” Singapore said, “he’s come tuh take me back!”
     “En garde!” Captain pie yelled while taking out his sword.
     “On who?” Foal asked, “Say, isn’t this a little unfair?  I mean, you have a sword and I don’t.”
     Captain Pie replied, “You’re a stuntman, stunt!”
     “That’s what I’m afraid of,” Foal cowardly cringed, “that you’ll stunt my growth!”
     Captain Pie swung the sword, missing Foal’s head by two millimeters.  Foal goosed, I mean ducked just in the nick of time.  Singapore sang, “Quack, quack!”  Foal grabbed the captain’s clock and threw it at the captain.
     “Cuckoo, cuckoo!” went the little bird.
     “That was a priceless antique given to me by me dear Amanda!  You shall surely pay for that!”
     “How much could it be worth?  Forty-two dollars?” Foal asked.
     “You shall pay with your life!”
     Foal jumped up and grabbed hold of the chandelier and swung on it.  He hoisted his legs and kicked the captain down.  Singapore Slim ran for the door when he saw the captain fall to the floor.  Foal grabbed Slim by the collar.  “Ring around the collar, ring around the collar!” Foal sang.
     “Alright, you got me!  I’ll go in peaceably, if you can find all the pieces that is!  See this belt I’m wearin’?”
     “Yes, I’m not deaf!”
     “Yuh sure ‘bout that?  Well, it’s a bomb, yuh get away or I’ll blow both a us up tuh kingdom come!”
     “Okay, okay you win!  Just tell me something.”
     “What’s that?”
     “Do you like Jane Fonda?”
     “I’m sort of fonda Jane Fonda.”
     “If you surrender to me I promise to introduce you to her.”
     “Really?”
     “Sure!”
     “Yuh gotta deal, Sniveler!”
     “Fine.”  They both left the ship and joined Hownowie on the dock.  Foal said, “Hey, Jane!  I want to introduce you to a friend of mine.  His name is Singapore Slim!”
     “Oh, come off it Foal, you know I’m not Jane Fonda.  I’m just your assistant, Hownowie.”
     “You have the ass part right,” Foal said.
     Slim exclaimed, “So, yuk, yuk, yuh tried tuh trick me!”
     KA BOOM!!!!
     Back in L. A. General Hospital Big Jerk and Toady were looking over two very bruised stuntmen.  “Well, Foal,” Jerk said, “you’ll be pleased to know that Singapore Slim is locked up and safely behind bars.”
     “Oh, that’s wonderful, Big Jerk.”
     Hownowie said, “I hope they’re not chocolate bars.”
     “Boo,” Toad booed, “you call that a half way decent joke to end this show with?”
     “No,” Hownowie said, “so how about…Knock, knock!”
     “Forget it!” Toady yelled, “Big Jerk, did you bring that dynamite?”
     “I sure did, Toady!  The last laugh is on you boys!”
     YUK, YUK!!!
          –Amanda Jean Turncoat

The Higher Ed Dilemma

What is “Central American Pots” we keep hearing about?
     This is the amount of money collected by the Joint Committee in the Long Island District to buy up all the grass they possibly can from Mexico.

How is the money collected?
     Basically, it is not a problem since everyone is willing to donate as much as they possibly can to the Joint Committee.

What are the Memories and Understanding?
     Nada mucho, since their minds are not clear on the issues anyway because they are loaded all the time.
          –Submarined by Jim Mountain

Robert Scorpio

     If you watch General Hospital then you are familiar with Tristan Rogers who plays the part of Robert Scorpio.  Well, in the show, Robert use to be a member of the World Security Bureau.  In other words, he was a spy!  His code name was CK8.  So, here are a few riddles for you to figure out about CK8.

1)  What is the name of CK8’s dog?
2)  What is Robert Scorpios’s girlfriend?
3)  Where does CK8 go shopping at?
4)  What does Scorpio yell when playing golf?
5)  What club does Robert Scorpio belong to?  (Answers are on the bottom of the page)

And now for some other sick riddles!

What excuse did Helen Keller give her teacher when she flunked her spelling test?
A.)  My fingers fell asleep!

Why did the spy cross the road?
A.)  To defect to the other side!

What time was it when the Chinese student had to go to the dentist?
A.)  Tooth hurty!

Chung Lee’s Confusions

     There is nothing so urgent today that will not be more urgent tomorrow.

     The perfect reality in matter is its nothingness.

Answers to the riddles.
A.  CK9
B.  She’s a CK-10.
C.  The CK Seven 11 store!
D.  CK 4!
E.  The CK 42 Club!

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff:  Gigolo Joe                                                                   vol. 42, no. 23     June 25, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat

     Effective June 7, 1942.  Boris Budweiser, as head honcho of Music Medium, will report directly to Muriel Inda Woods, as headhunter of the Medium Center, who is reporting directly to me.
          –Patrixias Fur-kidds Maverick

Hot Dog!

     Since Lori Burlesque is on vacation, and the Committee of Franks is hip deep in mustard, I have sent this message to the Scatterbrain hoping that they will be able to do something about the situation:
     Relish the thought that all that good stuff goes into those hot dogs!  That’s why we need your donations, to help us ketchup on our dues to the Marecheck Mob, by holding a Frankfurter Festival.  So, do not be a sauerkraut and come by and buy a few dogs at Droan’s Lake, 15^th and Hill View.  (Not to be confused with 15^th and Mountain View.)  All day!  June Bride.
          –Krisptina Boo Who Who

ALPO Picnic

     You are ripcordially invited to attend the official People Organization Picnic in the park.

WHERE:  City Park, by the cottonwood tree.
WHEN:    During the day!

     You are also respectfully requested to provide your own food and magic tricks.  Anyone got a Pac Man?
     Excursions to the zoo and museum will be offered to only those who are wearing one blue sock and one red sock.  Formal attire is required, however, you must wear your Adidas…
     R.S.V.P. if you can figure out our phone number.
          –Mary Dodgestraffic

Farwell to Richest Pricentown.

     Farwell Richest, who will be leaving on a jet plane, June better late than never.  Good luck in your new adventures for treasures of Sierra Madre!

Trivia Question

In The Greatest American Hero what is Agent Maxwell’s first name?
     A.  Maxwell—that is his first name.
     B.  Bill.
     C.  Agents do not have first names.

P. 42

Answer is B. for Bill!

Movie Review:  Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid
     I can honestly say that this movie was another Gumshoe film, mainly because people just toss their gum on the theatre floor and you step in it.  The movie was fun and enjoyable.  Everyone was cheesing it up.  The editing was fantastic, very well done (of course, I prefer mine rare).
     Stars were Steve Martini (a wild and woolly guy); Carl Watermelonrein; Rachel Montgomeryward; Reni Satontoni; Charles Pincherknee; Burt Linecaster; Barbara Candlewick; Humphrey Bogarter; James Acknee; Fred Innahurry; and many, many other big names.
     I rate this movie PI for pretty interesting.
          –Gigolo Joe

Chung Lee’s Confusions

     Man is like a mirror image, he reflects that which is real and deflects that which is unreal.

     Murder is like a Lay’s Potato Chip, murderer cannot stop at just one!

