GIGOLO GANDER
Gander Staff: Gigolo Joe Edition G July 4th
Amanda Jean Turncoat
GILLETTE BLADE
(continued from post Gigolog Gander – B, so go back and read it if you have not read it yet)
When we last left off our hero was asking the questions: “Why do you want the Pink Puma’s…” Ba dump, Ba dump! “…name cleared?”
“Because, after each robbery, the owner of the store or shop is murdered, that’s why! They’re giving me a bad reputation! The worst part is, they know who the Pink Puma’s…” Ba dump, Ba dump! “…identity is because they hit wherever I am.”
“I get your dot.”
“Isn’t that point?”
“Where?”
Meanwhile at Boara’s house…Boara is reading through some papers when the doorbell knocks. “Who’s there?” she asked.
“Mozart!”
“Mozart who?”
“Mozart usually bodies of water that run rings around castles!”
“Come in, Morphean,” she said.
The door opened and he walked in and looked her round in the eye. “Wait until you hear what I have to tell you!”
“How long do I have to wait, five hours?”
“No, sit down and I’ll tell you. Now, you wanted me to find out about the Pink Puma.” Ba dump, Ba dump!
“I did?”
“Yes, you did! Now, here’s what I have on him. He’s an international fur thief.”
“I already know that!’
“I’m not finished. His trademark is the Pink Puma.” Ba dump, Ba dump! “Say, what’s that music I keep hearing when ever I say the Pink Puma?” Ba dump, Ba dump!
“Oh, that’s Henry MacAceeny.”
“Oh, well anyway, it seems like no one knows his true identity! He’s never been caught.”
“Great! He’s probably out of the country by now!”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why?”
“I’ll tell you why. Last month a place in Venice was robbed, last week he hit a place in London. Before he left either place after a robbery he went back and killed the owner of each place.”
“That means that our client, Bell N. Howell, could be in serious danger.”
“You know what I think, I think that Bell N. Howell, our client, is in serious danger!”
“You’ve got a dot.”
“Isn’t that point?”
“Where?”
“We’d better call her and warn her of the danger.”
Just then came another knock from the doorbell. “Who’s there?” Boara asked.
“Boch.”
“Boch who?”
“Boch, boch, boch, boch, boch, boch!”
“Sounds like a chicken,” Morphean said, “it must be Blade.”
P. Hup, two, three, four
Blade and his brother came waltzing through the doorway. The introductions began, “Boara, I would like to introduce my dancing partner to you, my brother Schick Blade. We usually call him Schicky Green, because he’s so funny.”
Schick said, “A man came up to me today and asked, ‘Did juh put the cat out?’ I said, ‘Heck, I didn’t even know he was on fire!’”
Boara replied, “Yep, your jokes are green alright!”
Gillette said, “This is my assistant, Boara Colt.”
“Oh,” Schick said, “did it hurt?”
“Why don’t we drop the pretense?” she asked.
“If you do it might break!” Schick joked.
“What’s your real name?” Boara continued.
Gillette replied, “Little Joe, ask him again and you still won’t know!”
“Hey!” Schick said, “I’m the one who’s the comedian, remember?”
Gillette smiled, “Look, Boara, for reasons beyond his control, Schick can’t give you his real name.”
Morphean said, “Oh, he’s a crook too huh! Wonderful!”
“Hey,” Schick asked, “how did you know? Who are you anyway?”
“To answer your first question, I’m a detective, your second, I’m Morphean.”
Boara’s mind was in a whirl of thoughts as she thought over the day’s happenings and Gillette’s response to the Pink Puma. Ba dump, Ba dump! The sudden visit of his brother, it all fit together. “Say,” she said, “you’re the Pink Puma!” Ba dump, Ba dump!
Gillette said, “There’s that music again!”
Schick said, “Say, you are a good detective too!”
“You’re under arrest!” Boara yelled.
“I thought I was under a strain. In fact, I think it’s the last strain to Clarksville!”
“Boara, Boara, Boara!” Gillette said, “You can’t arrest him because he didn’t commit the crime! He was framed!”
“Was it mahogany or pine?” she asked. “Look, this is the most silliest case we’ve ever been on.”
“Must be Dr. Depper,” Morphean replied.
“What?” Gillette asked.
“The case, Dr. Depper!”
Gillette announced, “Look, the reason why we came over here was to tell you that we believe that our client’s life is in danger! I suggest that we go see Miss Howell before anything terrible happens to her.”
