BANANA

     At the Spruce Ranch the Cartwrongs were breaking Broncos. Little Jaw was on one of the meanest broncos in the whole territory.
     “Yeah who! Ride him Little Jaw!” yelled Sauce. Just then Little Jaw fell off.
     “OOOFFF!!! Dog it! That bronco is making me a tenderized rump roast the hard way!” Jaw said.
     “Yuummm, rump roast! Ha, ha, ha!!!” laughed Sauce.
     “Don’t you laugh at me, Sauce. I mean you’ve got it made. All you have to do is sit on the horse and he can’t move! You must weigh 500 pounds!”
     “You watch your mouth little brother.”
     “You’re the one who should watch your mouth, because every time you open it you eat another Twinkie or something!”
     “You want me to sit on you?”
     “Pa, Pa, Sauce wants to squish me dead!”
     Bun Cartwrong came out of the house. He said, “Now boys quit frolicking around and get back to work.”
     “Gee, that’s all we ever do around here, Pa, is work,” Jaw complained.
     “Well, just wait until you get a series of your own, Little Jaw. And then you’ll have even more work to do,” Bun told his son.
     “You mean, Little House On the Dust Bowl?” Jaw asked.
     “That’s the one,” he replied.
     Sauce asked, “And what about me, Pa?”
     “Well, I’m afraid you get sent off to heaven for ever more.”
     “Gee, I’ve never heard of that place before, Pa. Is it in New Orleans?” Sauce asked.
     “No, but you’re close,” said Little Jaw while trying to look intelligent. “But when that happens I’ll be near-by on the Highway To Heaven.”
     Their Pa said, “Get to work, boys.”
     Sauce asked, “Hey, where’s Adamn?”
     Jaw answered, “Probably off with Perry somewhere.”
     Bun asked, “Who’s Adamn?”
     “You know, Pa, your oldest son,” said Jaw.
     “Oh him. Well, you know television rules. You must forget all about a regular star when he up and quits. Now get busy!”
     They both ran back to work. Little Jaw said, “You sit on the horse this time, Sauce.”
     “Oh, alright.”
     “And if the horse’s back breaks, I promise not to tease you.”
     “That’s awful big of you, little brother.”
     “Well, when it comes to you, Sauce, I’ve got to be big!” laughed Little Jaw.
     Sauce went into the corral and walked over to the horse. He lifted his leg to put in the stirrup, and then hoisted his other leg up. The saddle broke from the weight of Sauce and he spilled all over the ground. The saddle slipped off the horse and landed on the ground and then the horse keeled over. It was lucky for the horse that Sauce broke his fall.
     “Sauce, you’ve just got to go on a diet,” Jaw said.
     “You’re right, Little Jaw. Help me up.”
     “I’m right? I mean you’re going to go on a diet?”
     “Yup, I’m going to start right after lunch.”
     “You’d better start before lunch. Hey, Candy!”
     “Where?” Sauce asked, “I want some candy. I’m starved.”
     “Since when have you turned into cannibalism, Sauce?” Candy asked.
     “Guess what?” asked Jaw.
     “Okay, what?”
     “Sauce is going on a diet.”
     “Really?” asked Candy.
     Sauce said, “Yup! I’m starting right after I finish this here pound cake.”
     “Take it away from him!” yelled Jaw. Candy grabbed the cake.
     “Hey, give that back!”
     “Sauce, you’ve got to start right now!” said Little Jaw.
     “Aw come on,” Sauce begged, “I’m hungry.”
     “I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll go have lunch now,” said Jaw.
     “Okay, let’s go!” yelled Sauce. They went into the house.
     “Haw Song! We’re going to have lunch now,” said Jaw.
     “But, Liddle Jaw, I not fix Sauce’s lunch yet, he a big man. It take won ton food a day to keep Sauce alive.”
     Jaw announced, “Sauce is going on a diet.”
     Haw Song said, “In that case it onry take won half ton food. What kind of diet he go on? A seafood diet, where he see food and eat it?”
     Sauce said, “Very funny, Haw Song!”
     Little Jaw said, “Hey, Pa. We’re going to eat lunch now.”
     “I’ll be right in,” said Bun. He came from his office and went over to the head of the table and sat down.
     “Pa, Sauce is going on a diet!” Little Jaw told him.
     “You broke the horses back, didn’t you? We loose more horses that way!”
     Jaw said, “The horse is okay, but the saddle broke.”
     “You broke that saddle, my beautiful fifty-dollar saddle with bucket seats and one loud horn with soft cushiony rich Corinthian leather? You, you! You’ll both pay me back for that saddle out of your allowance.”
     “Me too?” asked Little Jaw. “But Sauce is the one who broke it, Pa!”
     “Both of you. Haw Song, where’s lunch?” Bun asked.
     “Coming Misser Caltlong.”
     Bun said, “It is good news to hear that Sauce is going on a diet. Good for you, Sauce. But now I can’t say my favorite joke.”
     Little Jaw asked, “Which one is that, Pa?”
     “Sauce is so fat that his hat size is the same as his weight.”
     “But I thought you’re favorite was, Sauce is so fat that it takes two king sized sheets to make one of his shirts,” Little Jaw laughed.
     “No,” said Bun, “That was Haw Song’s joke.”
     “No, Misser Caltlong, my favolite is, Sauce is so fat that it takes thlee elephants to fill him up. And that’s onry for a snack,” said Haw Song while bringing the food to the table.
     Little Jaw asked in confusion, “Then whose joke was it that I told?”
     “I think it was yours, Little Jaw,” said Sauce.
     “No, mine is, Sauce is so heavy that when he stands on a scale he breaks it! Hey I’ve got it, it was Adamn’s joke,” Jaw said.
     Bun yelled, “Don’t mention that name in this house!”
     Sauce was looking at his almost empty plate, “Is this all I get for lunch? A stick of celery, some lettuce, and a carrot?”
     Bun said, “You made a mistake, Haw Song.”
     “That’s more like it!” Sauce approved.
     “I did? Oh yes, you’ll light as usual, Boss. So sally. I give him too big of a callort. So tellibly sally, Misser Caltlong.”
     “But…” wined Sauce.
     Bun said, “I’ll forgive you this time, Haw Song, but don’t let it happen again.”

Will Sauce ever loose weight? Will Little Jaw ever keep his mouth shut? Will Adamn ever come back to the Spruce Ranch? Will Haw Song ever open up a Chinese restaurant? Will Candy ever get licked? Will Mister Cartwrong ever marry off his sons without the girlfriends, fiancés, and/or wives being killed off by the writers?
Tune in every Sunday night to NBS to find out! Chances are, however, the answer is no to each and every question we just asked.

Feb 12

Library Scatterbrain – I

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff: Gigolo Joe vol. 42, no. 36 September 24, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat

Let’s Just Say Hore D’Oeuvre Darling!

This will be the last edition of the Library Scatterbrain for quite some time. It is not because we are running out of funds, and it is not because we are tired of putting it out. It is because our editor needs this time off to grow and become a much bigger person. Perhaps in a few months from now we can resume with the Scatterbrain if everyone is willing to subscribe. The only reason we would charge is because the Library seems to have raised their Xerox prices from five cents to ten cents! We figure that a dollar a month would be enough but it is entirely up to you whether you want the Library Scatterbrain to go on or not! It has been great fun and we here hope that you have had an enjoyable time reading our little newsletter.
–Amanda Jean Turncoat

Why do bakers go on vacation?
So that they can sit on their buns and loaf around!