I Fall Down and Go Boom

I play horsy down the street, down the street, down the street.
When somebody moved the street, I fall down and go boom!
I get up and on my horse; broom of course, was my horse.
When somebody moved the horse, I fall down and go boom!

I cry, and cry, and run home to ma.
Oh me, oh my, how that certain place was hurtin’!
Mommy put me straight to bed, great big lump on my head.
When somebody moved the bed, I fall down and go boom!
–Jeanie Suzie

Barefoot Mama

Barefoot Mama, running through the house.
Barefoot Mama, she’s my little spouse.
Barefoot Mama, quiet as a mouse.
Barefoot Mama, she’s my little spouse.

Feed ‘em, change ‘em, put ‘em straight to bed.
She hasn’t the time for walking, so she runs instead.
Barefoot Mama, runnin’ through the house.
Barefoot Mama, she’s my little spouse.
My Barefoot Mama!
    –Paul Satchsquach

The Truth!

Mary had a little lamb, a little pork, a little jam.

Little Boy Blue come blow your nose.

Little Jackie Horner sitting in the corner because he tells so many lies.

Little Bo Peep is really a creep!

Little Miss Muffet stepped on the spider!

Mary Quite Contrary grows pot!  A lot!

And the fish ran away with the moon.

I Dropped My Dolly In The Dirt!

I dropped my dolly in the dirt, oh, boo who who who who!
Now she’s got a muddy shirt, oh, boo whoo whoo whoo who!
In the bathtub goes my dolly, now she’s getting wet.
Oh gosh, oh my, oh gee, oh golly, she’s drowning now I fret!
Cause she can’t swim!
Oh, it’s so grim!

Now we’re digging her a grave, oh, boo who who who who!
To the end she was so brave, oh, boo who who whoo whoo!
I dropped my dolly in the dirt, oh, boo who who who who!
I know it must a really hurt, oh, boo who who who who!
          –Dolly (begs your) Pardon

Movie Review:  E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
     I would say that this movie is out of this world!  Wonderful, wonderful.  I know I’ll be the first one to race out and buy an E.T. doll.

     What a wonderful movie, not just because of the special effects, but also because of the storyline, Peter Pan.  It is a movie that makes you feel for a man from another world.  It also shows you what E.T. is seeing as a visitor and that it is just as frightening, if not more so, for him than it is for any of us to see him.  At first you think, what an ugly little creature, but by the end of the film you do not care what he looks like because you love him.  In fact, you might even think that he is kind of cute!
          –Gigolo Joe

     Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow!

     The next edition will come out July 1 due to the 4^th of July weekend.  Look for it at your local supermarket!  It won’t be there, but have fun looking for it anyway!

Angel’s Charlies

By Betty Crackers

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WERE THREE CHARLIES.  THEY ALL HAD VERY HAZARDOUS JOBS AND I TOOK THEM ALL AWAY FROM THAT.  NOW THEY WORK FOR ME, IN MY STABLE.  MY NAME’S ANGEL AND THESE ARE ANGEL’S CHARLIES.

     As the scene opens there are three beautiful women sitting on a couch listening to the voice coming over a telephone speaker.  There is also a man sitting at a desk running a slide projector.
     “Good morning, Charlies.  How are you today?”
     “Fine, Angel, and you?” asked Saprina Charlie.
     “Oh,” said Angel, “I’m fine also.  Now that we have all the pleasantries over with let’s get down to business.”
     Jelly Charlie said, “Look, Angel, I’m not going to keep working for fifty bucks a John.”
     “Yeah, Angel,” said Klis Charlie, “we want a raise. Cleaning toilets is a nasty and hard job!”
     “Oh, you girls,” Bopsly chuckled, “Don’t mind the girls, Angel, they’re always making wise cracks about something.”
     Angel blurted out, “Just everybody shut up and look at the slides!”
     Saprina said, “I admit that slides are fun to go down but why do we need to look at them for?”
     “I’m going to ignore that comment, Saprina.  Now, this is your client.  His name is Blurt Renoldswrap.”
     “Oooo,” Jelly drooled, “he’s sexy!”
     “Oh no you don’t,” yelled Saprina, “I saw him first and he’s mine!”
     Angel interrupted, “Girls, girls, there’s enough of him to go around for all of you.  An arm for Jelly, a leg for Klis, and a head for Saprina.”
     Bopsly asked, “What about me, Angel?”
     “For you, Bopsly, the torso.”
     “Oh, gee thanks.  That’s the best part!”
     “But before any of you can have him you’ll have to find all his pieces and put them back together again.”
     Klis asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
     “It means that some master minded magician manipulated a mischievous plot to cut Blurt Renoldswrap into several pieces of mutilated masses and mailed them through the mail to many unknown addresses and zip codes.”
     “Oh, that’s awful!” Saprina declared.  “But on the bright side, I always was good at jigsaw puzzles.”
     Jelly Charlie asked, “If that’s so, Angel, and he’s our client, how in the world did you find out about it?”
     “Simple, Jelly my dear, I received Blurt’s stomach in today’s mail.”
     “How do you know it’s Blurt Renoldswrap’s stomach?” asked Bopsly.
     “Elementary my dear, Bobsly.  There’s a staple in his belly button.  Now, are there any more unintelligent questions you might care to ask?”
     Saprina ventured, “Just one.”
     “What is it?”
     “What do you look like, Angel?”
     “Somewhat like John Forthsight, my dear.  Good-by!”
     Jelly asked, “Gee, I wonder if that’s anything like hindsight!  Te, he, he, he!”
     Just then the door slammed open.  A dumb looking blond woman walked in.
     “Who are you?” Klis asked.
     “Why don’t you remember me, Klis dear?  I’m your sister Silly, silly.  Te, he, he, he!!”
     Jelly said, “You two do seem to have the same laugh!”
     Saprina said, “Oh, it’s you, Silly Charlie, sister to Klis Charlie.  You left our wonderful family for a Six Billion Dollar Bianic Man.”
     “Yes, it’s me.  With all my crowning glory, with all my beauty, and with all my money, not to mention my teeth – all forty-five of them!”
     Klis said, “And not to mention that ten dollar wig!”
     Silly said, “Did yuh ever get the feeling you aren’t loved?”
     Bopsly announced, “Well girls, now that we’ve had a lovely family reunion shall we get to work?”
     “You’re right, Bopsly,” Klis said, “We’ll let by gones be by gones.”
     Bopsly said, “One thing’s for sure, I’m not giving up my torso just because Silly is back.”
     “Gee, I must be a dumb blond, that one went right over my head!” Silly replied.
     Jelly asked, “Where do we start?  I mean there are a lot of magicians in this town.”
     Bopsly suggested, “Why don’t you check out the place where all the magicians hang out?”
     “Well,” Silly said, “I have a suggestion, why not go where all the magicians hang out?”
     “No,” said Klis, “I have a better idea.  We should go where all the magicians hang out.”
     “Good idea, Klis,” Saprina said.
     Silly remarked, “Didn’t I just say that?”
     Jelly said, “No.”
     “I could have sworn I heard somebody suggest it before I did.”
     “You did, Silly,” Bopsly said, “I suggested it!”
     “Oh, that’s right.  I knew I heard somebody else say it.”
     Saprina said, “Okay, I’ll go to the Magic Sandcastle.  I heard that Sloug Denning is there.”
     “Sloug Denning, gee,” Jelly creamed, “He’s one of my favorite magicians.  It couldn’t be him.”
     Saprina said, “I know, but I’d better check him out anyway.  That way he might show me a few tricks.”
     “And I’ll check out the Blundering Blackrock,” Klis said.
     “And I’ll go to the post offices,” Jelly said.
     “What should I do?” asked Silly.
     Jelly, Saprina, and Klis all said in unison, “Sit on it, Silly!”
     She asked, “Sit on what?”
     Bopsly said, “Great.  While the four of you snoop around I’ll go and take a vacation.”
     Saprina, Klis and Silly are at the Magic Sandcastle talking to all the magicians.
     “Hello, I’m Sloug Denning,” Sloug said to Saprina.  “Isn’t magic wonderful?  Did you know that the magic of today is the science of tomorrow?”
     “No, I did…” Sloug cut Saprina off.
     “Yes, it’s true.  The whole world is magic.  I began in the Broadway play – The Magic Show.  Did you see it?”
     “Uh, yes…” Saprina said.
     “I knew you had, you remind me of that type of person.  You are a woman with a fantasy imagination.”
     “Listen, beaver mouth, I don’t have all day to listen to you blab on about the Wonderful World of Disney!”
     “That’s magic!”
     “Whatever!  Now, do you know Blurt Renoldswrap?”
     “You mean Blurt Renoldswrap the movie star?”
     “Yes.”
     “I thought you might have been talking about Blurt Renoldswrap from my home town.”
     “No, I did not mean the man from your home town, unless he happens to be Blurt Renoldswrap the movie star. If he is not Blurt Renoldswrap the movie star then it is not him at all!  Would you please answer my previous question?”
     “No, I mean – no I don’t know him.  Why?”
     “Because some mad magician magically made the man into multiple masses and mailed him to Minneapolis, Montana, Michigan, Missouri, Mississippi, Mongolia, and many other mailing addresses beginning with the letter ‘M’!”
     “Marvelously malicious!  The trick, I mean.  Why think of it, Blurt Renoldswrap will probably make it into the Gennis Book of World Records for being the first man to be split up into pieces for the longest amount of time.”
     “Slug,” Saprina asked, “do you happen to know what magician would have the know in order to perform a magic trick like this one?”
     “Actually, we prefer to call them illusions today.  Let me see…there are only two men that I can think of right now, besides me who have such knowledge.”
     “Who’s that?” she asked.
     “Blundering Barry Blackrock and Harry Houdini.”
     “Houdini is dead.”
     “I know, I wrote a book about him.”
     “Well, then, how can you give me Houdini’s name as a suspect?”
     “It just slipped out.”
     “I see.”
     “I’m glad you’re not blind.  Of course, if you believe in life after death or life beyond death it could be Houdini!”
     “Well, I’ve never been the type to believe in ghosts.”
     “Not ghosts, spirits.  Boogie dust!”