Boara said, “You’ve hit the nail right on the thumb!”
“Isn’t that head?” Gillette asked.
Morphean asked, “Where?”
Just then, across the city, came a blinding blast from a handgun. The bullet flew through the air with the greatest of ease until it hit its object. The object was none other than, you guessed it, Bell N. Howell. But why? Who? Where? And, well, we know how. To find out these answers we have to depend on our detective friends to sniff out the clues. Colonel Mustard in the hallway with the revolver.
“What we must ask ourselves,” Gillette Blade remarked while standing over the dead body, “is who is Colonel Mustard anyway?”
“What?” Boara asked. “I would like to know who wrote this story!”
Schick said, “Well, at least we know I’m innocent!”
“And all this time I thought that you were my brother!”
“Well,” Boara said while bending over the body, “whoever the murderer is, he wants to put the blame on the Pink Puma!” Ba dump, Ba dump! “Because here’s your calling card in blood!”
P. Pick um up and put um down!
“My goodness, it is! Thank heaven we got here before the police!” Schick said.
“Were do we go from here?” Blade asked Boara.
“How should I know?” she replied.
“Well, you’re the detective!”
Morphean cut in, “If I might be of some assistance, I believe that we should look for a man with a limp who has blond hair, blue eyes, and probably goes by the nick name of Lefty.”
“How do you know that?” Blade inquired.
He replied, “Just a stab in the dark.”
“No,” Boara said, “she was shot in the dark! Say does this remind you of something?”
“Yes,” Gillette replied, “it reminds me of a Black Edwards film I once saw.”
“Really?” Morphean retorted, “Everything reminds you of a movie!”
“Well, Morphean, take a look at this!” Blade reached over and pulled the hair off of Bell’s head. Underneath was a head with short hair.
“You mean she’s a guy?” Boara asked.
“No,” Blade answered, “she’s a woman impersonating a female impersonator! It’s right out of the Victorian Principle movie with Julie Andrewstevenson and James D. Gardener!”
“But why?” Boara asked.
“Who knows? Nothing is making very much since with this case!” Gillette exclaimed.
“Seven Up?” Morphean asked.
“No, thanks,” Schick said, “I’m on a diet.”
“Well,” Boara announced, “I know who the murderer and the thief are!”
All the men asked in unison, “You do?”
“Yes. They’re one in the same person!”
“Even I know that Boara!” Gillette replied, “So…who is it Boara?”
“Well, look at what we have. Our client is robbed by the Pink Puma.” Ba dump, Ba dump! “Or, I should say, an imposter Pink Puma.” Ba dump, Ba dump! “Then the real Pink Puma…” Ba dump, Ba Dump! “…shows up as you know who’s brother.”
Gillette cut in, “But I thought he was my brother!”
She continued, “Next our client is murdered! She is a female impersonating a female impersonator.”
“What are you suggesting, Boara?” Morphean asked, “That we’re dumb? We already know all of this!”
“I know, but, and this is a big but…”
“I know,” Gillette agreed, “it’s nicely shaped too!”
She continued, “I have to rehash the scenario as all good detectives do in their mysteries!”
Gillette said, “Ah, I get your snow drift, as Charlie Chan once said, ‘Murder like potato chip! Murderer cannot stop at one!’”
“What does that have to do with the price of eggs?” Morphean asked.
“Nothing,” Gillette answered, “I’ve just always wanted to say it!”
“May I continue?” Boara asked. “The answer has been staring us in the face, or in this Pepsi case, it’s been blaring us in the ear! The murderer is…Henry MacAceeny!”
“Who died?” Morphean asked.
“Bell N. Howell, our client!” Gillette answered.
“No, no! Who’s this Henry MacAceeny anyway?” Morphean asked.
Boara said, “Our musical score writer, that’s who!”
“Yes,” came a voice, “you’re right, Boara. It is me!”
“But why?” she asked.
“You’re a detective, suppose you tell me!” Henry replied.
“Alright, I will! It is because you’ve gone over the bend and flew around the cuckoo’s next once too often!”
Paging Dr. Spock!
“That’s around the bend and flew over the cuckoo’s nest!”
“Right, well, am I right?” she asked.
“No,” Henry replied.
“Oh.”
“The reason is because whoever is writing this story is blank on ideas! She doesn’t know where to go with it so she’s making me the fall guy!”
“I thought Flee Minors was the Fall Guy!” Gillette said.
“Well,” Schick said, “now that my name and reputation are clear I guess I’ll be shuffling off to Buffalo.”