Why do librarians go on vacation?
Because they have everything booked!

Why do carpenters go on vacation?
So that they do not get board! That’s hitting the nail on the head!

Page Boy

Late & Overdue But Sincere!

We here on the Staff would just like to tell Dave Westinhouse that we think it was great that he helped save the life of young, Patrick Lawrence on August 29^th! Dave dived into a pool and pulled drowning Patrick up and out of the water. That a way, Dave!
–Scatterbrain Staff

Chung Lee’s Confusions

Does anybody really know what time it is?
Does anybody really care?
Does anybody know who Santa Clause is?
Does he really have white hair?
Does anybody know how fat he is?
Does he donate money to C*A*R*E?
Does anybody really know what Timex is?
Does anybody really give a hoot?

(These amazing pondelings blought on by Chicago. Halv all leady consurted doctel, so solly Chalie!)

DEAR CRABBY!

Dear Crabby,
As Christmas is fast on the way I wonder what to buy my friends and family and how much to spend. What in your opinion would be the right price?
–Store Bought

Dear Store Bought,
Come on Down! You are the next contestant on The Price Is Right! To answer your question I will have to look into my opinion box. And the lucky answer is….”Leave your husband, there’s no excuse for his beatings, consult the PAWA (Peppered & Asalted Women of America) for help!”

Dear Crabby,
I cannot get a date (or prune) because of my dandruff! I use Head & Shoulders and it still does not help! I still wind up itching my head in front of women! What should I do?
–Frosty the Snowman

Dear Frosty the Snowglobe,
Try plumbs.

Page Gage

Fall Preview Gigolo’s Style

Hey, hey, hey! What have we here? It’s the Fall Preview of the upcoming year on the Boob Tube! Yes, sir-re Bob! It looks like another year of losers! However, instead of refrying the same old hash, such as TV Guide, we are going to tell you about some of the shows that did not make it on the Fall schedule!

Fatt Dallas is a Texan detective who is everything but sexy! William Conrad not only fills out the role, he over flows it! This is, of course, a Gelling-Soldberg Production. These wonderful two producers have brought us such shows as The Cookies, The Klod Squad, and Blardsky & Clutch! (None of which ever made it past the pilot episode! They are still running true to form!)

Boarria is, of course, a spin off from Dull Is Our Family with Archibald Stunker. Boarria, played by Sally Strutserstuff, is now divorced from her husband, Mark Sticksit, after 12 years of marriage. Boarria and her son move to New Jersey where they meet up with another Meathead, Doctor Vetsenarian, who loves his patients but cannot stand their owners! This part is played by Birdgess Merrydress Pinguin.

Juevos Rancheros is a sitcom starring Eggs Benedict, that well-known actor who played Bycusppid in Battletooth Plactactica. Eggs plays the part of Smokey Bacon, owner of the small cafe Juevos Rancheros. The cafe is visited by local idiots. They come in and order everything from sausage to sick humor. You will want to pass this one on if you are eating dinner at the time.

Doomsday’s Machine is a car, but not just any ordinary car! Doomsday’s Machine is a fully automatic, computerized, “Wow, I could a had a V-8 engine” car. Its owner Doomsday (Ed Mullhairy) hires an unknown actor to drive the car, even though the car does not need a driver. One of the exciting scenes from the series shows the hired chauffeur playing Attari while the car drives down a minefield.

Salem’s Witch is another detective story. It is all about a cop whose wife helps him out on his cases by use of her E.S.P. Mrs. Salem sees things when she stares into the eyes of their Persian pussycat, Aster, but the things she sees do not always happen, and the other things she sees are obscene! (Which makes the show totally unbelievable but fun!)

Winston tastes bad like the last one I had;
No filter, no flavor, just a plain old piece of paper!
–Author unknown, but fully appreciated!

A Conversation Between Friends

Dawn Chainlink: That man has a kind face.
Roberta Ricearoni: That man was just let out of prison on parole. He was in for the murder of his two business partners.
Dawn Chainlink: Well, I didn’t say what kind of face he had!

MEDIUM RESOURCES UPPRUNE

     The following message is to be put on an answering machine for Medium Resources.
     “Thank you for calling Medium Resources as we very seldom ever get called at all! In fact, you’re the first person who has called in five years! Wouldn’t cha know? The one time we get a phone call and no one is here to answer it! Thanks for calling!”
     So, if you call X0258, you will now be able to leave a message. What a shame!
          –Per communicato with Borris Budweiser Medium Resources

“Yes, Virginia, There Really Is A Vampire…”
     There is a vampire running loose at Malaria during the nights. There are fifty pints of blood missing from fifty students who attend night classes. It was first detected that something was wrong when students started passing out during role call.
     Contact Larry Ambulance at X3921 if you see anyone with fangs.
          –Nancy Puffs, UCK Dean of Student’s Affairs

So, this is the end! Let us not say good-by, let us just say Hore D’Oeuvre Darling! It has been fun, it has been grand, it has been dumb, it has been, okay, so it has not been the best! So we have made a few mistakes (especially spelling and grammatical mistakes). So we have made asps out of our selves! So what? I would like to see Bernard Twitchet do as well as I have!
–Gigolo Joe

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff: Gigolo Joe Vol. 42, no. 37 December 8, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat

Hello!

We’re back! Now you see? Two months went by just like that! Well, I could say that it was a fun vacation, the sunny beach in Florida, the smell of coconut oil burning on burnt bodies basking in the sun, the sound of a roaring tide, the sickening music that they play in the hotels, but I will not say it. Probably because it is not true! But hay is for jackasses, and I for one did hardly anything but convalesce, but I am much better now, cough, cough. We hope to bring you the same distasteful garbage as we have in the past, however, perhaps not as often. I know, this will be a grave shock but until I feel up to par, “FOUR!” I’m going to try and take it a little bit easy.
–Gigolo Joe

Happy Birthday to Yous!

Dec. 1              Jim Mountain                        Climbing/Reservoirs
Dec. 4              Dorothy Schwabdadecks         Shipping & Boats
Dec. 5              Roberta Ricearoni                   Lice Fields in San Flancisco
Dec. 6              Bob Wicked                          Candles/WAWA
Dec. 13            Mike “Clyde” Marecheck       Hits and Runs
Dec. 13            Dan Wellwater                        Wishes
Dec. 23            Dorothy Van Dork                  Cereals
Dec. 23            Marie Tyler Moore                  Ordinary Personnel

–Library Stiff

Chung Lee’s Confusion

Nothing is free in America. Nobody’s free in America. Nothing is cheap in America. Everything’s expensive in America!