——————

     Klis and Silly are talking to Blundering Blackrock.  Klis said, “You see, we’re sisters and we need jobs.  Is there any openings for magician’s helpers?”
     “Well,” Blackrock said, “I think I can make some openings.”
     “Oh good!” Silly said, “Just what I always wanted to be, a magician’s groupie!”
     “Silly, you’re silly,” Klis replied.
     “That’s my name, don’t wear it out!”
     “The last time I heard that line,” Blackrock said, “I was watching Jesus walk on water.”
     “Wow, you must be really old!” replied Klis.  A light bulb went off above her head, “Hey, wait a minute…are you saying that Jesus was a magician?”

————-

     Meanwhile, at the Post Office, Jelly was talking to the Post Master General Meals.  “General Meals, could you tell me if you’ve seen any magicians hanging around here?”
     “I don’t allow any hangings in my post office.  Maybe some of them other Post Masters do, but I run a tight ship here!  It’s too messy to have hangings; of course, it’s not half as messy as those gun shootouts over at Sam Littleton’s Post Office.  Every Wednesday night he has disgruntled employees hold them.  He has tuh have a cleanin’ lady come in and mop up.”
     “Excuse me,” Jelly broke in, “but isn’t this irrelevant?”
     “It’s not easy to expand these stories out you know.  Besides, this is my only scene.”
     “Well, when I said hanging around I didn’t mean it literally.  I meant it as loitering.”
     “Littering?  I don’t allow that either.”
     “No, I said loitering!”
     “Sorry, I forgot my glasses.”
     “Don’t you mean hearing aid?”
     “Precisely, my glasses are my hearing aids.”
     “Please, just answer the question.  Okay?”
     “What is the question?”
     “Have you seen any magicians hanging around?”
     “I don’t allow any hangings in my Post Office…”
     “Oh, brother!  I can see he’s forgetful too!”

—————–

     Meanwhile back with Saprina and Sloug, “Do you have any other ideas as to who may have committed this crime?”
     Sloug replied, “Well, if it’s not Harry, it could be Phony Clurtis or Paulo Michael Gladiator.  They both played Houdini in movies.”
     “No, it can’t be either of them.”
     “Why not?”
     “They’re both employed by Golding-Spellman Productions like all of us Charlies.”
     Sloug said, “Now there’s a strange coincidence for you!”
     “Well, do you have any further suggestions?”
     “Yes, go see the medium Madam Butterfly.”
     “Okay, thanks for your help.”

—————–

     Klis and Silly are working with their new boss.  “Okay, girls, now this is my newest trick.  It’s called sawing a woman in eighths.”
     “Isn’t eight pieces a lot of pieces?  I mean, what if you misplaced a part?” Silly nationally inquired.

—————–

     Later on, back at the stable, the four Charlies are back together again.  They have gotten each other up to date.  Saprina said, “Well, I’m off!”
     Jelly said, “Wait for me!”
     Klis said, “See you guys later.  We have a show to perform.”
     “Klis,” Silly asked, “how come you called them guys?  You know they’re the same sex as you and I.”
     “Silly, it was just a figure of speech.”
     “I know.  I was just testing you.”
     “That’s what you say to just about everything.”
     “I wouldn’t know.  I don’t believe I’ve ever met Mr. Everything before.”