Boara said, “Oh, what a shame!”
Schick said, “You really have a thing for me don’t cha, Boara?”
“Yes, how about a sock in the nose?”
“Well, dear brother, if you ever need any help from me…” Blade cut Schick off.
“You’ll assist me for after all, Blade is thicker than water!”
“No, you’ll just have to suffer, I’m too good and important to help out a puny little detective like you!”
–Amanda Jean Turncoat
Movie Review
Star Wars VI: Return Of the Jedi
Wow! Fantastic! Just like I knew it would be!! The only problem is that you cannot talk about this movie to anyone because you will spoil it for them if you do! I do not know of very many movies where the audience cheers and claps but during the whole Star Wars epic this is what happens.
The people care about these characters!! We should care; after all this is the third movie we have seen them in!
There are a lot of things happening in this movie, lots of creatures, lots of action, lots to think about. It is no wonder you have to go see it more than once, which is probably the intention behind all the special effects.
Compared to the book, the movie moves much faster, but there is a little bit more information in the book, and you also get to know what the characters are feeling and thinking. Fer instance, in the book it describes what Han is feeling and experiencing when he is released from his frozen tomb. In the movie you do not really understand what pain he is going through. Since I read the book first I understood what it was he was feeling and it made the movie much more emotional because of it.
The main problem is putting up with all the little children; they cannot read so everyone is reading the subtitles out loud. They are constantly asking questions because it is a little bit hard for them to comprehend what is going on. So, their mommies try to explain it the best they can. Do not worry too much about it though, because the volume is up so loud on the movie you will still be able to hear what is being said in the movie.
After standing in line for two hours, fighting for a good seat, and waiting even longer for the movie to start, you will probably ask yourself if it is worth it. I think you will say, “Yes.”
It is a very entertaining and a very enjoyable movie. I also suggest that you do read the books (if you have not already done so).
–Gigolo Joe
Paging Dr. Frankenstein
How do I love thee, let me count the ways!
I love the nutty things that you always says.
I love you cause you’re silly,
I just love your dog Billy!
I love you for the hats you wear, the way you say, “Cute liddle ol’ Teddy Bear.”
I love you cause you are so good looking, for those high protein donuts that you is a cooking!
I love you for the way you fly airplanes, helicopters, garbage bags!
You’re the best, no one can deny.
I’ve got a bunch for you, of those ta-rash bags!
I don’t care what you eat,
Jus’ so long as it’s not my feet.
Go ahead and shave your head, I hope you like the things I’ve said.
How do I love thee?
Oh, that’s easy.
You’ve got the key to unlock my heart; I love you Murdock my, dear heart.
But alas it’s Dwight I really love
For he is Murdock my Turtle Dove.
Dwight’s the one who gives you soul
Without his talent’s you would be dull.
Steve may have created you with pen and strife; but it is Dwight who gave you life.
You are my favorite, the best there is; I love you both! Here’s to your happiness!
ANNUAL A.V. TECH’S PICNIC
This is Howard Cosell, coming to you almost live, again, from O’Cedar Park on this day of June 18, 1983, bringing you this spectacular clavichord of a final event. If you can possibly remember back to last year’s boring, incipient, passé of events you will unwillingly recall that U.C.K.’s team took home the Aluminum Duck Award. Now, at this time, day, hour, and centon we will see who will win this trichite trophy. Will it be U.C.K. again? Or will it be the Coloradodo Medical Center’s team, or perhaps Jefferson Cuckoo Schools’ team? So far U.C.K. is in the lead, but this final event can turn the situation around.
Paging Dr. Ben Casey
This year’s teams are a trite, tripe, and a tadpole different. The Captain of the Jeff-Cu Team is once again “Randy California” Scott Phifer. Scott’s wife, Kathy, joins him side by side, hand in hand in this competition, as they have not yet been surgically removed from an accidental touch which mysteriously occurred earlier today while using Krazy Glue, which is advertised on those obnoxious, obnubilate, obscurant commercials seen on the idiot box! This may tend to be an unhandy handycap for their team!
The Captain for the Med. Center is once again Sue Big MacEwen. “Suzi, tell me, do you think you’ll win this year?”
“Well, Howard, we’ve taken extra precautions this year.”
“Such as what?”
“Well, you remember last year when we lost the Three Legged A.V. Cart Race?”
“I tried to forget, but unfortunately I had no such luck. You lost that event because Chuckiepoo Cortier’s eyes became blinded when the rubber band around his ponytail broke.”