     Let’s all sing, “He’ll Be Comin’ Down the Chimney When He Comes”!!
     Okay, then, we can sing, “I Ust Go Nuts At Christmas”! Nuts? I’ll take a few!
          –Neal Givesitaway

P. 0

Master Maitreya Overshadows Paul Tattletell

     Strange things have been happening at nights in South Classroom, especially during the full moon, in the A.V. Distribution room. Divas and cherubs have been flying around the air singing “Hallelujahs.” What could be more fitting what with Christmas on its way?
     Paul Tattletell is running around tattle-ling, “Christ is here in the world! Brother could you spare a dime so’s that another brother will have help against starvation?”
     “Why sure,” answers Professor Chicken Little, “in fact, have two dimes, including a Cindy Dime!”
     “Bless you, Brother Little, you know that cold sore on your beak?”
     “No, hum a few bars and I’ll fake it!”
     “Well, it’s gone, it’s healed, for your generous heart!”
     “How’d juh do that?!”
     “With my Tetrahedron.”
     “I thought them things were extinct!”
     And this is only the beginning! Why Paul has even been seen with Class A Martians and Low Classed Vennisians! Patrick Duffy has even come by to see Paul. You remember Pat? He is The Man From Atlantis! Well, Paul, all I can say is, “May the Force be with you.”
          –Clint Kark; The Daily Planet 9738

Rip-offs, Believe It Or Not!

     A long time ago a man by the name of Ponce De Leon landed his ship in Florida. He was searching for the Fountain of Youth. He searched through the swamplands for years until one day he met up with a local Indian.
     “Can I help you, Paleface?”
     “I’m looking for the Fountain of Youth.”
     “You came to right Injun, I know where such place is.”
     “Will you show me?”
     “You betchum booties!”
     So, after betting his booties, Ponce went with the Indian in search of his quest. The Indian led him around by the nose for a couple of days and then they came to a little spring where a tiny waterfall happened to be.
     “Is this it?” Ponce asked while rubbing his nose.
     “Yup.” Ponce almost pounced into the water but the Indian held him back. “Hold um horses, Paleface. See, I have deed to land.” He held it out in his hands.
     The deed read, “Deed to Fountain of Youth. Owned by Running Nose Smelling Feet of the You-Ka-Tuka Tribe.”
     “Okay, how much will you take for it? Beads, blankets?”
     “No beads, no blankets! Hard cash up front!”
     “Okay, here, I’ll give you all I have, one hundred pesos in gold deplumes (that is gold plated feathers).”
     “Okay, here contract. We sign.”
     So they signed and Ponce gave him the money. Then he pounced into the water. “Hey, do I look any younger?” Ponce asked the Indian.
     “You kiddin’? You stay in much longer and I’ll have tuh bottle feed juh!” then the Indian left.
     Ponce got out of the water and looked into his mirror. “Hey,” he said, “I still look the same!”
     Rip-offs, Believe It Or Not!
          –Jack Balance

Contracts for Hire

Oh, the Marecheck Mob will take care of your foes
     We will snap off their fingers and break all their toes
Oh, the bigger the job the higher the doe
     But it’s worth it ‘cause murder’s illegal you know!
         –Sabastian “Baby Face” Marecheck

p. 6

Que hora es?

Medium Distribution’s Lulu Grotesky has been having problems keeping up with the times! First off, her watch that she bought from Joslins for around four bucks is not keeping time. It keeps falling behind on the minutes. Then there is the time clock for punching in the time on the little check out cards. Well, it seems that she just could not get the time set on it right. No matter how hard she tried it just could not be done. So, she gave up. Will she return her watch? Probably she will, and who could blame her?
–Time Bandit

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff: Gigolo Joe vol. 42, no. 38 December 22, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat

[The above drawing was drawn by Phil Two’D’brim Lazy]

Welcome to New “F.A.L.”

Several library Stiff members have suddenly joined the F.A.L. – thanks mainly to the begging of Dawn Chainlink. The new members are Dawnie Dickweed, Sandi Frankincense, Murren Gold, Elaine Ryan’s Hope, Lulu Grotesky, Cindy Addenmachine, and Gloria N. Eggshellseesdayoh! For those of ewe who do not know anything, the F.A.L. stands for the Friends of All Libraries. The basic membership fee is extremely high and only those blue-collar workers are allowed to join. Forty-two dollars is the usual fee. If you want any more information on how to join F.A.L. go jump in a lake!
–Robinson Carolsule

Preferred customers of the month goes to – Tom Salad and Jack Beagle!

Mrs. Budweiser, if you want another helping of turkey dressing, please ask, don’t grab!

Page 2 Turtle Doves

Mystery of the Missing Day – or – I Am a Steele Key

     It was a sunshiny day when a lady entered my office. She asked me, “Are you Remington Steele?”
     I answered, “It all depends.”
     “Depends on what?” she asked.
     I said, “Whether you are a bill collector or not!”
     “No, I’m Abby Miller Highlight. I work at Malaria Library.”
     “What can I do for you?”
     “There’s a key missing from Jim Story Teller’s top desk drawer. It goes to the backdoor of the library.”
     “I see. Well, I’m sorry but I can’t help you out, I have to go to Paris for the weekend.”
     “Well, then how about your assistant, Laura Holt?”
     “She’s on her way to Peru.”
     “Murphy?”
     “Kansas.”
     “Miss Fox your secretary then?”
     “Miss Wolf, no, I’m afraid not.”
     “But why won’t you help me out, Mr. Steele?”
     “Elementary, my dear Highlight! No one has been murdered. I, and my firm, only handle murders not missing keys! Place an add in the lost and found will you.”
     She left in a huff, and I headed for Laura’s office for a few kiss-ee-poos!
          –Pierce Bronzman

BYE-BYE, TOMMY

Bye-bye, Tommy. We’re gonna miss yuh so. Bye-bye, Tommy, why’d ja have tuh go?
No more sunshine, it’s followed you away. I’ll cry, Tommy, tell you’re back to stay.
I’ll miss the way you smile as though it’s just for me, and each and every night I’ll write you faithfully!
Bye-bye, Tommy it’s awful hard to bear. Bye-bye, Tommy, guess we’ll always care.
Guess we’ll always care, guess we’ll always care!

We love you, Salas. Oh, yes, we do. We love you, Salas, and we’ll be true.
When you’re not near us, we’re blue! Oh, Salas, we love you!
Bye-bye, Tommy, unemployment’s got you now. I’ll try, Tommy, to forget somehow!

No more sighing each time you make a graph. No more dieing when you start to laugh!
Your letters in your layouts, super duper class, there’s nothing left to say, but, Tommy, you’re a gas!
Bye-bye, Tommy, tah-tah old sweety pie. Bye-bye, Tommy, time for me to fly.
Time for me to fly, time for me to fly! Bye now!
–Amanda Jean Turncoat

Chung Lee’s Confusion

Scotty Baldwin, of General Hospital, is truly Ken Schriner. Will Schriner is Ken’s twin brother (even though Scotty and Ken are not identical twins) who pretends to be comedian. Chuck the Weasel is truthfully Will Schriner in disguise! Who is Chuck the Weasel? Ask David Letterman.

CASABLANCA

David Soul, who is playing the part of Rick in Casablanca, is dieing his hair brown for the part. To be aired on NBC in the new-year. To cancel out all rumors, do to a misunderstanding in the translation that Casablanca is Spanish for Whitehouse, this new program has nothing to do with life in Washington D.C.

