THE GIGALO GANDER – OCTOBER 2021

Idiotor in Chief:  Gigolo Joe                                                   Edition:  October 2021

Ass Idiotor:  Amanda Jean Turncoat

FACT:  Aurora James purchased a house for one point six million dollars.  She wanted the Bionic Man to be included in the closing fees, but he was six million dollars to begin with, not 1.6 million.  Woman, get your math right!

FACT:  Reverend (Is he really a revered leader?) Al Sharptongue, the racist troublemaker, owes loads of back taxes.

FACT:  It looks like Joe Biden owes $500,000 in back taxes; he also uses a shell corporation.  Joe, I only have one thing to say to you, “Pay your FAIR SHARE!!!”

The WORD of the Month – FECKLESS  –  by, Word Play 

            Feckless means:  “[effect, majority]  1:  ineffectual, weak   2:  worthless, irresponsible” (Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary).  This word was used to describe Liar-in-Chief Runaway Biden.  It was used by the wife of one of the military people killed in August by the exploding bomb at the Afghanistan airport.  I have to say that her use of the word is quite appropriate!  Effect means, “to bring about; accomplishment, fulfillment; influence” (Ibid).  So, Biden’s accomplishment to pull out all military from Afghanistan by August 31st was fulfilled, but he still did it in the wrong way, and that wrong way was the FECKLESS WAY!

            I have also decided to call him Liar instead of Commander because the man lies way better than he commands!  The man is not a leader at all, he is, … what’s the word I’m looking for?  Oh, yes, he is FECKLESS – ineffectual, weak, worthless, and irresponsible, very irresponsible!!!

Thou Shalt Not Throw Eggs at Candidates – by Reverend Silly Billy Gramcracker

            Before the California recall election on September 14th, Larry Elderberry, who was running for state governor, was walking down a street with a crowd of people.  Behind him was a white woman on a bicycle.  She had a gorilla mask over her face.  I doubt that she was wearing the mask to protect her from coronavirust, but rather to protect her secret identity (I heard she was working for Governor Graven Troublesome, but perhaps she was really working for the CIA?).  This mask had bright pink hair, not that the hair color is important; I just thought it was interesting.  Anyway, one of Elderberry’s people pulled on the back of the woman’s back pack.  He did not hurt her, but she blew up like a hydrogen bomb!  “Don’t touch me!”  She was mean and nasty to the man.  She even threw a left hook to his face.  Of course, she is just mean and nasty, because, she was throwing eggs at Elderberry.  And it is because of her nastiness that she was wearing a black faced gorilla mask.  One may wonder, however, if her wearing a gorilla mask was symbolic in nature.  If so, what did she mean by it?  Was she making the statement that she was a black supremacist because Elderberry, according to Governor Graven Troublesome, is a white supremacist?

            I say this because, if you did not know this, Larry Elderberry is a black man.  He is a famous radio talk show host.  And shame on Principia for the way they treated him when students wanted to hear him come to the college to speak to them!  Principia’s administration was no better than the woman wearing the gorilla mask.

            What is a crying shame is that after the recall election, the old governor is still governor!  AW!!!  What frustration upon the citizens of California.  I smell something rotten in California and it’s not the polluted streets of San Francisco!

Liar-in-Chief Runaway – by, Eye Noticed

            On September 9, 2021, Joe Biden gave a speech, in a brown suit.  It was a dark brown, and almost black, but not quite black.  I was surprised that nobody in the fashion-Nestea press commented on it, like they did the tan suit he wore earlier in the summer.  Joe spoke about the coronavirust problem because he wanted to try and make people forget about his disaster in Afghanistan in August.  All he did was really turn people off and attack 80 billion people because they are not yet vaccinated.  A news person at FOX (Dana Purina-Dog-Chow) believes he gave the speech to try and help Governor Troublesome in California, as the recall was just around the bend.

            Joe Blow Biden lied during his speech (what’s new?).  He can’t do anything but lie to everyone; it’s his nature; just as the scorpion will sting the frog after the frog helps him cross the pond.  But he really is becoming a real Dick-Tater-Tot.  Now he is going to inforce work places, with 100 employees and more to force their employees to get shot (vaccinated).  Well, South Dakota’s governor is going to sue him if he goes through with his little nasty plan.  I hope she wins too!  (Now he is trying to tell everybody that people are infrastructure!)

            In the picture below Biden and Crying Chuck were speaking about climate change.  Biden lied about this too, saying that our country has been hit with more violent hurricanes as of late than ever before in our history.  You will see that he lied, as shown in the information given below the picture.

CHUNG LEE CONFUSION

            It is better to have loved and lost than to keep what does not belong to you in the first place, the second place, or even the third place – especially if it is an Olympic Medal.

Today’s Zodiac – by Astral Projection

            If you were born in the last portion of this month (and near the beginning of November) then you are a Scorpio.  Scorpio is symbolized by the scorpion – duh!  Does this mean that your sting is worse than your bite?  Scorpio is a water sign, so sometimes one might mistake the scorpion for a lobster and take a big chunky bite from it!  Do you eat out at a lot of seafood restaurants?  Do you like to listen to music by Sting?  Yes, I have a lot of questions and I have NO answers what so ever!

            Scorpios deal with emotions unless they are closed off to their own emotions.  Scorpio has to do with death and regeneration.   So, does this mean that death is only the regeneration of a new life?  I believe that if you are a Scorpio, that you picked the right time to fall under that sign, because, it means when Armageddon takes place (as we see what is now taking place in the Middle East, the Middle West, and the Malcolm in the Middle) you will be saved!  Some Scorpios seem to be the strong, silent type.  Some of them have a tendency to ghost their friends – so watch out for them (which is hard to do if they really are ghosts) – even if they do look like Patrick Swayze.

            And now for your serious fortune:  This month you will experience a lot of fun and excitement wherever you go, as long as you are allowed to go wherever you want to even if you haven’t been vaccinated!  But to get around that nonsense all you have to do to people who ask to see your vaccination card is say, “No comprendo, no hablo Julio Englaa-say!”  Or if you speak Afghanistan use that language.  Then you will not need to prove a single thing to anybody!  Or just whip out that stinger of yours.

ARE YOU UNDER QUARANTEEN BECAUSE OF COVID 19?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET AWAY BUT YOUR BEING HELD HOSTAGE AT GUN POINT BY THE AUSTRALIAN POLICE?

            Then you need to learn how to Astral Plane your body to where you are free to go everywhere you want to go!  Think of it, you can go to the moon, to Mars, to other galaxies if you want to!  You can go to your favorite restaurant and not be carded; the only problem is you probably will not be able to taste any of the food.  This is okay because you probably have no money to pay for your meal; in fact, I have to wonder if you even have any clothes on (?).  You can go visit your grandparents with no worries, even though they will not be able to see you, unless they meet you on the astral plane as well.  And you do not want to see your naked grandparents!

            Yes, in the astral world you can go anywhere and do anything – except eat food, speak to other people in material bodies, or pick up material objects.  It is even a mystery how you can stand on the ground or floor without passing through it!  But hey, who can question the principles behind astral projection and how it works?

            While you are there you will not be bothered by any democrat loons demanding you place a mask over your face!  You will not be harassed by police wanting you to keep out of the football stadium or hear your favorite band play music.  You are un-harassed by any covid restrictions!

            Here is how you can leave your material body.  First you must eat all food before 6 p.m. (1800 hours).  Then go to bed around 9 or 10 p.m. (2100 or 2200 hours).  Then you must set your alarm clock (before you go to sleep, of course) to go off around 1 a.m. (or 0100 hours).  Then you get up for a couple of hours and then return to bed.  Lay flat on your back, with your head on a nice My Pillow.  (I’m willing to do a commercial or two.)  Consciously tell each part of your body to totally relax.  Then when you fall asleep, make sure you do not take a left turn in the road, because that leads to communism.  Make sure you go right on the road and that leads you to being able to go where no man has gone before, except people who have astral projected their bodies before you.

                                                                        –Story by Captain James T. Berserk

CHUNG LEE’S CONFUSION (again)

            OSHA was recording, up until June 2021, bad side effects from the coronavirust vaccinations.  Since June 2021 OSHA has not reported any side effects.  And this is the same organization that Joke Biden is using to back up his dictator move to force companies with more than 100 employees to vaccinate their employees.  I guess teachers in New York are not very happy with the man either, as on the September 11th weekend they were protesting him in the streets, saying over and over (like the people in sports stadiums have been doing), “F*** Joe Biden!”

FOX News reporter, Peter Poochee asked Jen Psaki about Biden’s new “mandate” (new word for it is “requirement”) on coronavirus vaccinations, “Why is it that you’re trying to require anybody with a job or anybody who goes to school to get the covid 19 vaccine but you are not requiring that of migrants that continue to walk across the southern border into the country?”

            Jen replies, “Well, look, our objective is to get as many people vaccinated across the country as humanly possible.”

            “It’s a requirement [really a mandate] for people at a business with more than 100 people but it’s not a requirement [mandate] for migrants at the border.  Why?” Peter asked.

            “That’s right.”  Then she pointed at another reporter and said, “Go ahead.”   (Well, she did not answer his question at all, while at the same time she was really RUDE!!!  I think the woman is related to Alfred E. Newman?  Actually, he’s cuter.)

            The following conversation between Jen and Pete took place on September 20, 2021.