—————

     At the Madam Butterfly séance Saprina and Jelly are sitting next to each other.  Everything is dark.  Madam Butterfly said, “Now, everyone join hands and I will attempt to reach Harry Houdini!”
     “This is fun,” Jelly whispered.
     “Quiet!” Madam Butterfly snapped.  “Now, I shall try to contact the spirits!  Calling all spirits!  Calling all spirits!  This is Madam Butterfly.  If anyone is on the receiver please give us a sign.”
     “KNOCK, KNOCK”
     Saprina yelled, “Who’s there?”
     The spirit replied, “Gorilla.”
     “Gorilla who?” Saprina asked.
     “Gorilla my dreams I love you!”
     “Oh, this is fun!” Jelly shrieked.  “Can I do a knock, knock joke, Mr. Spirit?”
     “Sure.  KNOCK, KNOCK.”
     “Who’s there?”
     “Maverick.”
     “Maverick who?”
     “Maverick-ording of this séance?”
     “Oh!” Butterfly yelled, “Spirit, let me do one too!”
     “KNOCK, KNOCK”
     “Who’s there?”
     “Ken.”
     “Ken who?”
     “Ken I have another drink of water?”
     “My turn,” Saprina said.
     “KNOCK, KNOCK”
     “Who’s there?”
     “Dave.”
     “Dave who?”
     “Dey vent dat a vay!  Enough jokes.  Can I connect you to the party of whom you wish to speak?”
     “Yes,” Butterfly said, “we want to talk to Mr. Harry Houdini – the world known famous magician.”
     “Area code?”
     “1134.”
     “Please, watch your language!  Just one moment.”
     “Hello?”
     “Mr. Houdini?” Butterfly asked.
     “You were maybe expecting chopped liver?”
     “No, but we could have dialed a wrong number.”
     “What do you wish to ask me?”
     “Excuse me, this is the operator.  Please deposit another ten cents.”
     “Darn tele-communications company!  They’ll rob you every time.  There, I’ve deposited the money,” the Madam said.
     “Okay,” said the operator, “Go ahead, its’ your dime.”
     “Not any more it isn’t.  Mr. Houdini…”
     “Please, call me Harry.”
     “Oh, alright.  Harry, we have two women here who would like to ask you a few questions.”
     “Harry, my name is Saprina Charlie.  Do you know a man named Blurt Renoldswrap?”
     “No, but I know a Blurt Suranwrap.”
     “Well, that’s no good,” Saprina said.  “Have you any knowledge of the trick – sawing a woman in eighths?”
     “That would be a rendition of sawing a woman in half.  Let’s see, I know of only one man who can accomplish that trick, who is alive on earth, and that’s the Blundering Barry Blackrock.”
     “Thank you, Mr. Houdini.  May the Force be with you!” Jelly said.
     “The what?”
     “Oh, I’m sorry.  They must not have Bore Wars in heaven,” Jelly replied.
     “Come on, Jelly.  If Blackrock is our man then Silly and Klis could be in real danger,” Saprina sputtered out.

—————

     At the Magic Sandcastle Blackrock’s act is on stage.  “And now, ladies and gentlemen, I shall perform my newest fantastic trick, sawing a woman in eighths!”
     “Oh, boo!” yelled a heckler from the audience, “I saw that on the Cardson show last week!”
     “Wait a second!” yelled Klis, “who performed that trick?”
     “Why Funny Cardson, of course!”
     “Holy mole-ee, Batman!  Come on Silly let’s split!”
     Silly said, “Please, don’t be so descriptive!”
     Blackrock yelled, “Hey, wait a minute!  You can’t leave now, not in the middle of my act!”
     “Sorry,” Silly said, “but we quit!”
     “You can’t quit, you’re fired!”
     As Silly and Klis were walking out the door they ran into Jelly and Saprina.  “Hey,” Saprina said, “where are you two going?”
     “We’re going straight to Ben Knee Sea Studios to get our man!” Klis said.
     “What are we,” Jelly asked, “Mounties?”
     “No,” Silly said, “we’re Angel’s Charlies!”
     “But I don’t understand who our man is!” Saprina exclaimed.
     “That’s easy,” Klis announced, “Funny Cardson is our man.”
     Later at Ben Knee Sea Studios, Ed McWoman announced, “And now, heeeerrrreeeee’s Funny!”  The audience roars with applause.
     “Ah, ha, ha, ha,” Funny said, “you, you’re a great audience.”
     “How great are we?” the audience asked.
     “Ah, ha, ha, ha.  You’re so great that Sarah Lee is trying to patent you!”
     Klis yelled to Cardson, “Alright, Turkey, freeze!”
     “If I did I’d be related to a cold duck!” Funny joked.
     “This is cereal!” Silly said.
     Saprina corrected, “That’s serious, Silly, not cereal.”
     “Who are you ladies?” asked Cardson, “The Marx Sisters?”
     Jelly replied, “No, we’re Angel’s Charlies and you’re under arrest!”
     “Oh really, I thought I was under a boom!”
     “Ladies and gentlemen,” Saprina yelled, “this man cut Blurt Renoldswrap up into eight pieces and sent them all through the mail to different addresses throughout the world!”
     “Boo!” yelled the audience.
     “Wait a minute,” Cardson pleaded, “It was a magic trick, a joke, that’s all it was, a joke.”
     “No, it wasn’t,” Klis said.
     He asked, “It wasn’t?”
     “No, you had to get rid of Blurt because he was a threat to your show!  Well, I’ve got news for you, if you would have stayed on your show every night instead of having guest hosts all the time you wouldn’t have felt threatened!” Klis told him.
     “Alright, I confess.  You’re right!  I’ll put pore Blurt back together again.  Just let me keep my show, that’s all I ask.”
     “Well,” Saprina said, “I guess it’ll be alright.  But your shows will have to come from the pen.”

————–

     Back at the stable, after everything is over, the Charlies are talking to Angel again (over the speaker phone).
     “Well, Charlies, it was a job well done.  And welcome back, Silly.”
     “Thanks, Angel,” Silly said.
     “Say, where’s Bopsly at?” Angel asked.
     “He took a vacation,” Saprina said.
     “Ah, ha.  Well, I’ll have to deduct a few dollars from this week’s pay check.”
     “So, that’s how you became a millionaire,” Jelly said.
     The door opened and in walked Blurt Renoldswrap.  He asked, “Are you ladies the ones who helped put me back together?”
     “Yes,” Silly drooled.
     Bopsly walked in, “Oh, my torso has arrived!”  He gives Blurt a big hug.
     “No, it’s my torso, buddy.  Back off.  Come on girls, I’ll take you all out on a date.”
     “Oh, goody,” Klis said.
     “By, Bopsly!” they all yelled.  He went to sit down.  Angel asked him, “What’s the matter, Bopsly?”
     He replied, “I always get left out.”
     “Alone again, naturally.”
     “You said it.”
     “Oh, buy the way, I’m deducting your vacation from your pay.”
     “Angel.”
     “Yes?”
     “Sit on it!”
     “Sit on what?”

The End

The Six Billion Dollar Man and the Bianic Woman

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN

By Betty Crackers

     As usual Steve Astin was late for his jet test at Kape Cod Kennedy.  The men in charge were really getting mad because he was two hours late.
     He finally arrived, “Here I am.”
     “Where have you been?” asked General Adams.
     “I decided to take a walk.”
     “A walk!  You’re two hours late, Astin!”
     “Would you believe I walked here all the way from Georgia?”
     “Who do you think you are, Maxwell Smart?  Never mind, just get into the jet.”
     “Yes, sir!” Astin said.

————–

     “Ladies, gentlemen,” announced Oscar M. Wiener.  “I would like to tell you my plans.  But first we need a victim.  You see, we are going to build a bi-anic man.  A bi-anic man is part machine.  He will cost roughly about six billion dollars.”
     All the people present at the conference gasped at the large amount.

————-

     From the air Steve Astin radioed, “This is Astin, something has gone wrong. …I can’t hold her, I’m loosing altitude.  She’s breaking up.  I’m going to crash!  AHHHH!!!”

————-

     “Well, I think we’ve got our man.  His name is Colonel Steve Astin.  He just crashed!” Wiener announced to the group at the conference.