WHAT’S THIS SOUND?

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Plop! (Answer: Santa Clause laughing his head off.)
–James Longhorn “the Big Cheese”

Update on Time

Lulu Grotesky took back her watch that did not work and bought a wind up watch that is working, so far. Film at 11:00.
–Time Bandit

Fairy Boris

Yes, ever since Wednesday, December the 15^th, Boris Budweiser has been waving a wand around and casting spells! Rumor has it, and he will not give it back, that she made James Longhorn disappear! Hay is for sheep, Boris you had better be careful what you wish for and what kind of strokes you make with your wand!
–John Henry

MAGIC COIN TRICK

At Friday’s Christmas party, Phil Lazy told everyone that he had a coin trick to show to anyone who wished to see it. Well, I saw it, and I fell for it. I know how he did it, as I have studied under the Great Houdini and have received a personal postcard from Doug Henning himself. Do not worry, Phil, your secret is safe with me, and you did a good job of making the peso disappear. How about if next year’s Christmas party the two of us get together and perform Houdini’s greatest known trick, Metamorphosis! I’ll supply the knowledge and you can supply the trunk, the handcuffs, and the silk sack and chains!
–Dave Westini the Great

Page 3 French Hens

Library Christmas Party

     December 17^th was the Library Christmas party. First off, Patrixias passed out, after waking up she handed out the awards. All the award winners were very happy, except for Neal Givesitaway (because he was not there to accept the award). We all hope you get feeling better soon Neal. Other winners were Phil Lazy, Sandi Frankincense, and Dorothy and Toto too. After the awards everybody got up to eat. And eat they did. There was sausage, eggs, more sausage, no bacon, orange juice, coffee, donuts, bagels, beagles, fruit cups, fruit salads, fruit cakes running around, toast, and gingerbread men. (I should mention that Patrixias baked these cookies herself and put everyone’s name on them.)
     After eating came the entertainment! First off there was Bonnie and Clyde, better known as Mike and Shirley Marecheck. They played Christmas duets on the cellos, and they were very good too! They also brought “Babyface” Marecheck with them to the party. He’s so cute, no wonder no one can refuse his orders!
     Hearofme Matsubishi was next to be heard with his pianogram. However, he was cut short so that the Choir could be heard. Hearofme was very good and the songs he chose were hunky-doory!
     Phil’s Choir is hard to describe because I was in it. I could not hear how we sounded in the audience because I was not in the audience (I was in the choir). I enjoyed it too, as I had not sang in a choir since high school. We sang “The First Noel,” “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” “When a Child is Born” (Acapulco style, without a piano.), and “Chanukah, O Chanukah.” Well, that is about all the excitement of the day! After that everyone broke up and went back to work. Next year it would be nice to have the party at two or four so that we all could go home after the party instead of back to work.
–Amanda Jean Turncoat

Litter From the Editor

At this time I would just like to say to those non-subscribers out there that this newsletter is worked on during non-working hours! I have been told that I have also insulted or hurt a few people around the library because they think that I intentionally put them down. Most of the people who I talk about in the Scatterbrain, that work in the library, I do not even know and I would not intentionally hurt. That is why I never used their real names in the first place. All people in my newsletter are strictly fictitious and do not really exist. Any similarity between the names and characters is completely almost accidental. For I am a satirist and if some people do not understand that then I can only figure that they have never read MAD Magazine, listened to Spike Jones, Tom Lear, Martin Mull, looked at Police Squad, Airplane, Airplane II, and must do nothing but bury their heads in books all the time (probably do to the fact that they work in a library). I have given many celebrities satire stories that I have written and have never had any of them say, “I feel insulted!” On the contrary, they have said, “I love your work, you’re very talented, you have a great sense of humor, you’re a rotten speller, but other than that, you’re fantastic!” Who were these people? David Soul, Geoffrey Lewis, Dean Butler, and William Katt! Dean even showed my work to Michael Landon!
Well, what is all of this boiling down to? Only this, that this will be the last Library Scatterbrain because I do not want to hurt any more people’s feelings and I do not want anyone to think that I, Gigolo Joe, goof off during business hours! Heaven forbid that I may give out the wrong impression to anyone here at the library that I am not doing my part to keep this place kicking! It is just too bad that a good thing has to be spoiled by a few who are just jealous because they are not on my subscription list! So, on this note, F Flat, I will end by saying, “May you all have a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! And if you are Catholic, have a Happy Chanukah!”

Sincerely yours,

Gigolo Joe

Good-by Litter to the Idiotor

Dear G. J.
I just heard that you are going out of business! What a dirty rotten shame! I will miss your garbage of a rag that you put out, with all my lungs! There is no one else who can compare to your style, your wit, your spelling! I have enjoyed reading every single one of your newsletters. I can only pray that some day you will return!
–Honestly yours, President Ronny Raygun

Dear Mr. President,
I know that I have joked around a lot at your expense, thanks for the money! We really appreciate you and think that you are one of our finest Presidents! Watch out for the grey men (not the alien ones either).

Dear Funnyman G.J.,
What is this I hear about the end of the Library Scatterbrain? It can’t be! I will surely die without my personal copies of your lovely newsletter! I will keep all of them stored safely in my trashcan. I have never laughed so hard as when I read “Nazi Wonder Land” or the story of Amanda’s great grandmother, Gone With the Turncoats! The names that you came up with for everyone, FANTAZAGORICK! You are even better than MAD Magazine, National Lampoon, or Bananas! And even though I hate to admit it, you are better than the Bernard Twitchet Times! I love you Gigolo Joe, old buddy pal of mine!
–Your friend, Bernard Twitchet

Dear Bernard,
Thanks for your letter. I miss the good old days with you, Will Erehpsekahs, and Wayne Brady! Keep in touch!

Dear Gigolo Joe,
I just heard the bad news from Amanda and I just want to say how sad it is. Please keep in touch with me, old pal, and if you’re ever in need of a detective just call on me. I’ll see you at the polo match on Friday Ol’ Chap.
–Sincerely Steele, Pierce Bronzman

Dear Pierce,
We all wish you well with your show and look forward to seeing you in the future as that great spy 007!

[Editor’s note: This was the last issue of the Library Scatterbrain, however, it would not be long before my new creation would be published. I would call it the Gigolo Gander.]

Feb 12

Library Scatterbrain – A

[Editor’s note: The Library Scatterbrain is a satire on a campus library newsletter. The names were changed to protect the innocent (me) from lawsuit. Just kidding! I wrote and typed everything up on my off work hours, as I was always too busy to actually do anything but my job. To be honest, I was lucky to even get my breaks, that’s how busy I usually was at work! Later on I changed the name and format of the paper to the Gigolo Gander, this actually gave me more freedom to be creative.]

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff: Gigolo Joe vol. 42, no. 9 – March 12, 1982
Amanda Jean Turncoat

IS JOB STRESS GETTING YOU DOWN?

     Hay, is for horses, and if it is getting you down (your job that is), then why not do what most folks do? Scream! Yes, Scream Therapy is in folks! When that stress is mounting just let it all out and scream at the top of your lungs! Meetings are held every Wednesday evening at the Denver Auditorium, 8:00 sharp! Dr. Howler presides these sessions.
     –Krisptina Boo Who Who
       DOA College & University Divided
       Secretary-Treasurer (That’s why I’m rich!)