            Peter asked her, “If someone walked into the country across the river does somebody ask to see their vaccination card?”

            Accomplished liar Jen replied, “Individuals [illegal aliens] come across the border and ah, they are both assessed for it [whatever this means?], if they have any symptoms, the intention is for them [the illegal aliens] to be quarantined [but most are not].  They [the illegal aliens] are not intending to stay here for a long period of time.  It’s not the same thing.”  But it is the same thing!

            If she believes what she said, I think she’s been drinking the Cool Aid!  The immigrants (illegal aliens) are planning to stay in the USA forever, they were invited by her boss, Joe Biden – remember Jen?  But perhaps she really meant that the illegal aliens were not intending to stay underneath the bridge in Del Rio for a long period of time?  Yet, my take away from her statement is that she and Biden see all immigrants – or illegal aliens – who just walk into our country, as vacationers, or as people who want to work for a period of time and then go home; they do not see them as permanent residents (but they really do, they just pretend to think that these people will eventually all leave the country).  The illegal aliens sure see themselves as citizens (it’s what they were promised after all).  None of the people who were camping out at Bidenville made the trek from Haiti.  Nope, they had legal residence in other South American countries after they got asylum in those countries years ago.  They only came here because Biden put out the welcome wagon to the whole world while on the debate stage! 

            If you allow the illegal aliens to not be vaccinated, even for a short visit or stay, should they still not be quarantined for fourteen days, or at least given a shot in the arm?  But many, like the Haitians, are not even being examined before our government lets them go free inside the USA (all 48 states – I say 48 because Hawaii and Alaska are not really attached to the main body of the country – however, this does not mean the Haitians could be given free airplane fare (that American tax payers are paying for) to Hawaii or Alaska).

FACT:  Since 1990 over 100 million people have entered our country illegally.  (That we know of.)  It is way more than that since the beginning of this year began – THANKS JOE!

FACT:  People from 198 countries around the world have come across the southern border since January 20, 2012.

The Real Reason Why… — by Dr. Phil God (I went to the same school as Dr. Jill Biden – we were known as Phil and Jill)

            What is the real reason behind the government wanting children to wear masks and to be vaccinated for the coronavirust?  It is because of one reason – natural immunity.  It is the only plausible explanation there is, that the reason why the government wants your children to be vaccinated (even when, materially speaking, it is safer for them to get coronavirust than to be vaccinated for it) is because they do not want children to become naturally immune to coronavirust.  If the children do not build up natural immunities to the disease then one variant after another variant will come year after year.  This means that people will continue to have to be dictated to, they will need to continue wearing masks the rest of their lives, and they will need to continue to get booster shots or this shot or that shot.  The government will not have the money to give the vaccinations to the public for free anymore (thanks to communism), so people will be forced to pay for their immunization shots year after year.  This means money for the pharmaceutical companies and mad scientists like Dr. Faust and his ilk.  (They get paid anyway, because the government pays them if we don’t.  But, of course, we are really paying them because we pay taxes.)

            The children are also supposed to wear masks in order to keep from getting the disease, so that they cannot become immune to it.  Yes, they have their dastardly mean ways of keeping herd immunity from taking place!  It is material SCIENTIFIC fact that people who are immune, because they caught coronavirust and survived, that their immunity is way better (27% higher than the vaccines) than any immunities you are supposed to get from the vaccination shots.  Instead of giving you a booster shot the people in charge need to be working on vaccination shots for the different variants that are coming into existence.  Of course, the FDA has put an end on Biden’s booster shots (after he paid for the medicine).  However, his appointed CDC woman (non-doctor?) has overruled the FDA on this point.  Dick-Tater-Tot Biden is also against Ivermectin going to Republican states, because he knows that it is an early safe and effective treatment for coronavirust and he hates the red governed states (that’s why he is flooding them with Haitians and other illegal aliens).

            There is a recent recording of a pre-school woman attempting to place a mask over a young child.  He was crying and taking the mask off as fast as she could get it on.  This is child abuse!

            What we really all need to do is give up the belief that there is life, truth, intelligence, and substance in matter and begin to REALLYTRUST IN GOD’S SCIENCE!!!  Not that Scientology junk but real Science, Christian Science.  If you really want the cure for all diseases then read SCIENCE AND HEALTH WITH KEY TO THE SCRIPTURES, by Mary Baker Eddy.  The “little book open” (Revelation 10) is the answer to the pandemic; it is also the answer to communism taking over the world as a one world order.

FACT:  Joe Biden is the greatest super-spreader of the coronavirust.  How?  Well, he allows ill illegal aliens to come into our country.  He has allowing non-vetted Afghanistan refugees to come into the USA, these people have not been vaccinated, nor does he care if they are.  He only cares that he may be able to get them to vote in the 2024 election for his party!  (I also heard, not sure it is correct, the Chinese vaccine is being offered to the immigrants.  If true, this would explain why they are turning down being vaccinated.  Who would trust a vaccine made by the same country that released the pandemic?)

CHUNG LEE’S CONFUSION (one more time)

            Did the August drone airstrike really take out an ISIS-K man?  No, it took out a humanitarian aid worker (along with seven innocent children and two other people).  This man was loading containers of WATER into his vehicle (not bombs or explosives like the DOD claimed).

FACT:  There were 570 riots during 2020 that the Left (BLM and Antifa) is responsible for.  Yet, they are not being investigated or looked into by Congress.

Justice for J6 Rally – What a Dud – by Stacks N. Figures

The following chart is more up to date.

            On September 18, 2021, there was a Justice for J6 rally held in Washington Dot Com.  Nancy Pelono, once again, put up more fencing.  (Too bad they cannot take down that fencing and place it on the southern border!) 

            The Left kept saying that the white supremacists were coming to take them away, ha, ha.  Maybe it is really the men in the white coats with the nets coming to get Nancy?  Because, absolutely nothing happened to excite anyone on September 18th’s Justice for J6 rally.  There were more news people there then there were protesters!  There were more policemen and National Guard there than protesters too.  Also, within the crowd of protesters were undercover agents (probably FBI) posing as rally goers.  I guess they failed to excite the very small crowd of real protesters!  I wonder if the FBI undercover agents were all dressed in black clothes.

            What were the protesters actually protesting?  Well – they were protesting the unconstitutional way that people, who have been arrested for the January 6th rally/protest (what the Dems call an insurrection), have been unjustly treated by the FBI, the court system, and how they have been mistreated while inside prison and held there without bail for months.  The whole thing is unfair and unconstitutional.  Perhaps to get out of prison they need to claim that they are really with BLM or Antifa?  Yeah, that would probably work!  I do not believe that John Sullivan (a Leftist protest-riot-mob organizer) is still in jail, and he was there on January 6th egging people on to do bad stuff (even though while on CNN he pretended that he was there as only a reporter).

            Pictures and videos that were taken on January 6th have recently been released to the public.  Joe Biden did not want these pictures to be released to the public but a federal judge rejected his administration’s strenuous attempts to hide the video footage from January 6 (2:25-2:40 p.m. eastern time).  What did they show?  They showed peaceful people just coming in the door and climbing through a window in to the Capitol.  However, they were not rioting or causing trouble, they were just walking around; they were not causing any trouble at all.  They were taking selfies and doing sight-seeing stuff.  So, no one, in those particular videos, is rioting, all of them ARE peaceful!  Another video showed breaking and entering by men in black outfits with hoods over their heads and masks to hide their identities.  Who were these men?  Were they undercover FBI agents?  Were they Antifa or Left-wing extremists?  We may never know – but where is Congress’s investigation into the ‘MEN IN BLACK’?

            Another video, that has been seen, showed the man with patriotic paint on his face and who wore a hat with horns on it.  He is actually a shaman and is one of the people arrested, mistreated, and probably is still in jail.  He did nothing wrong except probably go up behind the area where Congress sits to conduct business.  There was a guard in the room.  Also, on the floor in front of the desk, was a man talking to somebody on his phone.  He told his friend, “I got shot in the face” with a plastic bullet.  The guard asked him if he needed help and he told the guard that he was okay.  In the meantime Nancy is just mad that her meals might be interrupted, maybe she will miss out on her ice cream, no wonder she gets along so well with Biden.  Has she thought about getting rid of cows and the ice cream factor, or is she like Joe and AOC?

RINOS HIDING IN THE BUSH FAMILY TREE – or – IS DANA PURINA DOG-CHOW STILL IN LOVE WITH G.W.?) – by Ima Shrub

            On September 11, 2021 President George Washing-a-ton-of-clothes Bush gave a speech.  Present, in the audience, were presidents Clinton and Obumber.  Also present was Vice President Joe Biden (who was not allowed to give a speech). 

            In his speech G. W. Bush compared the tragedy of September 11, 2001 to January 6, 2021!  He actually compared, in his pea-brain, January 6th to September 11th saying that the second incident was just AS BAD as the first!  Really?  Over 3,000 people died and many were injured on September 11th while only four people died on January 6th.  Then G.W. compared the people at the Capitol building this year to the Taliban terrorists from twenty years ago!!  What happened twenty years ago?  Four USA airplanes were high jacked and crashed.  Two airplanes were aimed at NYC’s Twin Towers (they were destroyed and many US citizens died), one airplane crashed into the Pentagon, and one airplane heading for the White House went down before it reached its destination because of the BRAVE US of A citizens on the plane!!!  They sacrificed their lives.  What happened this year?  Three people died from heart failure, one policeman died the following day from a stroke, one unarmed female vet was shot to death by a black Capitol policeman, and 30 policemen were injured (and some people were injured with rubber biscuits, I mean bullets.  Which event was worse?  Um, any idiot would have to say, the one under Bush’s watch (and I’m not speaking about his TIMEX)!!!!