LATER….
     Oscar asked, “Well, Dr. Rudy Frankenstein, can you build Astin a bi-anic arm, eye, and two legs?”
     “Ve vill try, bot it von’t be ea-cee!”
     “Vell, I mean, well do your best.  You have the best staff and six billion dollars.”
     Frankenstein looked at him saying, “Vell, I sank that should do dee chob.”
     The doctors went to work putting this wire here and that wire there.  And as they did Rudy said, “Ze little vire’s connected to ze bigger von, ze bigger von’s connected to ze main von, ze main von’s connected to ze fingers and that’s ze vay you build ze bi-anic arm!  And zeen you’ve got to have skin, lots and lots and lots of skin…”

LATER IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM…
     “Get me out of here!” yelled Astin.
     “Now, now.  Don’t you vant a new body?” asked Frankenstein.
     “No!”
     “To bad.  Okay guys bring him out. Ve are goink to operate on him!”
     “No, no, a thousand times no!” Steve objected.
     “To bad, I’ve got billions of reasons vhy you should say yes.”

LATER….
     “How do you feel Steve?” asked a beautiful nurse.
     “Like six billion bucks!  But when people touch my hand or arm won’t they think it feels strange?”
     “No, you see it feels like your normal hand and we gave you the sense of touch.”
     “Oh…can I walk?”
     “Not yet, but soon.”
     Many days later Steve was in a recreation room with Rudy Frankenstein and the nurse.
     “Come on, Steve, you can do it.  You can valk,” the doc said.
     “It’s really hard though,” whimpered Steve.
     “You vill get better.”
     And the doctor was right.  Not only was he walking but he could also run almost sixty miles per hour.  And he could lift great amounts of weight with his right arm.  His eye was built in with a telescopic and infrared lens.  His relationship with the nurse grew also.
     “Would it be possible for us to go on a picnic?” Steve asked her.
     “I think so,” she said.
     “Great.  Oh, by the way, what’s your name?”
     “Carla.”
     So they both went on a picnic and did the usual things.  “Carla,” Steve said, “I think you’re beautiful.”
     “Thank you, Steve, but don’t be blue, remember Frankenstein is ugly too.”
     Steve wondered what she meant by her remark, as do I because I wrote this story decades ago and I am totally lost!
     The two of them packed up the picnic and headed on down the road.  They came to a place where there was a woman on the side of the road.  She was frantically waving her arms.  They stopped their car and got out to help.  They ran over to where she was and asked what was wrong.
     She pointed to an overturned car that was down the hillside.  “My son.  He’s in the car!  He can’t get out!”
     “Don’t worry,” Steve said, “I’ll get him out.”  He ran over to the car and ripped the door off.  Then he had to tare the seat apart.  He grabbed the little boy and ran off to the top of the hill.  The car blew up when he was about twenty feet away.
     While Steve had been trying to get the boy out of the car a spring had caught on his arm and ripped the fake skin off.  His arm now had exposed wires. Steve said, “Here you go, mam.”
     “Oh, thank you very much,” she said.  Then she glanced at his arm and noticed the wires.  “What kind of a man are you?  You…you stay away!”
     “But…” The woman ran off with her son.  “Boy, is that gratitude for you!  People sure are prejudice!”

LATER AT THE HOSPITAL….
     Steve yelled, “No, Oscar, I refuse to go on any mission!”
     “You cost me six billion dollars and you’ll do what I say!”
     “Never!  I scared that lady today.”
     “So, she’s a fraidy-cat.  She made you feel like a Frankenstein monster.”
     “I am a Frankenstein monster!”
     “Unlike Humpty Dumpty we put you back together again.”
     “I’m not your robot even though I am built like one.  And I do not care to work for B.S.B.O.”
     “Alright, don’t do it.  See if I care!”
     Steve said after thinking it over, “Oh, I’ll do it.”
     “Oh, thank you, thank you!  Kiss, kiss, kiss.”
     “Man, stop kissing my feet!” Astin said.
     “It seems like I’ve heard those lines somewhere before,” said Oscar, “Come with me.  I’ll brief you on what you’re supposed to do.”
     In Oscar’s office they were talking about Steve’s first mission.  “About six months ago,” Oscar told him, “Arabia kidnapped one of Israel’s ambassadors, Isaac Benjamin Goldman.”
     “You know, I always thought that with grown ups it should be called adultnapped,” said Steve.
     “Steve, be serious,” said Oscar.  “Anyway, we want you to go in and get him back.”
     “Sure, what are you gonna do, drop me out of a plane?”
     “How did you know?”
     “Do I get a parachute?”
     “Of course you do!  After we drop you from the BC3 over Sobia Arabia, you’ll have to run about twenty miles, break through a concrete wall, and fly a plane out with the ambassador.”
     “I’ll never make it!”
     “Sure you will.  Remember, you’re the star of the show!”

LATER…
     A plane is flying over the Arabian Desert.  Steve Astin jumps from the plane’s open doorway.  He counts off the seconds, “One, two, three, four, …What’s next?  Oh yes, five, six, seve, …Next time I do this I must remember to brush up on my counting…. ten!”  He pulled the ripcord.
     Once on the ground he released himself from the chute and began to run.  Only we get to see him run in sssssllllllooooowwww mmmmoooootttttiiiiioooonnnnn!!!!!  These scenes take up about twenty minutes of film…..WAKE UP!!!
     Steve is now outside the Arabian camp.  Steve looks directly into the camera to speak to us, the viewing audience, “I finally made it.  It wouldn’t have taken so long, but I zigged when I should have zagged.  There’s the jail.”  He attacked a guard and dressed up in his uniform.  Then Steve skipped over to the jail, “Pisst!”  A man came over to the jail window.  “Are you the ambassador of Israel?”
     “No, I’m Mata Harri.  The ambassador died two weeks ago.”
     “How do you like that?  Mata, I’m Steve Astin.  How did he die?”
“I’m not really Mata Harri!  My real name is Marco Polo.  The Ambassador died by several bullet wounds.”
     “Oh!  What a way to go.”
     “Stick ‘em up,” yelled a guard from behind Astin.  “Cough, cough, cough.  On second thought put ‘em down.”
     Steve said, “Well, you run through the desert and see if you don’t get b.o.!”
     They put Astin in the jail and attached chains around his wrists.  He pulled the chains loose with his bi-anic strength.
     “How did you do that?” asked Marco in amazement.
    “Vitamins.  Now, for your chains.  Can you…ummph…fly a plane?”
     “Does a thief steal?”
     “There you go,” Steve said.
     “I haven’t gone anywhere yet!”
     Steve told him, “Stand back while I kick down the door.”
     KABOOM!!!!
     Steve yelled, “Run!”
     A guard yelled, “The prisoners are escaping!”
     Steve ran to a machine gun and began to shoot…. RAT A TAT-TAT… Steve began to run toward the airplane, which was already moving.  A bullet hit his left leg, then his right leg, but he kept on running.  He caught the plane and jumped into it.
     “Man,” said Marco, “I’ve never seen anyone run like that before in my life.”
     “Vitamins,” Steve said.