DOA VAN POOL TO PUEBLO

The library will arrange for this trip to Pueblo inside a luxurious van with its own nine feet by four feet swimming pool! Why not join our fun by calling Mitch at extension 2026 1/4 for a ride. Cost is only $200’s but hey, it is worth it. Thanks a lot.
–Warren Beatty

CARPOOLING TO THE PARALIBERAL ROUND TABLE

Jim Mountain and Kay Bandage were arrested for carpooling to the Paraliberal Round Table. The copper who pulled them over said it was do to the enormous amount of splashing water they splashed out onto the highway while diving. Tough cookies!!!
–Pat Keebler

NOTICE TO ALL LAZY LIBRARIANS

Please to be aware of an old shipment of gift books in Esquireartions. They will be on display from here to there. We need your export opinion on what to keep or what to send out of the U.S. of A. We really, really, really (is that too many reallys?) do.
–Gladys time for Springbreak

MOBS INVADE LIBRARY

Word around town is that the Marechecks are taking over. The Marecheck Mob will soon be in control of the whole library, and when that happens, who knows what can stop them from taking over the whole campus?!!!

Page 42

T’is a well-known fact that the 17^th was St. Patrick’s Day. If you were wearin’ no green and you weren’t gettin’ pinched, could be a cause ye weren’t wearin’ your Irish Spring!!!

Coors Debates Sewers

“Rights of the Cesspools” — Does the U.S. Sanitation Department overcharge the homeowners? Does Coors really care or just the sponsors? Do you really care? Who wants to see the Irish bring a fresh air-romma, a real Irish brogue (which you can’t see at all), and an abundance of pure Irish Barney Rubble? Be certain to miss the Coors Debates Sewers, for its stagnating, stinky topic and Irish Spring smell.

Tuesday, March 16, 1:00 p.m. Live Irish Leprechauns
1:30 a.m. Debate is worms
St. Catajan’s 19^th & Lawrence of Arabia – If you are interested.
–The Daily Planet; March 10^th 1942

UCK Staff Council Meeting Highlights

Stardate: 51942.42
Place: The Planet Ark

Agenda

1. Introduction of new members to council – Marti Wildman and Mike Connors from Rifleman.
2. Special Speakers: Wolf N. Tweeter, ACHU Coordinator of Noise Pollution. Topic: “Keeping Your Trap Shut & Your Fly Up” – mentioned his arrogance, the Malaria Decibel Council, Ken Blowitoutchaear x4297, is contact pill person for noisy questions.
3. Suzie Heartburn, Legperson, CUN Sunny California – Spoke on Supplement Food Supplies. Hackley says there is no chance of increasing cholesterol this year in chicken eggs. CUN Palmdale Florida needs a vitamin C compound to negotiate with in dealings with Sunkist as a naval orange base. Pit City, that’s the way the saltines crumble.

)Sorry for all our typing errors, but our regular secretary has been fired..(

Missileaneous

Stephenson Removes Obstetrics From 5^th Floor

A duckbill platypus will allow the CU Rejects to jettison the Malaria Campus East Classroom building into outer space.
     To do this will cost a tremendous amount for missile fuel but Dean Jones says, “The Love Bug Rides Again.” If East Classroom orbits Earth not much will have changed, for most of the people who work there and attend school there have been in orbit for years.
     James Longhorn “the Big Cheese” who works for the Medium Center, was asked by our mild mannered reporter, Clint Kark, “How will going out into orbit effect your performance?”
     His reply was, “Hey, like wow man, I think that’s a rather personal question, don’t you? Say, have you seen my guitar?”
          –The Daily Planet/March 10, 1984

“Vell, I’m Falling Oout Again!!!”
The famous last words of Professor Goodinhout at the Three Mile Island Lab: Many wonder why and others know why.

Page 84

Fairytail Film Festival

March 28^th 10:00 p.m. at Music Medium, second floor in the library building.
Fairytail Film Festival will show such flicks as: Cinderfella, Born With Feathers, Wings Galore, The Bridge Over River Why (a story about two trolls), Princess Diaries, and Evil Queens! Parental Guidance Enforced.

Gigolo Joe Predicts the Oscars

I predict Oscar Mayer will come out with a new sausage lunch meat. I also predict Oscar Madison will beat up Felix Unger when he finds out his favorite T-shirt has been washed, starched, and ironed. Then Madison will stuff Unger’s nose with Oscar Mayer’s new sausage.

Chung Lee’s Confusion

A brick on the head is better than two in the bush, because they might make hanky panky and then you would have little briquettes running around loose making all kinds of KAOS. (Get Smart)

Roving Reporter, John Henry, Reports

     Forty-two cars are now in parking lot L.
     Man, did I ever get wasted last Saturday night. It was wild. I was going for hours, you know? I got there and took some speed and drank some whiskey, like I was really going. There was this girl there that I met for the first time. She was reeaal straight. She probably thinks I’m like that all the time, first impressions you know. Not that I care or want to impress upon her to make her think that I’m different. You know what I mean?
     I got that job up in Montana, but I don’t know when I’ll be going. I’d like to take my motorcycle up there to drive around in the summer month, I say month because Montana’s summer is like from July to August, you know? But I don’t know how to get my motorcycle up there.
     I’m busted right now; I just paid my rent and my roommate’s rent. Gretchen’s her name. She reminds me of Hitler, yuh know? She’s mad at Terry, our ex roommate’s boyfriend ‘cause he came over and made a bunch of long distance telephone calls. But his lady friend in Phoenix said she would pay the bill. So he got off the line, telephone line, get it???
     Well, that is all for now, till next time.

LIBRARY SCATTERBRAIN

Library Staff: Gigolo Joe vol. 42, no. 10 March 22, 1942
Amanda Jean Turncoat

South Pacific Slide Series

Everyone is invited to attend a series of slide presentations covering South Pacific during the week of Spring Break. The schedule is as follows:

Wednesday, March 24                        Mitzi Gaynor in drag
Thursday, March 25                         Ray Walston in drag
Friday, March 26                           Mary Martin washes that man out of her hair and gets Bali Ha’i.
Time:                                      Some Enchanted Evening
Location:                                  Across a crowded room.

Joyous Carol has watched the movie forty-two times and would love to share some Hawaiian Punch. Do come!
–Pat Keebler

Car Pool to Hear Dr. Toni Turbo Boarman Speak, ruff ruff, at Mitchum Library, UCK

Marilyn Mitchum, granddaughter to Robert Mitchum, and me, myself, and I are planning to take a staff car up to UCK and visit our counterparts, nuts and bolts, there. If you would love to join us in the swim up there, and your supervisor gives you your swimming certificate proving that you have passed beginner’s swimming, please let us know no later than high-noon, March 42, so that Indian Reservations can be made. As you can see, the car is already pretty crowded what with Marilyn, me, myself, and I already going.
–Krisptina Boo Who Who

Membership Tea for Women’s Association of Wicked Americans

     On Satuponday, April showers, the Denver Branch of Women’s Association of Wicked Americans will hold a tea hostage for future members at the University of Doe-Does from then to later. I have recently joined this organization and found it to be wild and woolly. Membership in WAWA is open to anyone who is nastier than Don Rickles.
     I have a rooster in my office which crows every time someone nasty walks by, he has a sixth sense about these things. So come by Music/Medium for a little Gin Sing Along.
          –Roberta Ricearoni

P. 42

Bonanza Bake Sale

     The sent of Ponderosa Pine will be in the air when you come to Malaria Library Staff bake sale, which will be held up at 9:30 onto an hour. Wednesday, March, hut, two, three, four. It is in the Staff Corral.
     Such delicious sweets like Little Joe Brownies, Candy’s Cotton Candy, Haus Donutz, Adam’s apple pie, and Pa’s Forlorn Green Cake will be served.
          –Lou Gossett Jr.