            President Bush proved, during his speech, that he is not a Republican; he is just a Republican In Name Only – a RINO!!!!!  He is one of the One World Order Globalists at heart and a rotten painter.  (One thing for sure, Hunted Biden is a way better artist.)

Quote by Joe Pinocchio and Other Fairy Tells – by Gouda Fairy

            What did Joe Biden really say on September 11, 2021?  Your guess is as good as mine!  Yet, for once, he did not actually lie.  To be honest, it is hard to figure out what he actually did say!

            “This idea that, you know…what do you want to do with Biden?  ‘I want to box him!’  I should be so lucky.  But the kinds of things, or you know…stuff that’s coming out of, you know…if Robert E. Lee had been in Afghanistan we’d have won.”

            Now, I am not sure that this news clip was not edited to make him look worse than he really is, but if he did say this rambling on quote, then we must ask ourselves if he should remain in charge of our country.  Shouldn’t Nancy be asking her pal General Mills to take the football away from Joe like she did with President Trumpet on January 8, 2021?  Of course, she should not, because it is not her job to do so!  Yet, she was ranting and raving about how Trumpet is crazy!  But she is the one who is crazy; or is she just coup-coup for Coco Puffs?

            On January 4, 2021, President Trumpet’s people went to Nancy Pelono to have her agree with them to have the National Guard present at the Capitol building on January 6th because she had to sign off on it being that she is the Speaker “ruff-ruff” of the House.  She out and out refused!  Because she is Pelono, and she said “no” to everything President Trumpet wanted and asked for – yes, she hates him that much.  When Nancy contacted Peddle Cash at the White House, not long after Ashlie Babbitt had been shot by a Capitol police lieutenant, her main concern, or question, was about how fast, or when, the congressional food services would be up and running!  Yes, the non-insurrection outside really was not bothering her at all!  She and General Mills are the real insurrectionists.

TWEET BY ZNN – “House Speaker Nancy Pelono told House Democrats that she has gotten assurances there are safeguards in place in the event that President Trumpet wants to launch a nuclear weapon or even goes out to lunch, according to multiple sources.”

            Biden’s quote about General Lee makes me think that he is an official KKK member when he thinks that a Confederate general would have won the Afghanistan war.  He could have easily have said General Grant, okay, maybe in his brain it is easier to say General Lee instead of General Grant, but he did not.  Well, he could be correct about General Lee, because Head Hunter of Jointed Chiefs General Mills (my joke name for him because there is also a General Kellogg) really botched the job.  General Mills is only good at producing Fruit Loops, or is that General Kellogg?  (I checked into it, General Kellogg does Fruit Loops and General Mills does Coco Puffs.)  Also, stay tuned to General Mills’ future – if Bob Wouldlie’s book Peril is correct (co-author is Robert It’ll Costa).  Did General Mills betray our country and President Trumpet?  What is going to happen to him?  Will he be forced to resign?  Tune in tomorrow, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel!

            Mills should go to jail for treason if he did go behind President Trumpet’s back and promise to warn the Chinese government if and when our country was going to bomb them.  We know for sure that he spoke to Nancy about the football.

FACT:  Joe Biden’s family owned black slaves.

FACT:  Henn Peck, radio talk show host, brought out the last FACT in October of 2020 (before the election).  News media lied and said that Peck was wrong, that there was no proof that Biden’s ancestors had been slave owners.

FACT:  In September 2021 news media have brought out the story, pretending the topic had never even been touched upon before, that Joe Biden’s family once owned black slaves.

HORSE REINS BECOME WHIPS? – by Red Rider

            An investigation is being performed after pictures and videos are seen and misconstrued on purpose.  The Border Patrol horsemen were only trying to keep Haitians from entering Texas.  The reins on the horses are super long because the horsemen use the reins to direct their horses.  People saw the use of the reins as whips being used on the Haitians and called fowl.  Yes, the Leftists are indeed chickens, turkeys, and all other types of water fowl when they tell lies, because, they just do not want to talk about the real facts!  Like one fact being that there were over 5,000 Haitians camped out under a Texas bridge near Del Rio (which means – “the river”).  It was nicknamed “Bidenville,” after 46.  It is now Hidin’ville as the illegal alien Haitians have all disappeared (most of them inside the continent of the USA).

            Early on Senator Camel La-La Harris said that there should be an investigation into the incident; even though she has said nothing about the thousands of Haitians camping out underneath the Texas traffic bridge.  Weird words coming from her, since she is the one who is supposed to be in charge of the southern border and it is her fault that the border patrolmen were out there on horseback in the first place.  It is especially Joe Biden’s fault that the Haitians and everybody else in the world are coming here!  But this is by design – they see the invaders as future Democratic voters (especially if he can get no limit on Green Cards, Purple Cards, and Yellow Cards).

            Dan Bon-bon-jean-o said that this was “the first whipping incident in history with no whip and no incident.”

            There is a difference between what happened in this instance and what happened on the plantations – the slaves did not come to the U.S.A. in a voluntary manner, but the Haitians were coming to the U.S.A. voluntarily – THEY WANT IN!!!  They are trying to BREAK our laws.  There is nothing wrong with them coming so long as they try to come in the correct way, via the laws of this country.  How can we expect them to obey all our other laws if they break our immigration laws from the very beginning?  The answer is, you cannot trust them, but that is exactly what the Biden Administration is doing!  They trust all illegal aliens coming into our country to show up to their court appointment (most of them three years down the line).  Most of them do not bother to show up at court, they prefer to live in the “shadows”.

            Others making something out of nothing were MSNBC’s Joyless Reid, Congressman Illham Omar (who married her own brother), ZNN’s Chris Coma, Maxine Water-on-da-brain, DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkass (who at first was on the right side of the looking glass but then turned all political and now dons a mad hat), Al Sharptongue, and Congressman Ananna Pressley (no relation to Elvis).  (It was wonderful to see the Texan citizens yelling at Sharptongue and telling him to leave their county because they did not want a racist like him being there causing trouble!  It ruined his speech – about time!)

            So these border patrol horsemen are now suspended, or stuck on desk duty, pending a full investigation.  Too bad nobody is investigating Joe Biden.  The company horses are not to be used anymore either.  Really, you are going to cut down on the horses’ getting exercise – call PETA, PETA, PETA!  Since Biden and his administration are continuously breaking the law then why can’t border patrol disregard BAD orders and continue riding the horses?  I think they can.  Why has nobody arrested Biden after he breaks laws over and over?  Where is the justice at in this country?  And do not forget who really has rein-ties to black slave owners – that’s right – Liar and Chief Runaway Joe Crow Biden does!!!

VOTE FOR CHIEF JAMES CRAIG FOR GOVERNOR IN MICHIGAN!

            In September Chief James Craig was trying to hold a rally when people, from outside the state of Michigan, showed up to protest and make so much noise that he had to leave.  Lucky for him, the woman with the gorilla mask did not show up.  Craig, a black man, was a policeman and he kept these people (the same loud, obnoxious protesting outsiders) from destroying the city of Detroit.  He kept them from destroying his city.  He believes these “protestors” were brought in by Governor Witless and that it was strictly political.

THIS IS THE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN EVER!!! – by Jack O. Lantern

            What with all the disasters coming out of the Biden Administration – I am really afraid!  There is the fiasco in Afghanistan where tons of people were left behind, where ten people (seven of them children) were bombed by a US droning on and on about Isis K, when they were not even in the neighborhood.  Poor white Toyota Corolla…does the Biden administration hate white people that much?  Blasted C.R.T.!  Oh!  Toyota Corolla is the name of a car!  Got it!

            With the stoppage of the building of the border fence (wall), with all the Haitians at the southern border in September, with all the other people flooding the border since January 20th, with the destruction of USA’s energy independence, with our economy beginning to tank, and with all the dictates from Emperor Sidious Biden coming forth, especially about coronavirust vaccinations – all is scary.  The list goes on and on – heck yes, I am deeply afraid; aren’t you?  B. S.’s and AOC’s $3.5 trillion (really it will be closer to $5.5 trillion) Reconciliation-socialist Bill, the fake $5 trillion infrastructure bill on top of it, plus the continuing resolution on top of that with the aid they want to provide for the Taliban terrorists, taxpayer funding for abortions, and all their hot-ticket items – be afraid, BE VERY AFRAID!!!  And do not believe their ghoulish lies that the bill will cost zero dollars!  Okay, if they plan to BORROW the money from China, then it may cost us zero dollars but plenty of yen!

            These bills will change the good old USA forever – heading it into communism – while putting our children and grandchildren into debt like nobody has ever seen before!