LATER AT THE HOSPITAL…..
     “Why did you lie to me about the ambassador being alive?”
     “It was bad Intel, I swear!”
     “Oscar, lean down here close to my mouth, I have something to tell you.”
     “What?”
     “Oscar, you’re a wiener!”
     “Really?  Like I haven’t heard that one before!”
     “Well, it was a bad mission!  I got two shot up legs.”
     “To let you in on a little secret, it turns out that you did do some good on the mission.”
     “How’s that?” Steve inquired.
     “Marco Polo, the man that you saved, was an Italian spy who gave us some great information about the Arabs.”
     Doctor Frankenstein interrupted, “Now, Steve, it’s time to go bed-y-by.  When you vake up you’ll ve all fixed up!”
     The end?  You should be so lucky!  About two seasons later (television seasons that is) Steve Astin was having a psychological test.  “Vell,” said Rudy Frankenstein, “Your tests have improved greatly since two seasons ago.”
     “Yes, I know, I’m the star.”
     “Carla, take Steve’s tape to security.”
     “Yes, Doctor,” she said.  Then she left the room.  Steve moved over to the window.  He noticed Carla hand a strange man Steve’s tape.
     “What’s she doing?” Steve ran outside and began to chase the car that the strange man had gotten into.  He jumped right over the twelve-foot fence but he could not catch up to the car.  He went back to the laboratory to confront his doctor.  “Alright, Rudy, who was he?”
     “Who vas who?”
     “You know who I’m talking about!”
     “No, I don’t know vhich who vas who you are talking about!”
     “And I thought you were my friend!”
     “I’m your doctor not your friend.”

LATER WHEN OSCAR ARRIVED…
     “Come on, Oscar.  I know what I saw,” Steve told him.
     “Well what did you see?” he asked.
     “I saw Carla give a man my tape.”
     “Ze tape iss down in zecurity,” Rudy said.
     “Come on.  Did you forget that you gave me a super eye?  I saw Carla hand that man a tape!  I thought you three were my friends.”
     “So?  Vhat are friends?” asked Rudy.
     “I would give you a definition but there’s not enough time in an hour show.”
     “Is that a hint to the network to cut out commercials?” asked Oscar.
     “Hey, that’s not a bad idea,” Astin replied.  “Oscar, let me look at the security cards.”
     “No!” yelled Oscar.  “Why do you think they are called security cards?”
     “Oscar, how would you like a bashed in head?”
     “Okay, I’ll let you look at them, Steve.”  They looked through all of the cards and the stranger’s picture was not among the cards.”
     “So you took his picture out,” said Steve.
     “That’s for me to know and you to find out, Stevie-boy,” Oscar replied.

LATER STEVE SEES CARLA CLEANING OUT HER DESK….
     She is holding a picture in her hands of the same man that she gave the tape to.  “That’s him!” Steve exclaimed.
     “Oh,” Carla said.
     “You fired or something?” Steve asked.
     “Yes, I got fired for what I did, Steve.”
     “Who is he?”
     “His name is Barney Miller.  He was a race car driver.  About a year ago he was in an accident.  We…I mean…I thought your psychological tape would help him adjust.”
     “You gave him bi-anics.”
     “Not me, but Oscar and Rudy, well, okay, I was the nurse during the operation, so in a way I did help give him bi-anics.”
     “Oh Carla…. I thought you and I had something special going on, and now this!  You fell for a different bi-anic man!
     “Yes.  But don’t worry, Steve, I’m sure that you’ll find someone else to love, perhaps a woman with a man’s name, during the summer time?”

LATER…..
     Steve followed Carla to a bar.  She went inside and Steve followed her in.  “Hello, Barney,” she said.
     “Hi, Carla.”
     “You had better lay off the sauce.”
     “I can handle it,” he said as he dipped his chip into the hot sauce.
     “Well, well, if it isn’t Barney Miller,” Steve said.
     “We have a celebrity ladies and gentlemen,” announced Barney, “An astronaut with incredible strength.  Arm wrestle with you, Steve.”
     “Okay,” Steve said.  They sat down at a table.  Back and forth went the two inhuman arms.  Barney overcame Steve and the table split right in half.
     “You’re not the only pea in a pod you know,” Barney told him.

LATER IN OSCAR’S OFFICE….
     “Oscar,” said Steve, “you lied to me.”
     “No I didn’t.  I just didn’t tell you that Barney was bi-anic.”
     “He’s not adjusting to it either,” Steve said.  “Have you seen all the hot sauce he guzzles down?  That’s just not right.”
     “He’ll shape up after his first mission, just like you did.”
     “I don’t think so, Oscar.  First off, I was an astronaut.  I was tried and tested for stress situations and taking orders from my insubordinates!  Miller is just a car racer.”
     “Oh, you’re just jealous.”
     “No, I’m not.  I like Barney.  I think that he would make a great cop on the streets of New York.”
     “You’ll see,” Oscar said, “he’ll adjust.”

————-

     Steve and Barney went on a mission together.  They disguised as telephone men.  You might say that they were up a pole on this mission.
     “You know we’ve got a good view up here on this pole,” Steve said.  “We’ll wait until we see the truck coming and then go get the box.  And remember, no rough stuff.”
     “Sure thing, Stevie-boy,” Barney said.  “How much did you cost?”
     “Six billion and you?”
     “Seven billion.  How many different pieces…?”
     “Four,” said Steve.
     “I’ve got five.  Two arms, two legs, and a nose.  You wouldn’t believe what I can smell!”
     Steve said, “Here comes the truck.”
     They waited for it to go into the yard below.  Then they jumped down off of the pole and ran towards the truck.  Steve ripped off the back door of the van and then grabbed the box.  He ran off with it.  Barney was beating up the other guys.  He socked one of them and the man flew clear across the ground.  Then Barney tipped a car over that had another man in it.  He beat up all the rest of the men severely.  Steve came running back to get him.
     “Hey, Barney, that’s enough!” he yelled.
     “Steve, I’m wild, it’s wild, and it’s terrific!”
     “Come on, you can’t enjoy beating up people.”
     “Try it, you’ll like it!”

————-

     Back at Oscar’s office Steve was discussing the mission, “Oscar, Barney can’t cope with his bi-anics!”
     “Maybe you’re right, Steve.  We’ll turn down his power.”
     “I’ll tell him,” Steve said.  “Oh, I want you to give Carla back her job or I’ll punch your face in.”
     “You’ve got it!” Oscar said.