Cellophane Ron

     Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the movies…
     Starting March all night and all day, film historian, A. Ruby, will offer a forty-two week course on Ronald Raygun’s Silver Tongue career, through the University of Coloradodo at Kowtown’s Division of Continuing Education.
     The non-credit course means you will be wasting your time, will feature such marvels as Bedtime for Bonzo, Death Valley Days, and The Carter-Raygun Debates. Yes, you will discover how the Gipper suckered us into voting for him in the last election. (Contrary to popular rumor, Christopher Reeve did not play Rocky.)
     Topics to be covered in this course include: Raygun as lover to Nancy; Raygun as a Carter critic; Raygun as President of U.S.A. and the origin of all those Raygunomics comics. (Some say it was Ron himself.)
     For more information call 429-2742. There is a $42 fee.
          —Up Your Asp, March 12, 1982

Gigolo Joe Predicts the Tonys

I predict that Tony Randall will get beat up by a woman when he tells her to put out her cigarette. I predict that Tony Curtis will receive a message from Harry Houdini asking, “Why did you do the prison escape scene with clothes on?” I predict that Tony the Tiger will loose his job when he goes cuckoo for Coco Puffs. I predict that Tony Newly will remarry Joan Collins because he believes she is come into a Dynasty of fortune. And finally, I predict that Tony Cassidine will thaw out and get revenge on Luke and CK8.

Chung Lee’s Confusions

Yule Brenner’s head gathers no moss.

Words of Wisdom to Reach Your Dynasty

Love is a many-slandered thing if there is a Ryan’s Hope and Love of Life in these Days of Our Lives at General Hospital As The World Turns on Flamingo Road in Dallas, Texas.
–Amanda Jean Turncoat

Roving Reporter, John Henry, Reports

     Hi everyone! This week I have a real treat for you; you know what I mean? I’m in Sunny California on the Little House On the Prairie set. Let me tell you, when they say little, they mean little. I do not know. Everything seems so much bigger on TV!
     I got a real live interview with Canadian Bacon Dean Butler, all you girl’s favorite. I also met Michael Landon, Melissa Gilbert, and a lot of the rest of the cast. Well, I won’t be a pig and boar you with all the details, deskins, and defeet about this Canadian Bacon; but being here was a lot of fun.
     Dean, being the nice guy he is, bought me lunch. “Um,” I said, “This Big Mac hit the dot.”
     “Isn’t that spot?” he asked.
     “Where?” I asked, “I always have loved dogs!”
     He laughed, “Tee, hee, hee, hee. Can I get you some more fries?”
     “No,” I replied, “one bag is about all I can stand.”

p. 21

     “I’m sorry, perhaps we should have gone to Sheboyga King.”
     “That’s okay, I know how much your fun meal means to you. If we’d have gone to Sheboyga King all they would have given you is a Frisbee, you know what I mean?”
     “You make me sound immature.”
     “Well, I am older than you.”
     “Yeah, how much older?”
     “At least forty-two…”
     Dean cut me off, “Naw, you’re not that old.”
     “I didn’t say forty-two years. I meant forty-two months.”
     “Sorry, my mistake.”
     “Oh, come on, they don’t serve steak here!”
     This afternoon I watched them shoot a scene. It took them four hours to do one little segment of two minutes. It would not have taken so long but Michael Landon kept goofing up his lines. All he had to say was, “Here comes McCoy now.”
     First he said, “Her comes McCloud now!” Then he said, “Here comes McMillan and Wife now!” next he said, “Here comes Spock now!” It was like that all afternoon. I can’t believe that Mr. Landon wrote the script himself.
     Well, next time will be my interview with William Katt. Till then I’ll just traffic sign off.

STOP, YIELD, TOW AWAY ZONE

Library Scatterbrain

Library Staff: Gigolo Joe vol. 42, no. 11 March 25, 1942
Amanda Jean Turncoat

Betta-Macro BM-1042 is Coming Soon

The library/medium center will soon be receiving a new, in-home computer, which will be used to do more than what is necessary, to handle media equipment scheduling, and to keep track of the esquireations budget. After the first projects are set up other projects can be set up, for example: Computations on the dog tracks. For the Betta-Macrow 1042, despite the name, it actually has a small macro artesian inside. The addition of the BM-1042 to the library will set the odds much hire for the winnings at the tracks and we will be able to buy much more elaborate books from the profits! Delivery of the computer is expected mid-April. Labor pains will start at around 5:42 p.m. April 14.
–Chris Gulf of Mexico

Notice to Department Heads:

Head Orders

Keep those toilets spick ‘n’ span! Keep that soap in those dispensaries! Also, mop the floor twice a day!
–Warren Tyler Moore

April Fools

Many people wonder where the origin of April Fools came from. Well, so did I but not any more!!! You see, the first of April used to be New Years day. Then when somebody up there, you know, they usually are called “they,” changed New Years from April first to January first. People forgetting it was not New Years on April first would say, “Happy New Year!” And another person would turn around and say, “April Fools!” Thus stuck the name April Fools on April first.
–Amanda Jean Turncoat

MEETINGS

Date changed for MIC Music Awards Banquet

     There’s been a change of prune for the Awards Banquet for the Metropolitan Interstate College Music program NASA.
          –Bob Wicked
             Member of WAWA

The Librarian Coping with Stress

Scream Therapy session with Dr. Howler in Pueblo – Friday, April 42.

Denver Post Meeting Comment

Hay is for cows, and if you went to the Denver Post Meeting you would have rather been out grazing with the cows too. I am not saying that it was boring, but it was boring. Well, let us not do it again sometime. Please!!!
–Phil Lazy

PERSONNAL

So why are you reading this? Stop it right now do you hear?

…..From the University of Coloradodo Classified Stiff Handbook, pgs. 40 & 42.

“EMPLOYEE SERVICE DATE
The employee service date (also called the anniversary waltz) is the annual date on which merit badges may be awarded, if you have been a good Boy or Girl Scout. For employees who begin work on the last work day of the month their date is the first of that month unless the last of that month came before the first of the next month. But, and this is a big but, for employees who begin work after the first working day it is the last of the last month unless it is Friday the 13^th in the middle of June on a Catholic’s Barmitsba. (Sorry if Barmitsba is spelled wrong, but we’re not Catholic.) An Employee’s service date remains unchanged unless –

1) The employee has missed three years of work due to illness, or is dead.
2) The employee is on fire.
3) The employee falls down 6 or 7 flights of stairs.”