The Darn Durham Report!!! – by Patience B. Waiting

            The public has been patiently waiting to read John Durham’s report.  After two years something has finally taken place, someone has been indicted by a Grand Jury.  His name is Michael Suckmann, and he is a lawyer (no surprise) who worked for Hilarious Rotten Clinton.  Suckmann lied to the General Council of the FBI, at the time it was run by James D. Baker.  He told the Council that he had a short bread story about the Trumpet organization communicating with Russians on a secret server, particularly communicating with the Alfalfa Bank (not affiliated with Spanky Manhattan and Buckwheat First Bank).  Suckmann did have a story for them, even if it was a fish tail he gave them.  However, he pretended he was presenting this information to the FBI as a private citizen, all the while he was working with the DNC and the Clinton Campaign and lawyer firm Perkins Coyfish LLP.  The stretch is that the FBI believed Suckmann’s fish tail as truth, not that the bad guys were hiding out at Girdle Creek.  (Think about it!)  By the way, James D. Baker now works at Twitter making lots of Twinkies and cupcakes, and we wonder why they suspended President Trumpet’s account?

            But the Russian bank was smart; they knew something was up when they began receiving a bunch of ping-pongs, way back at the beginning of this saga, so they put a tracer in their system to see where the mysterious ping-pongs were coming from.  They traced it back inside the US (it was a set up).  Somebody was working hard to make it look like Trumpet had a connection to the Alfalfa Bank.  Crowd Strike (former FBI agents) leaked information to the press.  If you ask me, something smells fishy, and I believe it is H. R. C., her lawyer, and the FBI along with some Baker.

            Where is the outrage over all of this?  It was Hilarious Rotten Clinton who was cheating to win the 2016 election and continued to be involved in all of this sewage in order to ruin President Trumpet’s four years in office.  Why is this woman not in prison?

            What is even worse is that Joe Biden now has ties to all of this mischief, through his National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan (no relation to John Sullivan but of the same mindset).  He is alleged to Clinton’s 2016 scheme to co-opt the CIA and FBI to tar and feather Trumpet.  Is there any doubt that Biden did not also cheat to beat President Trumpet in 2020?  Just one example of his cheating follows in the next article.

HAUNTED HUNTED BIDEN – by Emma Skew Lenity

FACT:  Hunted Biden’s laptop IS REAL; there was no Russian disinformation about it.

FACT:  Hunter’s emails reveal that he asked for $2,000,000 per year and ‘success fees’ to help unfreeze Libyan assets.  The Libyans were smart and turned him down.

            It is now verified that the laptop left at a computer store for repair really belonged to Hunted Biden, and that it was not Russian propaganda – as promoted by the left-winged media and Vice President Biden before the 2020 election.  Now that Biden’s approval ratings are tanking the press is willing to tell the truth about the laptop.  There is also a book out on the topic.  Where are their apologies to the New York Post Toasties and to President Trumpet?  It turns out that Tony Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bob-Bobulinski was correct the whole time too (so he deserves an apology as well).

            So, once more, in the fall of 2020 (before the election took place), the Left complained about those who disagreed with them, and referred to them as conspiracy cooks.  But it turns out that they are the real conspiracy coups!  And as G. G.’s wrestling friend would say, “‘NOUGH SAID!”

THE DISTORTED VIEW – by Tele Moon-doe

            Camel La-La Harris was to be the solo guest on September 24th’s episode of The Distorted View.  At the beginning of the episode the four co-hosts were a-bitchin’ about people who have not as yet been vaccinated for coronavirust.  They were saying horrible things about these people.  It does not matter that perhaps these people have legitimate reasons not to be vaccinated.  The best one being, they are immune because they have had coronavirust.

            All of a sudden, the announcer, maybe a producer or director, asked two of the four women (the two on the viewer’s RIGHT side – HA!!!) to leave the stage.  Afterward it was announced that their tests came back positive for the coronavirust (yet they have been fully vaccinated)!   Talk about the irony of the situation!  Also, Joyless Blowhard was coughing during the show. 

            After that, Camel La-La did not come onto the stage (was she chicken?); instead she was seen via remote camera.  Her time with the two remaining hosts was cut down, lucky for Camel La-La, because this means she did not have to answer very many questions.  When she did speak about the southern border, it was not to take blame for her horrible actions and Biden’s terrible policies; no, it was to blame the men on horseback – our good, hardworking border patrolmen, who are innocent!  SHAME on her!!!

TRUE INDEPENDENCE

            A man has no right to do wrong.   His right is to do and think right.  Independence consists in his liberty and right to do right.  The misconstruction of the word independence is the offspring of malicious animal magnetism [evil suggestions or motives].  Beware of defending yourself against the right to do evil.  Man’s right is his power and privilege to act independently of evil suggestions or motives and he has neither right nor liberty to do wrong.  Neither divine law nor human law recognize the right of man to sin, to steal, to commit adultery, to murder; and to do these things no more means independence than no means yes, or good means evil.  So long as he exercises the mistaken sense of right, he will wrong himself and others, heap up wrath against the day of wrath, and bring upon himself punishment according to his deeds. (Divinity Course and General Collectanea, p. 161-162)

Angel’s Charlies

ANGEL’S CHARLIES

By Betty Crackers

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WERE THREE CHARLIES.  THEY ALL HAD VERY HAZARDOUS JOBS AND I TOOK THEM ALL AWAY FROM THAT.  NOW THEY WORK FOR ME, IN MY STABLE.  MY NAME’S ANGEL AND THESE ARE ANGEL’S CHARLIES.

     As the scene opens there are three beautiful women sitting on a couch listening to the voice coming over a telephone speaker.  There is also a man sitting at a desk running a slide projector.
     “Good morning, Charlies.  How are you today?”
     “Fine, Angel, and you?” asked Saprina Charlie.
     “Oh,” said Angel, “I’m fine also.  Now that we have all the pleasantries over with let’s get down to business.”
     Jelly Charlie said, “Look, Angel, I’m not going to keep working for fifty bucks a John.”
     “Yeah, Angel,” said Klis Charlie, “we want a raise. Cleaning toilets is a nasty and hard job!”
     “Oh, you girls,” Bopsly chuckled, “Don’t mind the girls, Angel, they’re always making wise cracks about something.”
     Angel blurted out, “Just everybody shut up and look at the slides!”
     Saprina said, “I admit that slides are fun to go down but why do we need to look at them for?”
     “I’m going to ignore that comment, Saprina.  Now, this is your client.  His name is Blurt Renoldswrap.”
     “Oooo,” Jelly drooled, “he’s sexy!”
     “Oh no you don’t,” yelled Saprina, “I saw him first and he’s mine!”
     Angel interrupted, “Girls, girls, there’s enough of him to go around for all of you.  An arm for Jelly, a leg for Klis, and a head for Saprina.”
     Bopsly asked, “What about me, Angel?”
     “For you, Bopsly, the torso.”
     “Oh, gee thanks.  That’s the best part!”
     “But before any of you can have him you’ll have to find all his pieces and put them back together again.”
     Klis asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
     “It means that some master minded magician manipulated a mischievous plot to cut Blurt Renoldswrap into several pieces of mutilated masses and mailed them through the mail to many unknown addresses and zip codes.”
     “Oh, that’s awful!” Saprina declared.  “But on the bright side, I always was good at jigsaw puzzles.”
     Jelly Charlie asked, “If that’s so, Angel, and he’s our client, how in the world did you find out about it?”
     “Simple, Jelly my dear, I received Blurt’s stomach in today’s mail.”
     “How do you know it’s Blurt Renoldswrap’s stomach?” asked Bopsly.
     “Elementary my dear, Bobsly.  There’s a staple in his belly button.  Now, are there any more unintelligent questions you might care to ask?”
     Saprina ventured, “Just one.”
     “What is it?”
     “What do you look like, Angel?”
     “Somewhat like John Forthsight, my dear.  Good-by!”
     Jelly asked, “Gee, I wonder if that’s anything like hindsight!  Te, he, he, he!”
     Just then the door slammed open.  A dumb looking blond woman walked in.
     “Who are you?” Klis asked.
     “Why don’t you remember me, Klis dear?  I’m your sister Silly, silly.  Te, he, he, he!!”
     Jelly said, “You two do seem to have the same laugh!”
     Saprina said, “Oh, it’s you, Silly Charlie, sister to Klis Charlie.  You left our wonderful family for a Six Billion Dollar Bianic Man.”
     “Yes, it’s me.  With all my crowning glory, with all my beauty, and with all my money, not to mention my teeth – all forty-five of them!”
     Klis said, “And not to mention that ten dollar wig!”
     Silly said, “Did yuh ever get the feeling you aren’t loved?”
     Bopsly announced, “Well girls, now that we’ve had a lovely family reunion shall we get to work?”
     “You’re right, Bopsly,” Klis said, “We’ll let by gones be by gones.”
     Bopsly said, “One thing’s for sure, I’m not giving up my torso just because Silly is back.”
     “Gee, I must be a dumb blond, that one went right over my head!” Silly replied.
     Jelly asked, “Where do we start?  I mean there are a lot of magicians in this town.”
     Bopsly suggested, “Why don’t you check out the place where all the magicians hang out?”
     “Well,” Silly said, “I have a suggestion, why not go where all the magicians hang out?”
     “No,” said Klis, “I have a better idea.  We should go where all the magicians hang out.”
     “Good idea, Klis,” Saprina said.
     Silly remarked, “Didn’t I just say that?”
     Jelly said, “No.”
     “I could have sworn I heard somebody suggest it before I did.”
     “You did, Silly,” Bopsly said, “I suggested it!”
     “Oh, that’s right.  I knew I heard somebody else say it.”
     Saprina said, “Okay, I’ll go to the Magic Sandcastle.  I heard that Sloug Denning is there.”
     “Sloug Denning, gee,” Jelly creamed, “He’s one of my favorite magicians.  It couldn’t be him.”
     Saprina said, “I know, but I’d better check him out anyway.  That way he might show me a few tricks.”
     “And I’ll check out the Blundering Blackrock,” Klis said.
     “And I’ll go to the post offices,” Jelly said.
     “What should I do?” asked Silly.
     Jelly, Saprina, and Klis all said in unison, “Sit on it, Silly!”
     She asked, “Sit on what?”
     Bopsly said, “Great.  While the four of you snoop around I’ll go and take a vacation.”
     Saprina, Klis and Silly are at the Magic Sandcastle talking to all the magicians.
     “Hello, I’m Sloug Denning,” Sloug said to Saprina.  “Isn’t magic wonderful?  Did you know that the magic of today is the science of tomorrow?”
     “No, I did…” Sloug cut Saprina off.
     “Yes, it’s true.  The whole world is magic.  I began in the Broadway play – The Magic Show.  Did you see it?”
     “Uh, yes…” Saprina said.
     “I knew you had, you remind me of that type of person.  You are a woman with a fantasy imagination.”
     “Listen, beaver mouth, I don’t have all day to listen to you blab on about the Wonderful World of Disney!”
     “That’s magic!”
     “Whatever!  Now, do you know Blurt Renoldswrap?”
     “You mean Blurt Renoldswrap the movie star?”
     “Yes.”
     “I thought you might have been talking about Blurt Renoldswrap from my home town.”
     “No, I did not mean the man from your home town, unless he happens to be Blurt Renoldswrap the movie star. If he is not Blurt Renoldswrap the movie star then it is not him at all!  Would you please answer my previous question?”
     “No, I mean – no I don’t know him.  Why?”
     “Because some mad magician magically made the man into multiple masses and mailed him to Minneapolis, Montana, Michigan, Missouri, Mississippi, Mongolia, and many other mailing addresses beginning with the letter ‘M’!”
     “Marvelously malicious!  The trick, I mean.  Why think of it, Blurt Renoldswrap will probably make it into the Gennis Book of World Records for being the first man to be split up into pieces for the longest amount of time.”
     “Slug,” Saprina asked, “do you happen to know what magician would have the know in order to perform a magic trick like this one?”
     “Actually, we prefer to call them illusions today.  Let me see…there are only two men that I can think of right now, besides me who have such knowledge.”
     “Who’s that?” she asked.
     “Blundering Barry Blackrock and Harry Houdini.”
     “Houdini is dead.”
     “I know, I wrote a book about him.”
     “Well, then, how can you give me Houdini’s name as a suspect?”
     “It just slipped out.”
     “I see.”
     “I’m glad you’re not blind.  Of course, if you believe in life after death or life beyond death it could be Houdini!”
     “Well, I’ve never been the type to believe in ghosts.”
     “Not ghosts, spirits.  Boogie dust!”