LATER AT THAT SAME BAR….
     Steve saw Carla and Barney sitting at the bar.  “Barney, old pal, we’re going to cut down your bi-anic powers.”
     “I don’t want them to,” said Barney.
     “That’s tough.  I’m the star of this show and what I say goes!”
     “Well, I don’t give a BLEEP what you say!”
     “Barney, you can make it if you try. Even if it is in your Second Hundredth Year”
     “You know what bugs me, Stevie-boy?”
     “Cockroaches?” he asked.
     “No!  You do, Stevie-boy!  The fact that you made it and I can’t!”  Barney socked Steve in the stomach causing Steve to double over in pain.  Barney left to drive over to Oscar’s office.
     Barney asked Oscar, “Oscar, where’s the papers on the bi-anics?”
     “I can’t tell you,” Wiener said.
     “I’ll punch your face in.”
     “It’s in the safe!”
     Barney went over and opened the safe.  “These only tell where they are at,” Barney said.
     “I don’t keep important documents in a safe, not when maniacs like you can break into it.”
     “You’re the one that created this maniac!”
     “So I made a little mistake.”
     Barney left for the lab where he met Rudy.  “Alright, you’re gonna show me where those bi-anic papers are at, Rudy Tudy Fresh N. Fruity!”
     “Vut, I can do no such thing.”
     “Rudy, Tudy, Punch and Judy, I will kick you in the bootie!”
     “All vight…Computer, ON!”
     “Working…” said the computer. (Ooopps, wrong show!)
     Rudy showed Barney how to get the papers.  Steve drives up outside the lab where Oscar and his men are waiting.  “Steve, Miller is inside with Doctor Frankenstein.”
     “Let me go in, Oscar,” Steve said.  “Give me five minutes before you start coming in.”
     “Five?  Why not ten or twenty?”
     “I don’t know why, that’s just what the scriptwriter put down in the script!  It could be like hwo in the Westerns they always say that the bad guy has until sundown to get out of town.”
     “Okay, Steve, you have five minutes to get out of town.”
     “Thanks, Oscar.  You’re a real peach.”
     Steve went in and tracked down Barney.  In the mean time Barney was at the big safe that had all of the secret secrets inside.  He was trying to kick it open when… “Ooofff!!”  Barney said as Steve knocked him against the safe.  Then Barney got in a couple of blows and well, you know how it ends.  Steve wins, of course.  Yes, Steve saved the day, again.

LATER IN BARNEY’S HOSPITAL ROOM….
     “It sure is crowded in this bed,” Barney complains.
     “That’s because Carla’s fatter than she used to be,” Steve complained.
     “Me?  Listen, two’s company, three’s a crowd!” Carla complained.
     “Well, I’ve got to leave anyway,” Steve said.  “I think you’ll be better off now, Barney, now that you’re not as strong as you used to be.”
     “I thank you, Steve.  My mother thanks you, my fath…”
     Steve cuts him off, “That’s enough for one day, thank you.  Listen, Barney, good luck as a cop.”
     “Thanks, Steve.”
     “Good-by, Carla,” Steve said.
     “By, Steve, see you around,” she answered.
     “Especially on Friday nights and during The Pig Valley repeats,” added Barney.

The end….finally….until…..

THE BI-ANIC WOMAN

     Actually, I think that the writers could have named The Bi–anic Woman a different name – Blazing Summers!
     As you probably already know, the Bi-anic Woman is a spin off from that famous show, The Six Billion Dollar Man.
     You see, what happened was that Steve Astin went back to his old hometown of Oh-Why where he met his old flame Blazing Summers.  And they began to rekindle that old fire.  But just as it began to start sparking they went sky diving together.  Of course, Blazing was hurt when her parachute failed to open.
     And this is how Blazing received her bi-anic strength.  However, this was just the beginning.  After she recuperated from the operations that she had she returned home to Oh-Why where her and Steve were to get hitched up like a wagon.
     Of course, she is having problems with her bi-anics and fails to report it to Doctor Frankenstein.  She is then sent on a mission with Steve.  But everything gets fowled up because a little bird flew into her bi-anic ear.
     Well, she has to have an operation on her cuckoo-bird brain; only she dies on the dinner table, I mean the operating table.
     But one day Steve seems to think that he sees his long lost love.  Of course, Oscar, trying to be the friend that he is, tries to convince Steve that he is crazy.  What are friends for?
     But Steve does not give up until he finds out the truth, the truth that Jamie had been brought back to life by some young doctor.  However, there were complications.  Blazing lost her memory and has amnesia.  She fell in love with the young doctor that was looking after her.  Steve tries to become a part of her new life, however she ignores Steve.  This sends Steve into a chronic psoriases syllogism.
     In the mean time, Blazing is having these short memory glimpses into her past life that brings back an unbearable pain in her head.  Steve knows that he is the cause of her pain and that he must give her up.
     So Blazing is planning to go to Rudy Frankenstein’s hospital in Coloradodo Springs.  It is not too far away from Starplate Catering at Cayenne Mountain, but that’s a different story altogether!  Anyway, she has another operation where they put memory banks back into her brain.
     The operation was a success!  She regains her memory and goes off to Oh-Why, California, to become a schoolteacher to these little brats that no one else in the school can stand.

—————

     One bright and shinny morning, Blazing was on her way to school when the telephone rang.  It was none other than that man who goes under the code name of Tinker Bell.  Yes, you guessed it; it is Oscar Mayer.
     “Oh hello, Oscar, what is it this time?”
     “Blazing, so nice to hear your voice again.”
     Blazing said, “Quit beating around the bush, Oscar.  What is it you want?”
     “I vant to drink your blood.  No, just kidding.  There’s been a bomb planted in the Oval Office.  And we need you to get it out of the office before it blows up.”
     “But I’m hundreds of miles away from Washing-a-ton of Clothes!  Can’t you have Steve to iy?  I have to be at school in twenty minutes.”
     “No, Steve is in Bangor on another mission.”
     “Oh really?  What’s he doing?”
     “He’s trying to find these diamond smugglers.  They smuggle the diamonds out of the country through lobsters.  Now I want you to get on a jet and fly out her immediately.”
     “But Maine is closer than California!”
     “I don’t care if Russia invades China.  Just do what I tell you to do.”
     “Alright, but I have to find a substitute teacher first.”
     “Just do it, Blazing.”
     “Good-by, Oscar,” she hung up the phone and began to sing, “Oh, my big boss has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.  Oh, my big boss has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R.  I get more sick of him everyday and if you ask that’s why I’ll say, that Oscar Mayer has a way at B-U-L-L ‘um ‘ing me!”
     Blazing Summers is on her way to Casa Blanca, that’s Spanish for “White House”.  She is in a taxicab talking to the driver.  “Excuse me, sir.  But can’t you go any faster?  I have to defuse a bomb in the Oval Office.”
     “Lady, I don’t give any of my customers special treatment,” he said.
     “Excuse me, but it seems that you’ve slowed down.”
     “I’m for the President being blown sky-high.”
     “Oh,” she said in a surprised tone.  “Just let me out here.”
     “But this isn’t the White House.”
     “I know.  I’m going to run to the White House.”  She gets out of the car and begins to run in slow motion.
     The cab driver said, “Huh!  She runs slower than Jimmy Carter, and just slightly faster than Johnson did!”
     Blazing is running into the White House.  She sees Oscar at the front door, “Hello, Oscar.”
     “Hello, Blazing, thanks for coming.  Walk this way.”  He did a serpentine down the hallway.  She followed his example.  They enter the Oval Office.
     “Oscar, they call this the Oval Office?”  It looks like an ordinary square room to me.”
     “The bomb is over here.”
     “Oscar, I don’t know how to defuse a bomb,” she said.
     “Don’t worry about it.  You won’t die.”
     “How do you know?”
     “Because you’re the star of the show!  And besides, do you think that they would use real dynamite during the family hour?”
     “Well, I’ll do my best,” Twenty minutes later…”Well, here’s the bomb.”
     “You mean you defused it?” asked Oscar.
     “No, it’s still live but it’s unattached to the desk now.”
     “Blazing, that thing is going to go off in a matter of ten seconds!”
     “Oh!  I’ll have to throw it out the window!”  She used her bi-anic arm to fling the bomb across the yard.  “There, it’s out of the Oval Office.”
     BANG!!!!