–Bettianne Biolimpski

BONANZA BAKE SALE IS SUCCESS

The Bonanza Bake Sale was a great success! A profit of $42 was made. Special thanks are extended to Michael Landon, Pernell Roberts, Lorne Green, Dan Blocker, and David Canary who donated their character’s names.
–Kay Bandage

Klapper Resigns Top Personnel Post

     Bell Klapper, director of fire alarms since February 1981, resigned her position on Tuesday to seek peace and quiet. (She complained of having a constant ringing in her ears.)
     Governor Lamb has not bleated out who will replace Klapper but rumors have resounded that Ding Dong Avon is in calling distance.
          —Silver & Tongue Record, Thursday, yes and no

Chung Lee’s Confusions

“I see,” said the blind man to his deaf and dumb daughter over the disconnected telephone.

Gigolo Joe Predicts

I predict that Roberta Ricearoni of Music/Medium will go to San Francisco and get a real treat. I predict that Scrawny Dull of A. V. Services will go crazy when she has to continue to deliver and pick up all her orders with out receiving any band-aid! I also predict that photographer, Dave Westoftheeast, will begin to see new developments if he becomes a fixer upper. (Just don’t stop taking baths Dave, and remember to clean the film off of the tub!)

Roving Reporter, John Henry, Reports

As I promised last time, here is my interview with William Katt, my very good friend, whom I have known for years, who stars in The Greatest American Hero. Bill has also been in movies such as Hairy wit Sassy Spacecase, Butcher Cassidy & the Stardance Kid – The Colt Younger Years and Not to Mention, so we won’t!

P. 5

     “John,” William Katt said, “how nice it is to see you again!”
     “Of course it is!” I exclaimed. “My goodness, it sure did rain Katt’s ‘n’ dogs last night didn’t it?”
     “It sure did! So, you want to interview me for a paper you work for?”
     “You got it! How’s your family?”
     “Okay, I guess. Mom’s got herself a new Amana Radar Range.”
     “A name I can trust!”
     “Dad’s doing alright. He’s working on a big costume party. He is going to go as Kit Carson.”
     “Johnny’s brother, how nice.”
     “Mom’s going as…”
     I cut him off, “Don’t tell me. Let me guess. She’s going as Della Street.”
     “No, she’s going as Delaware! After all, she’s not as slim as she use to be! My wife is doing fine and our son is as cute as I am!”
     “Tell me, how is the show going?”
     “Real well, except when Bob grits his teeth I sort of go blind.”
     “Another Donny Osmond, hey?”
     “Connie just had her baby not too long ago, that’s why she wasn’t on the show as much this season.”
     “Has she died recently?”
     “Connie?” I nodded my head yes. “Not lately, but most of her jokes die. Hey, would you like a Big Mac?”
     “No thanks, I had one yesterday.”
     “Oh, well then how about a fish sandwich? Just kidding. Come to my trailer and I’ll fix you a nice lunch.”
     “Yeah, what will you fix?”
     “I’ve got some red sturgeon.”
     “What did he do, cut himself while operating?”
     “Huh? I also have some cordon blue.”
     “Baby eel, huh. Okay, I’ll try anything once. Say, have you ever tried red sturgeon with peanut butter?”
     “On tortilla shells?”
     “Yeah!”
     “No, never have.”
     “Oh,” I said, “well maybe someday. Ever try Chinese pizza?”
     “Get out of here!”
     So I did. Ya know what I mean? Until next time, add-ee-os and ass two loo egg yolk!

A Short Odor Eaters Ad

In the summer when it’s hot out you take off your shoes and socks;
And the smell that is emitted makes me go into-who shock.
So, I buy these Odor Eaters just for you my Clementine;
If you use them then I’ll be saved in just the nick of time.
Now she uses Odor Eaters cause she loves me more than I;
And if she did not use them I would surely up and die!

–Amanda Jean Turncoat; paid for by Odor Eaters

Coming Attractions

It is not Bobo Derrick, that’s for sure; even though I know all you guys out there would like it to be. No, instead it is our very own Amanda Jean’s story of her dear departed great, great grandmother in, Gone With The Turncoats.

Feb 8

Little Shack At the Dairy

LITTLE SHACK AT THE DAIRY

By Betty Crackers

     My name is Boara Shingles. I live in a shack, here at the dairy, with my family. There is my pa, Karl Shingles, and my ma, Dairyline Shingles. Pa and Ma always work hard here at the dairy making sure that the town’s people always have enough cream for their crops. [Editor’s Note: The name Shingles has to do with those things that go on top of roofs.]
     I am not an only child. I have three other sisters. My older sister is named Stairy. A couple years ago, however, she went blind so she went off to the big city, Land O Lakes, where she met her teacher. Her teacher, Atom, was also blind but he taught Stairy well and I guess you could say that the blind was leading the blind on. For they fell in love, in their case it was love at first touch. Atom and Stairy got married and came back to Widow Creek because the blind school in Land O Lake close down.
     My younger sister’s are Dairy, and baby Greece. Dairy is like having two, two, two sisters in one. Greece is slippery when wet.
     Last year my family had to leave Widow Creek in order to learn new scientific methods of cow milking. While we were in Land O Lake I met an orphan boy named Angus. Angus was like a lost calf, so we steered him home with us to the Dairy. Now he is part of our family and I treat him like a Brahma, I mean a brother.
     Pa has a nickname for me. He calls me Half-Gallon. I do not mind the name except when I am around that certain someone I love. His name is Garbanzo Bean Wildcat. He lets me call him Manhandler and he calls me Pest. Garbanzo’s sister, Eliza Maim, is our schoolmarm and she is the most beautiful teacher that we have ever had at Widow Creek. Of course, I have to say that about her because one day, this day to be exact, she will be my sister-in-law.
     Pa gave Manhandler a job at the Dairy when Pa was injured and laid up. You see Pa was gored by one of our prize bulls. He could not sit down for a whole month.
     The rich soph(headed)isticated people in Widow Creek are the Oldsons. They own the mercantile store. Mr. Oldson is A.O.K. but Mrs. Oldson and her daughter, Filly, are…let’s see, what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh yes, they’re snobs. Filly has a younger brother named Willy-r Wonthe.
     There is also the Gravy family. Mr. Gravy works here at the Dairy. Mrs. Gravy used to be our schoolteacher but her son Candy told her that he could not stand being the teacher’s pet, so she quit. Candy and Angus act more like brothers than they do friends.
     There’s also the town healer, Doc Butcher. And then there is the man who will marry me today, Reverend Robert Alden (Alan Alden’s great grandfather). Well, enough of this let’s-get-acquainted bit. Let me continue on with this week’s episode of Little Shack At the Dairy or Dairy of a Teenager.
     Today is the happiest day of my life, so far, because today is my wedding day. Manhandler and I have been engaged now for two hours and here I am rushing about getting everything together. Ma sure was right about…FLASHBACK!!! “Listen, young lady, if you want to look like a woman you have to act like one. So stop crying your eyes out and put on this lipstick, rouge, mascara, eye shadow, earrings, corset, and padded bra!”
     “Gee, thanks, Ma!”
     “What’s a mother for?”