——————

     Klis and Silly are talking to Blundering Blackrock.  Klis said, “You see, we’re sisters and we need jobs.  Is there any openings for magician’s helpers?”
     “Well,” Blackrock said, “I think I can make some openings.”
     “Oh good!” Silly said, “Just what I always wanted to be, a magician’s groupie!”
     “Silly, you’re silly,” Klis replied.
     “That’s my name, don’t wear it out!”
     “The last time I heard that line,” Blackrock said, “I was watching Jesus walk on water.”
     “Wow, you must be really old!” replied Klis.  A light bulb went off above her head, “Hey, wait a minute…are you saying that Jesus was a magician?”

————-

     Meanwhile, at the Post Office, Jelly was talking to the Post Master General Meals.  “General Meals, could you tell me if you’ve seen any magicians hanging around here?”
     “I don’t allow any hangings in my post office.  Maybe some of them other Post Masters do, but I run a tight ship here!  It’s too messy to have hangings; of course, it’s not half as messy as those gun shootouts over at Sam Littleton’s Post Office.  Every Wednesday night he has disgruntled employees hold them.  He has tuh have a cleanin’ lady come in and mop up.”
     “Excuse me,” Jelly broke in, “but isn’t this irrelevant?”
     “It’s not easy to expand these stories out you know.  Besides, this is my only scene.”
     “Well, when I said hanging around I didn’t mean it literally.  I meant it as loitering.”
     “Littering?  I don’t allow that either.”
     “No, I said loitering!”
     “Sorry, I forgot my glasses.”
     “Don’t you mean hearing aid?”
     “Precisely, my glasses are my hearing aids.”
     “Please, just answer the question.  Okay?”
     “What is the question?”
     “Have you seen any magicians hanging around?”
     “I don’t allow any hangings in my Post Office…”
     “Oh, brother!  I can see he’s forgetful too!”

—————–

     Meanwhile back with Saprina and Sloug, “Do you have any other ideas as to who may have committed this crime?”
     Sloug replied, “Well, if it’s not Harry, it could be Phony Clurtis or Paulo Michael Gladiator.  They both played Houdini in movies.”
     “No, it can’t be either of them.”
     “Why not?”
     “They’re both employed by Golding-Spellman Productions like all of us Charlies.”
     Sloug said, “Now there’s a strange coincidence for you!”
     “Well, do you have any further suggestions?”
     “Yes, go see the medium Madam Butterfly.”
     “Okay, thanks for your help.”

—————–

     Klis and Silly are working with their new boss.  “Okay, girls, now this is my newest trick.  It’s called sawing a woman in eighths.”
     “Isn’t eight pieces a lot of pieces?  I mean, what if you misplaced a part?” Silly nationally inquired.

—————–

     Later on, back at the stable, the four Charlies are back together again.  They have gotten each other up to date.  Saprina said, “Well, I’m off!”
     Jelly said, “Wait for me!”
     Klis said, “See you guys later.  We have a show to perform.”
     “Klis,” Silly asked, “how come you called them guys?  You know they’re the same sex as you and I.”
     “Silly, it was just a figure of speech.”
     “I know.  I was just testing you.”
     “That’s what you say to just about everything.”
     “I wouldn’t know.  I don’t believe I’ve ever met Mr. Everything before.”

—————

     At the Madam Butterfly séance Saprina and Jelly are sitting next to each other.  Everything is dark.  Madam Butterfly said, “Now, everyone join hands and I will attempt to reach Harry Houdini!”
     “This is fun,” Jelly whispered.
     “Quiet!” Madam Butterfly snapped.  “Now, I shall try to contact the spirits!  Calling all spirits!  Calling all spirits!  This is Madam Butterfly.  If anyone is on the receiver please give us a sign.”
     “KNOCK, KNOCK”
     Saprina yelled, “Who’s there?”
     The spirit replied, “Gorilla.”
     “Gorilla who?” Saprina asked.
     “Gorilla my dreams I love you!”
     “Oh, this is fun!” Jelly shrieked.  “Can I do a knock, knock joke, Mr. Spirit?”
     “Sure.  KNOCK, KNOCK.”
     “Who’s there?”
     “Maverick.”
     “Maverick who?”
     “Maverick-ording of this séance?”
     “Oh!” Butterfly yelled, “Spirit, let me do one too!”
     “KNOCK, KNOCK”
     “Who’s there?”
     “Ken.”
     “Ken who?”
     “Ken I have another drink of water?”
     “My turn,” Saprina said.
     “KNOCK, KNOCK”
     “Who’s there?”
     “Dave.”
     “Dave who?”
     “Dey vent dat a vay!  Enough jokes.  Can I connect you to the party of whom you wish to speak?”
     “Yes,” Butterfly said, “we want to talk to Mr. Harry Houdini – the world known famous magician.”
     “Area code?”
     “1134.”
     “Please, watch your language!  Just one moment.”
     “Hello?”
     “Mr. Houdini?” Butterfly asked.
     “You were maybe expecting chopped liver?”
     “No, but we could have dialed a wrong number.”
     “What do you wish to ask me?”
     “Excuse me, this is the operator.  Please deposit another ten cents.”
     “Darn tele-communications company!  They’ll rob you every time.  There, I’ve deposited the money,” the Madam said.
     “Okay,” said the operator, “Go ahead, its’ your dime.”
     “Not any more it isn’t.  Mr. Houdini…”
     “Please, call me Harry.”
     “Oh, alright.  Harry, we have two women here who would like to ask you a few questions.”
     “Harry, my name is Saprina Charlie.  Do you know a man named Blurt Renoldswrap?”
     “No, but I know a Blurt Suranwrap.”
     “Well, that’s no good,” Saprina said.  “Have you any knowledge of the trick – sawing a woman in eighths?”
     “That would be a rendition of sawing a woman in half.  Let’s see, I know of only one man who can accomplish that trick, who is alive on earth, and that’s the Blundering Barry Blackrock.”
     “Thank you, Mr. Houdini.  May the Force be with you!” Jelly said.
     “The what?”
     “Oh, I’m sorry.  They must not have Bore Wars in heaven,” Jelly replied.
     “Come on, Jelly.  If Blackrock is our man then Silly and Klis could be in real danger,” Saprina sputtered out.