————–

     A man walked into the room a few minutes later.  He looked like he had been charred and his clothes were all ragged and torn.  He replied, “Are you the ones who threw the bomb out the window?”
     “Yes,” said Oscar, “but she did the actual throwing.”
     “Oscar!” Blazing exclaimed.
     “Well,” said the man, “I just want you to know that I was almost killed.  And that you owe the government a couple million dollars for blowing up the Washington Monument!”
     Blazing replied, “Did you ever get the feeling that you should have stayed in bed?”
     Oscar and Blazing left the Oval Office and were walking down the hall when they saw a man falling down the stairs.  “Oscar,” said Blazing, “wasn’t that?’”
     “Yes, Blazing, that was the President.”

—————

     The next day Blazing was sitting at her desk when all of her little yard apes came rushing in.  A smart kid named Al-lick said, “Hey, Miss Summers, did you read the morning newspaper?  It seems that some stupid government agent blew up the Washington Monument!”
     “I wouldn’t say that the person was stupid.  They probably felt like the Washington Monument needed a little remodeling, that’s all.  Now sit down and be quiet!  Mary, how many times have I told you to leave your lamb at home?”

THE END……UNTIL THE BI-ANIC DOG…..

The Pig Valley

By Betty Crackers

     One day at the Broccoli Ranch-dressing, Heath-Bar, Jarred, and Nick were outside on their porch visiting with each other.  Then a stranger came riding up.  He was tall in the saddle and short out of the saddle.  The stranger looked over the Broccoli men very carefully and then said, “Howdy.”
     “Howdy,” said Nick, “can we help you?”
     “I sure would like a job here at the Broccoli Ranch-dressing.”
     “Well now, there’s a series of tests you have to take before we hire you,” Nick told him.  “You know we just can’t hire anyone that comes riding up.”
     “Name them, I’ll do them.”
     Heath-bar replied, “You have to dog tie a calf in three seconds, set up a fence post in two seconds, and break a horse in five seconds.”
     “That sounds easy enough.  Let’s get started.”
     Jarred asked, “What’s your name?”
     “Mark Spitts.”
     Nick said, “First you have to dog tie a calf, Mr. Spitts.”
     “Okay,” Mark said.  He took a rope, tied one end to the calf and then grabbed a mutt and tied it to the other end of the rope.  “Done!”
     “Hey, he’s fast,” Heath-bar said.  “Now let’s see you set up a fence post.”
     Mark jumped up on a post and sat on it.  “Finished.”
     “Remarkable!” Jarred exclaimed.
     Nick said, “Now you have to break a horse.”
     Mark took a glass horse from his pocket and dropped it on the ground.  Then he stamped on it.  It broke.
     “Well, it looks like you’re hired,” said Nick.
     “But there’s still one more test,” Heath added.
     “And what is that?” asked Mark.
     “Our sister Oddie has to approve of you so that she can fall in love once more!” Jarred told him.
     “Oddie!  Come outside!” yelled Nick.
     She came walking out the door and asked, “What’s all the commotion?”
     “We want you to meet Mark Spitts,” Nick said.
     “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Spitts.  You look like a real winner.”
     “Likewise, I’m sure.”
     “Well,” Nick said, “it looks like you’re hired.”
     LATER AT DINNER…”Oh, Mom,” Oddie said, “you ought to see the new ranch hand.”
     Victoria Broccoli replied, “Well, I’m sure that it looks like any other hand, four fingers and a thumb.”
     “Oh, Mom!  He’s very good looking,” Oddie added.
     “You should have seen him, Mom,” Victoria’s namesake enthusiastically said, “He dog tied a calf in two and a half seconds, then he set up a post in one second and finally he broke a horse in one second.”
     “Well, Nick, he sounds like a real He-Man,” Victoria said.
     Heath-bar said, “Well, he sure isn’t a She-Man!”  Changing the subject, he said, “I sure wish that they could grow bigger carrots then these puny things.”
     “Heath-bar, if they made them any bigger, they couldn’t make them better!” Nick told him.  “And what are you thinking about, little sister?”
     “What? …Oh, I’m just thinking about that new hand.”
     Nick asked, “Is that all you ever think about, romance?  He’s so good at other things I bet he can even swim.  Which reminds me, there’s a swimming contest next week at the lake.  I just wonder…”
     Heath-bar said, “You wonder if Spitts can really swim.”
     “Well, there’s a thousand dollar award for the winner,” he said.
     Jarred said, “Don’t get your hopes up to high.  Swimming may be the one thing that he can’t do.”

————–

     After dinner Nick went to ask Mark if he could swim.  “Can you swim?”
     “Me?” asked Mark.  “You’re looking at the worlds best swimmer.  In fact, I got some real gold meddles!”
     “I don’t care what you get from the flour company.  I just want to know if you can swim.”
     “I already told you, yes.”
     “Great!  You’re going to be our entry for next week’s competition,” Nick told him.

————–

     Day after day Nick took Mark out to swim.  Night after night Oddie took Mark out to swim.  By the end of the week Mark was water logged.  Oddie, well, she’s a different story (she was Spitts logged).
     It was finally the big day in the Pig Valley.  The Broccoli family was packing up food to eat during the day.  They got up nice and early for the big event.  Nick yelled, “Come on, let’s get a move on.  We don’t want to be late!”
     “Please, Nick,” Victoria told him, “it’s only two in the morning.”
     “I think you’re going to win, Mark,” Oddie said to Mark while they were packing up.
“I know I’m going to win, Oddie.  Oddie, I’ve been wanting to tell you something.”
     “I know.  You’re going to tell me that I’m gorgious, beautiful, attractive, and that you want to marry me.”
     “No, what I wanted to tell you is that your slip is showing.  Is it Freudian?”
     “Well, of all the nerve!”

—————

     They arrived at the lake five hours before anyone else.  They decided to play Ring Around the Rosy until others showed up. Finally the time came, and the contestants all lined up.  The announcer announced, “On your Marks!”
     Everyone pounced on Mark.  “Hey, get off of me!”
     The announcer tried again.  “On your Marks, not Spitts!  Get set!  Go!!”
     Oddie was on the sideline.  She was yelling to her beloved one, “Go, Mark!  Go, go, go!!!”
     Mark was ahead of all the rest of the contestants.  He was really moving out!  Around the turn heading for home…He came in first!
     “He did it!  He won!” yelled Nick, “Yah who!”
     “Here’s your money,” the judge said to Nick.
     Nick said, “Thanks.”
     “Hey, how much is there?” asked Mark.
     “One thousand dollars,” said Oddie.
     “What?  Give me my money!” Mark yelled.
     “It’s my money,” said Nick as he pushed Mark back into the water.
     “Help!” yelled Mark.  “I can’t swim, I’m too heavy, I’m water logged.  Help me!”
     Oddie yelled, “Help him, Nick!”
     “Oddie, I love you!” cried Mark.
     “Help him, Nick!” pleaded Oddie.
     “Glub, glub, glub.”
     Heath-bar said, “It’s too late, he’s dead.”
     “Boo who, who!” Oddie cried.
     “Now, Oddie, you know you couldn’t have married him anyway.  The script rules forbid it,” Victoria told her.
     “Well, let’s all go home,” said Jarred, “to our Ranch-dressing in the Pig Valley.”

THE END