FLASHFORWARD!!!

     I am in my bedroom getting my wedding dress on. Mother is helping me get dressed, when Angus comes climbing up the stepladder.
     “Hey, Sis!”
     “Angus, please, I’m getting dressed!”
     “Aw! I’ve seen you nude a thousand times!”
     “What?”
     “You know that moth hole in the blanket?”
     “Yes.”
     “Well, it really isn’t a moth hole. I cut that hole with my pocket knife. It makes a good peep hole.”
     “Why you dirty, no good…!”
     “Peeping Tom.”
     “Ma, did you hear that?”
     “Yes, and I am very disappointed in you, Angus”
     Angus said, “I really came up to tell you that Pa couldn’t get the church on such short notice.” [Note from Boara Shingles Wildcat: The church is also the town’s school.]
     “What? Oh, Angus, where will we have the wedding then?”
     “In the Dairy I guess.”
     “Oh great! And I suppose at the reception we’ll all do the cow pasture polka! And instead of having wedding bells we’ll hear the loud clanking sound of cowbells!” (Do you hear Christopher Walkin’?)
     “That’s not a bad idea, I’ll suggest it to Pa.”
     “Don’t you dare!” I yelled. “Angus, will you zip me up?”
     “Sure, but I didn’t know that dresses had flies.”
     “In the back, Angus. The back of the dress!”
     Dairyline said, “Oh, Boara, you look so beautiful.”
     “Ma, you’re such a fantastic seamstress. I mean, this dress looks fantastic and you whipped it up in a matter of twenty minutes!”
     “Well, I am rather good at that, aren’t I? Well, come on everyone is waiting.”
     “That’s it? Just come on dear? Aren’t you supposed to sit me down and have a little heart to heart talk with me about the birds and the bees?”
     “Oh dear, I was hoping that you wouldn’t remember. Well, you see the bees fly from one flower to another…”
     “It’s okay, Mom. You don’t have to continue. I was just testing you.”
     “You mean that you already know about S-E-X?”
     “Sure, Garbanzo’s sister already clued me in.”
     Angus butted in, “Ma, you can tell me about the bees and the birds. I haven’t heard the story yet.”
     “Never you mind, Angus. There are some things better left unsaid, for now.”
     “Aw shucks!”

————-

     When we went inside the Dairy I could see that the whole town had come. I began shaking in my high heels. Everyone was sitting on a cow. Down towards the end of the room stood Reverend Alden. My Manhandler was right next to the butter churns. Pa came up to greet me. “Hello, Half-Gallon, how’s everything going?”
     “I’m a little nervous, Pa.”
     “Well, let me tell you something. You see bees fly from one flower to the next…”
     “Pa.”
     Angus said, “Don’t stop him yet, Boara, it’s just getting interesting.”
     “May I continue now?” Karl asked.
     “Sure,” Angus said.
     “No, Pa. Miss Wildcat already gave me the speech.”
     “Oh, sorry. Well then, I’ll just tell the organist to start playing ‘Here Comes the Bride.’” Karl yelled, “Okay, start the music!” And we marched down the aisle.
     Dum, dum, tee dumb…Her comes the bride, the groom wants to hide, but there stands the groom in a bucket full of gloom.
     The reverend announced, “Who dost give this Bride away?”
     Karl announced, “My mother and I do, I mean her mother and her father.”
     “Good, you may sit down, Mr. Shingles.”
     “Right, I’ll just go sit down on Betsy over there.”
     “Good. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this day, in holy matrimony, Batman, to join these two people in holy wedlock, Batman. If there be anyone here that in anyway, whatsoever, feels that these two should not be joined in holy wedlock, Batman, let him, or her, speak now or forever hold his, or her, peace.”
     “MOO!”
     Karl yelled, “Don’t mind Betsy she just has a little gas!”
     Everybody laughed.
     The preacher continued, “Ha, hum! Do you, Boara Shingles, take this man…”
     “Oh, I do!”
     “Not yet, Pest,” Garbanzo said.
     “May I continue?” asked the reverend. I shook my head yes. “Good. Do you, Boara, take this man in health, in sickness, for richer, for poorer, till death do you part?”
     “I do in health and for richer but I don’t know about the other junk.”
     Garbanzo said, “She does in all of them.”
     “Good. Boara do you Promise margarine to love and to cherish, to honor and obey?”
     “I do four times.”
     “Do you, Garbanzo Beans Wildcat, take this woman to be yours in health, in sickness, for richer, for poorer till death do you part?”
     “I do.”
     “Do you promise to love and to cherish?”
     “I do.”
     “Hey,” I said, “what happened to honor and obey?”
     Manhandler said, “That’s only for the woman’s vows.”
     “Well, then I take back my honor and obey unless you put it into your vows!”
     “Okay,” he said, “I promise to honor and obey too, but only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.”
     “Fine,” I said, “I’ll take Tuesday’s Thursdays, and Saturdays.”
     Garbanzo replied, “That leaves Sundays open. You take Sunday too.”
     “No deal. You take it.”
     “Okay, I’ll take twelve midnight to twelve noon and you take the reset of the day.”
     “Where am I supposed to take the day to?”
     The reverend said, “If you two are finished playing Let’s Make A Deal, I’ll get on with the ceremony. Now then, do you have the ring, Garbanzo?”
     “Yes, it’s right here.”
     “Fine, now repeat after me,”
     “After me.”
     “Oh, brother!”
     “Oh, brother!”
     “Never mind!”
     “Never mind!”
     “With this ring I thee wed.”
     “With this ring I thee wed.”
     “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
     “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
     “Stop it, Garbanzo!”
     “Stop it, Garbanzo!”
     Manhandler,” I broke in, “stop repeating everything.”
     The reverend said, “You may kiss the Bride.”
     Manhandler took me in his arms and pressed his lips against my forehead. “Manhandler, you’re suppose to kiss me on the lips, not on the forehead!”
     “Sorry, but this is the family hour, Pest.”
     “Oh, brother!”
     “You called for me, Sis?” Angus asked.
     Karl yelled, “Everybody out to the cow pasture. It’s polka time!”
     “Angus!” I yelled, “I told you not to mention the ‘Cow Pasture Polka’ to Pa!”
     Angus replied, “I didn’t, honest!”
     Filly Oldson came up to congratulate me. “Well, Boara, I would rate your wedding as Grade ‘A’. Ha, ha, ha, ha!”
     What Filly Oldson failed to know, and if she would have known she would have probably turned green with envy, was that the wedding was not the only thing that was Grade ‘A’. So was the honeymoon and my life with the Manhandler forever after. I was Mrs. Boara Shingles Wildcat, a married woman, something that Filly would never know the meaning of. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

THE END – MOO! (Oh that Betsy!)

Editor’s Note:
Of course, I wrote my story before Nelly Olson was introduced to the man who would become her husband. I sent this poor little story to Dean Butler, who played Almonzo Wilder on Little House On the Prairie. He wrote back and told me that he would share my story with Michael Landon. That really made me happy. He also let me in on the secret that Nelly would be getting married (and it would be before Laura and Manly would get married). He also asked me not to spread it around, to keep the secret. Which is exactly what I did.