—————

     At the Magic Sandcastle Blackrock’s act is on stage.  “And now, ladies and gentlemen, I shall perform my newest fantastic trick, sawing a woman in eighths!”
     “Oh, boo!” yelled a heckler from the audience, “I saw that on the Cardson show last week!”
     “Wait a second!” yelled Klis, “who performed that trick?”
     “Why Funny Cardson, of course!”
     “Holy mole-ee, Batman!  Come on Silly let’s split!”
     Silly said, “Please, don’t be so descriptive!”
     Blackrock yelled, “Hey, wait a minute!  You can’t leave now, not in the middle of my act!”
     “Sorry,” Silly said, “but we quit!”
     “You can’t quit, you’re fired!”
     As Silly and Klis were walking out the door they ran into Jelly and Saprina.  “Hey,” Saprina said, “where are you two going?”
     “We’re going straight to Ben Knee Sea Studios to get our man!” Klis said.
     “What are we,” Jelly asked, “Mounties?”
     “No,” Silly said, “we’re Angel’s Charlies!”
     “But I don’t understand who our man is!” Saprina exclaimed.
     “That’s easy,” Klis announced, “Funny Cardson is our man.”
     Later at Ben Knee Sea Studios, Ed McWoman announced, “And now, heeeerrrreeeee’s Funny!”  The audience roars with applause.
     “Ah, ha, ha, ha,” Funny said, “you, you’re a great audience.”
     “How great are we?” the audience asked.
     “Ah, ha, ha, ha.  You’re so great that Sarah Lee is trying to patent you!”
     Klis yelled to Cardson, “Alright, Turkey, freeze!”
     “If I did I’d be related to a cold duck!” Funny joked.
     “This is cereal!” Silly said.
     Saprina corrected, “That’s serious, Silly, not cereal.”
     “Who are you ladies?” asked Cardson, “The Marx Sisters?”
     Jelly replied, “No, we’re Angel’s Charlies and you’re under arrest!”
     “Oh really, I thought I was under a boom!”
     “Ladies and gentlemen,” Saprina yelled, “this man cut Blurt Renoldswrap up into eight pieces and sent them all through the mail to different addresses throughout the world!”
     “Boo!” yelled the audience.
     “Wait a minute,” Cardson pleaded, “It was a magic trick, a joke, that’s all it was, a joke.”
     “No, it wasn’t,” Klis said.
     He asked, “It wasn’t?”
     “No, you had to get rid of Blurt because he was a threat to your show!  Well, I’ve got news for you, if you would have stayed on your show every night instead of having guest hosts all the time you wouldn’t have felt threatened!” Klis told him.
     “Alright, I confess.  You’re right!  I’ll put pore Blurt back together again.  Just let me keep my show, that’s all I ask.”
     “Well,” Saprina said, “I guess it’ll be alright.  But your shows will have to come from the pen.”

————–

     Back at the stable, after everything is over, the Charlies are talking to Angel again (over the speaker phone).
     “Well, Charlies, it was a job well done.  And welcome back, Silly.”
     “Thanks, Angel,” Silly said.
     “Say, where’s Bopsly at?” Angel asked.
     “He took a vacation,” Saprina said.
     “Ah, ha.  Well, I’ll have to deduct a few dollars from this week’s pay check.”
     “So, that’s how you became a millionaire,” Jelly said.
     The door opened and in walked Blurt Renoldswrap.  He asked, “Are you ladies the ones who helped put me back together?”
     “Yes,” Silly drooled.
     Bopsly walked in, “Oh, my torso has arrived!”  He gives Blurt a big hug.
     “No, it’s my torso, buddy.  Back off.  Come on girls, I’ll take you all out on a date.”
     “Oh, goody,” Klis said.
     “By, Bopsly!” they all yelled.  He went to sit down.  Angel asked him, “What’s the matter, Bopsly?”
     He replied, “I always get left out.”
     “Alone again, naturally.”
     “You said it.”
     “Oh, buy the way, I’m deducting your vacation from your pay.”
     “Angel.”
     “Yes?”
     “Sit on it!”
     “Sit on what?”

The End

The Six Billion Dollar Man and the Bianic Woman

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN

By Betty Crackers

     As usual Steve Astin was late for his jet test at Kape Cod Kennedy.  The men in charge were really getting mad because he was two hours late.
     He finally arrived, “Here I am.”
     “Where have you been?” asked General Adams.
     “I decided to take a walk.”
     “A walk!  You’re two hours late, Astin!”
     “Would you believe I walked here all the way from Georgia?”
     “Who do you think you are, Maxwell Smart?  Never mind, just get into the jet.”
     “Yes, sir!” Astin said.

————–

     “Ladies, gentlemen,” announced Oscar M. Wiener.  “I would like to tell you my plans.  But first we need a victim.  You see, we are going to build a bi-anic man.  A bi-anic man is part machine.  He will cost roughly about six billion dollars.”
     All the people present at the conference gasped at the large amount.

————-

     From the air Steve Astin radioed, “This is Astin, something has gone wrong. …I can’t hold her, I’m loosing altitude.  She’s breaking up.  I’m going to crash!  AHHHH!!!”

————-

     “Well, I think we’ve got our man.  His name is Colonel Steve Astin.  He just crashed!” Wiener announced to the group at the conference.

LATER….
     Oscar asked, “Well, Dr. Rudy Frankenstein, can you build Astin a bi-anic arm, eye, and two legs?”
     “Ve vill try, bot it von’t be ea-cee!”
     “Vell, I mean, well do your best.  You have the best staff and six billion dollars.”
     Frankenstein looked at him saying, “Vell, I sank that should do dee chob.”
     The doctors went to work putting this wire here and that wire there.  And as they did Rudy said, “Ze little vire’s connected to ze bigger von, ze bigger von’s connected to ze main von, ze main von’s connected to ze fingers and that’s ze vay you build ze bi-anic arm!  And zeen you’ve got to have skin, lots and lots and lots of skin…”

LATER IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM…
     “Get me out of here!” yelled Astin.
     “Now, now.  Don’t you vant a new body?” asked Frankenstein.
     “No!”
     “To bad.  Okay guys bring him out. Ve are goink to operate on him!”
     “No, no, a thousand times no!” Steve objected.
     “To bad, I’ve got billions of reasons vhy you should say yes.”

LATER….
     “How do you feel Steve?” asked a beautiful nurse.
     “Like six billion bucks!  But when people touch my hand or arm won’t they think it feels strange?”
     “No, you see it feels like your normal hand and we gave you the sense of touch.”
     “Oh…can I walk?”
     “Not yet, but soon.”
     Many days later Steve was in a recreation room with Rudy Frankenstein and the nurse.
     “Come on, Steve, you can do it.  You can valk,” the doc said.
     “It’s really hard though,” whimpered Steve.
     “You vill get better.”
     And the doctor was right.  Not only was he walking but he could also run almost sixty miles per hour.  And he could lift great amounts of weight with his right arm.  His eye was built in with a telescopic and infrared lens.  His relationship with the nurse grew also.
     “Would it be possible for us to go on a picnic?” Steve asked her.
     “I think so,” she said.
     “Great.  Oh, by the way, what’s your name?”
     “Carla.”
     So they both went on a picnic and did the usual things.  “Carla,” Steve said, “I think you’re beautiful.”
     “Thank you, Steve, but don’t be blue, remember Frankenstein is ugly too.”
     Steve wondered what she meant by her remark, as do I because I wrote this story decades ago and I am totally lost!
     The two of them packed up the picnic and headed on down the road.  They came to a place where there was a woman on the side of the road.  She was frantically waving her arms.  They stopped their car and got out to help.  They ran over to where she was and asked what was wrong.
     She pointed to an overturned car that was down the hillside.  “My son.  He’s in the car!  He can’t get out!”
     “Don’t worry,” Steve said, “I’ll get him out.”  He ran over to the car and ripped the door off.  Then he had to tare the seat apart.  He grabbed the little boy and ran off to the top of the hill.  The car blew up when he was about twenty feet away.
     While Steve had been trying to get the boy out of the car a spring had caught on his arm and ripped the fake skin off.  His arm now had exposed wires. Steve said, “Here you go, mam.”
     “Oh, thank you very much,” she said.  Then she glanced at his arm and noticed the wires.  “What kind of a man are you?  You…you stay away!”
     “But…” The woman ran off with her son.  “Boy, is that gratitude for you!  People sure are prejudice!”

LATER AT THE HOSPITAL….
     Steve yelled, “No, Oscar, I refuse to go on any mission!”
     “You cost me six billion dollars and you’ll do what I say!”
     “Never!  I scared that lady today.”
     “So, she’s a fraidy-cat.  She made you feel like a Frankenstein monster.”
     “I am a Frankenstein monster!”
     “Unlike Humpty Dumpty we put you back together again.”
     “I’m not your robot even though I am built like one.  And I do not care to work for B.S.B.O.”
     “Alright, don’t do it.  See if I care!”
     Steve said after thinking it over, “Oh, I’ll do it.”
     “Oh, thank you, thank you!  Kiss, kiss, kiss.”
     “Man, stop kissing my feet!” Astin said.
     “It seems like I’ve heard those lines somewhere before,” said Oscar, “Come with me.  I’ll brief you on what you’re supposed to do.”
     In Oscar’s office they were talking about Steve’s first mission.  “About six months ago,” Oscar told him, “Arabia kidnapped one of Israel’s ambassadors, Isaac Benjamin Goldman.”
     “You know, I always thought that with grown ups it should be called adultnapped,” said Steve.
     “Steve, be serious,” said Oscar.  “Anyway, we want you to go in and get him back.”
     “Sure, what are you gonna do, drop me out of a plane?”
     “How did you know?”
     “Do I get a parachute?”
     “Of course you do!  After we drop you from the BC3 over Sobia Arabia, you’ll have to run about twenty miles, break through a concrete wall, and fly a plane out with the ambassador.”
     “I’ll never make it!”
     “Sure you will.  Remember, you’re the star of the show!”

LATER…
     A plane is flying over the Arabian Desert.  Steve Astin jumps from the plane’s open doorway.  He counts off the seconds, “One, two, three, four, …What’s next?  Oh yes, five, six, seve, …Next time I do this I must remember to brush up on my counting…. ten!”  He pulled the ripcord.
     Once on the ground he released himself from the chute and began to run.  Only we get to see him run in sssssllllllooooowwww mmmmoooootttttiiiiioooonnnnn!!!!!  These scenes take up about twenty minutes of film…..WAKE UP!!!
     Steve is now outside the Arabian camp.  Steve looks directly into the camera to speak to us, the viewing audience, “I finally made it.  It wouldn’t have taken so long, but I zigged when I should have zagged.  There’s the jail.”  He attacked a guard and dressed up in his uniform.  Then Steve skipped over to the jail, “Pisst!”  A man came over to the jail window.  “Are you the ambassador of Israel?”
     “No, I’m Mata Harri.  The ambassador died two weeks ago.”
     “How do you like that?  Mata, I’m Steve Astin.  How did he die?”
“I’m not really Mata Harri!  My real name is Marco Polo.  The Ambassador died by several bullet wounds.”
     “Oh!  What a way to go.”
     “Stick ‘em up,” yelled a guard from behind Astin.  “Cough, cough, cough.  On second thought put ‘em down.”
     Steve said, “Well, you run through the desert and see if you don’t get b.o.!”
     They put Astin in the jail and attached chains around his wrists.  He pulled the chains loose with his bi-anic strength.
     “How did you do that?” asked Marco in amazement.
    “Vitamins.  Now, for your chains.  Can you…ummph…fly a plane?”
     “Does a thief steal?”
     “There you go,” Steve said.
     “I haven’t gone anywhere yet!”
     Steve told him, “Stand back while I kick down the door.”
     KABOOM!!!!
     Steve yelled, “Run!”
     A guard yelled, “The prisoners are escaping!”
     Steve ran to a machine gun and began to shoot…. RAT A TAT-TAT… Steve began to run toward the airplane, which was already moving.  A bullet hit his left leg, then his right leg, but he kept on running.  He caught the plane and jumped into it.
     “Man,” said Marco, “I’ve never seen anyone run like that before in my life.”
     “Vitamins,” Steve said.

LATER AT THE HOSPITAL…..
     “Why did you lie to me about the ambassador being alive?”
     “It was bad Intel, I swear!”
     “Oscar, lean down here close to my mouth, I have something to tell you.”
     “What?”
     “Oscar, you’re a wiener!”
     “Really?  Like I haven’t heard that one before!”
     “Well, it was a bad mission!  I got two shot up legs.”
     “To let you in on a little secret, it turns out that you did do some good on the mission.”
     “How’s that?” Steve inquired.
     “Marco Polo, the man that you saved, was an Italian spy who gave us some great information about the Arabs.”
     Doctor Frankenstein interrupted, “Now, Steve, it’s time to go bed-y-by.  When you vake up you’ll ve all fixed up!”
     The end?  You should be so lucky!  About two seasons later (television seasons that is) Steve Astin was having a psychological test.  “Vell,” said Rudy Frankenstein, “Your tests have improved greatly since two seasons ago.”
     “Yes, I know, I’m the star.”
     “Carla, take Steve’s tape to security.”
     “Yes, Doctor,” she said.  Then she left the room.  Steve moved over to the window.  He noticed Carla hand a strange man Steve’s tape.
     “What’s she doing?” Steve ran outside and began to chase the car that the strange man had gotten into.  He jumped right over the twelve-foot fence but he could not catch up to the car.  He went back to the laboratory to confront his doctor.  “Alright, Rudy, who was he?”
     “Who vas who?”
     “You know who I’m talking about!”
     “No, I don’t know vhich who vas who you are talking about!”
     “And I thought you were my friend!”
     “I’m your doctor not your friend.”

LATER WHEN OSCAR ARRIVED…
     “Come on, Oscar.  I know what I saw,” Steve told him.
     “Well what did you see?” he asked.
     “I saw Carla give a man my tape.”
     “Ze tape iss down in zecurity,” Rudy said.
     “Come on.  Did you forget that you gave me a super eye?  I saw Carla hand that man a tape!  I thought you three were my friends.”
     “So?  Vhat are friends?” asked Rudy.
     “I would give you a definition but there’s not enough time in an hour show.”
     “Is that a hint to the network to cut out commercials?” asked Oscar.
     “Hey, that’s not a bad idea,” Astin replied.  “Oscar, let me look at the security cards.”
     “No!” yelled Oscar.  “Why do you think they are called security cards?”
     “Oscar, how would you like a bashed in head?”
     “Okay, I’ll let you look at them, Steve.”  They looked through all of the cards and the stranger’s picture was not among the cards.”
     “So you took his picture out,” said Steve.
     “That’s for me to know and you to find out, Stevie-boy,” Oscar replied.

LATER STEVE SEES CARLA CLEANING OUT HER DESK….
     She is holding a picture in her hands of the same man that she gave the tape to.  “That’s him!” Steve exclaimed.
     “Oh,” Carla said.
     “You fired or something?” Steve asked.
     “Yes, I got fired for what I did, Steve.”
     “Who is he?”
     “His name is Barney Miller.  He was a race car driver.  About a year ago he was in an accident.  We…I mean…I thought your psychological tape would help him adjust.”
     “You gave him bi-anics.”
     “Not me, but Oscar and Rudy, well, okay, I was the nurse during the operation, so in a way I did help give him bi-anics.”
     “Oh Carla…. I thought you and I had something special going on, and now this!  You fell for a different bi-anic man!
     “Yes.  But don’t worry, Steve, I’m sure that you’ll find someone else to love, perhaps a woman with a man’s name, during the summer time?”

LATER…..
     Steve followed Carla to a bar.  She went inside and Steve followed her in.  “Hello, Barney,” she said.
     “Hi, Carla.”
     “You had better lay off the sauce.”
     “I can handle it,” he said as he dipped his chip into the hot sauce.
     “Well, well, if it isn’t Barney Miller,” Steve said.
     “We have a celebrity ladies and gentlemen,” announced Barney, “An astronaut with incredible strength.  Arm wrestle with you, Steve.”
     “Okay,” Steve said.  They sat down at a table.  Back and forth went the two inhuman arms.  Barney overcame Steve and the table split right in half.
     “You’re not the only pea in a pod you know,” Barney told him.

LATER IN OSCAR’S OFFICE….
     “Oscar,” said Steve, “you lied to me.”
     “No I didn’t.  I just didn’t tell you that Barney was bi-anic.”
     “He’s not adjusting to it either,” Steve said.  “Have you seen all the hot sauce he guzzles down?  That’s just not right.”
     “He’ll shape up after his first mission, just like you did.”
     “I don’t think so, Oscar.  First off, I was an astronaut.  I was tried and tested for stress situations and taking orders from my insubordinates!  Miller is just a car racer.”
     “Oh, you’re just jealous.”
     “No, I’m not.  I like Barney.  I think that he would make a great cop on the streets of New York.”
     “You’ll see,” Oscar said, “he’ll adjust.”

————-

     Steve and Barney went on a mission together.  They disguised as telephone men.  You might say that they were up a pole on this mission.
     “You know we’ve got a good view up here on this pole,” Steve said.  “We’ll wait until we see the truck coming and then go get the box.  And remember, no rough stuff.”
     “Sure thing, Stevie-boy,” Barney said.  “How much did you cost?”
     “Six billion and you?”
     “Seven billion.  How many different pieces…?”
     “Four,” said Steve.
     “I’ve got five.  Two arms, two legs, and a nose.  You wouldn’t believe what I can smell!”
     Steve said, “Here comes the truck.”
     They waited for it to go into the yard below.  Then they jumped down off of the pole and ran towards the truck.  Steve ripped off the back door of the van and then grabbed the box.  He ran off with it.  Barney was beating up the other guys.  He socked one of them and the man flew clear across the ground.  Then Barney tipped a car over that had another man in it.  He beat up all the rest of the men severely.  Steve came running back to get him.
     “Hey, Barney, that’s enough!” he yelled.
     “Steve, I’m wild, it’s wild, and it’s terrific!”
     “Come on, you can’t enjoy beating up people.”
     “Try it, you’ll like it!”

————-

     Back at Oscar’s office Steve was discussing the mission, “Oscar, Barney can’t cope with his bi-anics!”
     “Maybe you’re right, Steve.  We’ll turn down his power.”
     “I’ll tell him,” Steve said.  “Oh, I want you to give Carla back her job or I’ll punch your face in.”
     “You’ve got it!” Oscar said.

LATER AT THAT SAME BAR….
     Steve saw Carla and Barney sitting at the bar.  “Barney, old pal, we’re going to cut down your bi-anic powers.”
     “I don’t want them to,” said Barney.
     “That’s tough.  I’m the star of this show and what I say goes!”
     “Well, I don’t give a BLEEP what you say!”
     “Barney, you can make it if you try. Even if it is in your Second Hundredth Year
     “You know what bugs me, Stevie-boy?”
     “Cockroaches?” he asked.
     “No!  You do, Stevie-boy!  The fact that you made it and I can’t!”  Barney socked Steve in the stomach causing Steve to double over in pain.  Barney left to drive over to Oscar’s office.
     Barney asked Oscar, “Oscar, where’s the papers on the bi-anics?”
     “I can’t tell you,” Wiener said.
     “I’ll punch your face in.”
     “It’s in the safe!”
     Barney went over and opened the safe.  “These only tell where they are at,” Barney said.
     “I don’t keep important documents in a safe, not when maniacs like you can break into it.”
     “You’re the one that created this maniac!”
     “So I made a little mistake.”
     Barney left for the lab where he met Rudy.  “Alright, you’re gonna show me where those bi-anic papers are at, Rudy Tudy Fresh N. Fruity!”
     “Vut, I can do no such thing.”
     “Rudy, Tudy, Punch and Judy, I will kick you in the bootie!”
     “All vight…Computer, ON!”
     “Working…” said the computer. (Ooopps, wrong show!)
     Rudy showed Barney how to get the papers.  Steve drives up outside the lab where Oscar and his men are waiting.  “Steve, Miller is inside with Doctor Frankenstein.”
     “Let me go in, Oscar,” Steve said.  “Give me five minutes before you start coming in.”
     “Five?  Why not ten or twenty?”
     “I don’t know why, that’s just what the scriptwriter put down in the script!  It could be like hwo in the Westerns they always say that the bad guy has until sundown to get out of town.”
     “Okay, Steve, you have five minutes to get out of town.”
     “Thanks, Oscar.  You’re a real peach.”
     Steve went in and tracked down Barney.  In the mean time Barney was at the big safe that had all of the secret secrets inside.  He was trying to kick it open when… “Ooofff!!”  Barney said as Steve knocked him against the safe.  Then Barney got in a couple of blows and well, you know how it ends.  Steve wins, of course.  Yes, Steve saved the day, again.

LATER IN BARNEY’S HOSPITAL ROOM….
     “It sure is crowded in this bed,” Barney complains.
     “That’s because Carla’s fatter than she used to be,” Steve complained.
     “Me?  Listen, two’s company, three’s a crowd!” Carla complained.
     “Well, I’ve got to leave anyway,” Steve said.  “I think you’ll be better off now, Barney, now that you’re not as strong as you used to be.”
     “I thank you, Steve.  My mother thanks you, my fath…”
     Steve cuts him off, “That’s enough for one day, thank you.  Listen, Barney, good luck as a cop.”
     “Thanks, Steve.”
     “Good-by, Carla,” Steve said.
     “By, Steve, see you around,” she answered.
     “Especially on Friday nights and during The Pig Valley repeats,” added Barney.

The end….finally….until…..

THE BI-ANIC WOMAN

     Actually, I think that the writers could have named The Bianic Woman a different name – Blazing Summers!
     As you probably already know, the Bi-anic Woman is a spin off from that famous show, The Six Billion Dollar Man.
     You see, what happened was that Steve Astin went back to his old hometown of Oh-Why where he met his old flame Blazing Summers.  And they began to rekindle that old fire.  But just as it began to start sparking they went sky diving together.  Of course, Blazing was hurt when her parachute failed to open.
     And this is how Blazing received her bi-anic strength.  However, this was just the beginning.  After she recuperated from the operations that she had she returned home to Oh-Why where her and Steve were to get hitched up like a wagon.
     Of course, she is having problems with her bi-anics and fails to report it to Doctor Frankenstein.  She is then sent on a mission with Steve.  But everything gets fowled up because a little bird flew into her bi-anic ear.
     Well, she has to have an operation on her cuckoo-bird brain; only she dies on the dinner table, I mean the operating table.
     But one day Steve seems to think that he sees his long lost love.  Of course, Oscar, trying to be the friend that he is, tries to convince Steve that he is crazy.  What are friends for?
     But Steve does not give up until he finds out the truth, the truth that Jamie had been brought back to life by some young doctor.  However, there were complications.  Blazing lost her memory and has amnesia.  She fell in love with the young doctor that was looking after her.  Steve tries to become a part of her new life, however she ignores Steve.  This sends Steve into a chronic psoriases syllogism.
     In the mean time, Blazing is having these short memory glimpses into her past life that brings back an unbearable pain in her head.  Steve knows that he is the cause of her pain and that he must give her up.
     So Blazing is planning to go to Rudy Frankenstein’s hospital in Coloradodo Springs.  It is not too far away from Starplate Catering at Cayenne Mountain, but that’s a different story altogether!  Anyway, she has another operation where they put memory banks back into her brain.
     The operation was a success!  She regains her memory and goes off to Oh-Why, California, to become a schoolteacher to these little brats that no one else in the school can stand.

—————

     One bright and shinny morning, Blazing was on her way to school when the telephone rang.  It was none other than that man who goes under the code name of Tinker Bell.  Yes, you guessed it; it is Oscar Mayer.
     “Oh hello, Oscar, what is it this time?”
     “Blazing, so nice to hear your voice again.”
     Blazing said, “Quit beating around the bush, Oscar.  What is it you want?”
     “I vant to drink your blood.  No, just kidding.  There’s been a bomb planted in the Oval Office.  And we need you to get it out of the office before it blows up.”
     “But I’m hundreds of miles away from Washing-a-ton of Clothes!  Can’t you have Steve to iy?  I have to be at school in twenty minutes.”
     “No, Steve is in Bangor on another mission.”
     “Oh really?  What’s he doing?”
     “He’s trying to find these diamond smugglers.  They smuggle the diamonds out of the country through lobsters.  Now I want you to get on a jet and fly out her immediately.”
     “But Maine is closer than California!”
     “I don’t care if Russia invades China.  Just do what I tell you to do.”
     “Alright, but I have to find a substitute teacher first.”
     “Just do it, Blazing.”
     “Good-by, Oscar,” she hung up the phone and began to sing, “Oh, my big boss has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.  Oh, my big boss has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R.  I get more sick of him everyday and if you ask that’s why I’ll say, that Oscar Mayer has a way at B-U-L-L ‘um ‘ing me!”
     Blazing Summers is on her way to Casa Blanca, that’s Spanish for “White House”.  She is in a taxicab talking to the driver.  “Excuse me, sir.  But can’t you go any faster?  I have to defuse a bomb in the Oval Office.”
     “Lady, I don’t give any of my customers special treatment,” he said.
     “Excuse me, but it seems that you’ve slowed down.”
     “I’m for the President being blown sky-high.”
     “Oh,” she said in a surprised tone.  “Just let me out here.”
     “But this isn’t the White House.”
     “I know.  I’m going to run to the White House.”  She gets out of the car and begins to run in slow motion.
     The cab driver said, “Huh!  She runs slower than Jimmy Carter, and just slightly faster than Johnson did!”
     Blazing is running into the White House.  She sees Oscar at the front door, “Hello, Oscar.”
     “Hello, Blazing, thanks for coming.  Walk this way.”  He did a serpentine down the hallway.  She followed his example.  They enter the Oval Office.
     “Oscar, they call this the Oval Office?”  It looks like an ordinary square room to me.”
     “The bomb is over here.”
     “Oscar, I don’t know how to defuse a bomb,” she said.
     “Don’t worry about it.  You won’t die.”
     “How do you know?”
     “Because you’re the star of the show!  And besides, do you think that they would use real dynamite during the family hour?”
     “Well, I’ll do my best,” Twenty minutes later…”Well, here’s the bomb.”
     “You mean you defused it?” asked Oscar.
     “No, it’s still live but it’s unattached to the desk now.”
     “Blazing, that thing is going to go off in a matter of ten seconds!”
     “Oh!  I’ll have to throw it out the window!”  She used her bi-anic arm to fling the bomb across the yard.  “There, it’s out of the Oval Office.”
     BANG!!!!

————–

     A man walked into the room a few minutes later.  He looked like he had been charred and his clothes were all ragged and torn.  He replied, “Are you the ones who threw the bomb out the window?”
     “Yes,” said Oscar, “but she did the actual throwing.”
     “Oscar!” Blazing exclaimed.
     “Well,” said the man, “I just want you to know that I was almost killed.  And that you owe the government a couple million dollars for blowing up the Washington Monument!”
     Blazing replied, “Did you ever get the feeling that you should have stayed in bed?”
     Oscar and Blazing left the Oval Office and were walking down the hall when they saw a man falling down the stairs.  “Oscar,” said Blazing, “wasn’t that?’”
     “Yes, Blazing, that was the President.”

—————

     The next day Blazing was sitting at her desk when all of her little yard apes came rushing in.  A smart kid named Al-lick said, “Hey, Miss Summers, did you read the morning newspaper?  It seems that some stupid government agent blew up the Washington Monument!”
     “I wouldn’t say that the person was stupid.  They probably felt like the Washington Monument needed a little remodeling, that’s all.  Now sit down and be quiet!  Mary, how many times have I told you to leave your lamb at home?”

THE END……UNTIL THE BI-ANIC DOG…..