“Exactly! Well, this year we’ve plastered his hair down with Krazy Glue!’
“Good thinking! Now get out of my limelight!” And once again the Captain of U.C.K.’s team is none other than Mike “Clyde” Marecheck. There is one big problem for U.C.K. this year, which is the one little lady who helped them win so many events last year is not in the running this year. Instead, she is out standing by the lake. “Scrawny Dull, how do you feel about not being able to help your team win?”
“Well, Howard, there’s not much I can do about it. But I can, however, give them support hose by cheering them on! You know, Howie, or perhaps you don’t, we’ve got lots of new people this year. There’s John Daydreamsalot, Ross Dimesadozen, Tunafish Bowens, and Mike Houghwhos!”
“Sounds like a long line up.”
And now, the contestants are lining up for the final event, which is the Single Camera System Shuffle. On the C.M.C. Team are Mark Spasmosa and Pet Jefferson, better known by his friends as P.J. On the U.C.K. team is Beverly Buckanear and John Daydreams N. Technicoloranstereophonicsound. Almost ran out of breath on that name! And they’re off, in more ways than one!
It is very close right now. But this is the easiest part of the course. Uh, oh, U.C.K.’s hit a rut in the path, this is indeed the most guanine sport I have ever seen! U.C.K.’s in trouble, when they hit the Chuck Corkson Hole they also lost a wheel. These ruts are named after Chuck Corkson because he was assigned to dig them up. Strange that there doesn’t seem to be any in C.M.C.’s path!
Randy and spouse are in trouble as they turn around the bend. Yes, an irate instructor has pounced out of the bushes and is yelling at them. I believe the instructor is being played by, Dan Wellwater, one of the Techs from U.C.K.
C.M.C. is definitely in the lead now. Yes, John and Bev have the wheel back on and have continued. But wait, here we have it folks! A double booking has occurred with C.M.C.’s Single Camera System. Yes, they have reached a fork in the road! Do they take it to Glaser Hall or do they give it to the Nurses for a Microteaching class? Decisions, decisions!
Paging Dr. Honeydo
Look at the speed of U.C.K.’s Team! Those two are really hustling it! The crowd is cheering them on; the Leggs are flying through the air!!!
Look at this! Now James Longhorn “The Big Cheese” who is portraying a Dean joins Wellwater! It looks like J.C.S. is out of the game.
Right now we have a tie with U.C.K. and C.M.C. Look at them dodge those Larry Woodchips! Whoa, this pandemonium, boredom is about to put me into unconscious slumber. Now comes the setting up of equipment. They are all well trained in this area. The winner will be the team who gets the first test recording made.
The Phifers are still trying to get by those two men from East Classroom. Can you believe Jim Bob is singing to them with his guitar?
It looks like things are going well. But wait a moment I spoke to soon! Yes, yes, indeed. C.M.C. is out of luck! Somebody has cut one of their co-axial cables and they do not have a spare!
Could it be that someone is cheating? Look at Ross Dimesadozen, he’s grinning from ear to earring. Is that a knife I see in his hand? No matter, undoubtedly U.C.K. is again the winner of the Aluminum Duck Award! “Mike, Mike Marecheck, what do you have to say about your triumph?”
“I knew we could do it!”
“I think you won because your team cheated!”
“So says you!”
“Yeah,” Sue agreed, “they cheated!”
Mike replied, “Likely story! It’s all Scrawny’s fault!”
“That’s it, blame it all on me! I can’t even lift ten pounds anymore! So, put the blame all on my shoulders, I’ll try to hold it up!”
And so, there you have it ladies and gentlemen, another inconsumable, incurrence of indigenous, indignant ragweed malapropism if I’ve ever heard one!
Next year guys and gals don’t call me ‘cause I won’t call you! This is Howard Cosell saying, good day and don’t let your toupee’s sway!
Movie Review
Octopussy
Aside from its almost nasty title we find out that Octopussy is just a nickname given to a daughter by her father while growing up and nada mas!
This movie is filled with stunts, excitement, destruction, death, excitement, and more stunts. The storyline is interesting but the script continuity is poor, very poor.
You would think, if you have a brain that is, that they would have more respect for the audience’s intelligence. All right, so the movie was fun, but we need more than fun, we need intelligence, Mr. Spock! If this movie is to be a spy movie then the plot should be solid, without holes. I think the producers were only thinking about the laughs and the stunts.
Yes, I enjoyed the movie, but after you start to think about what you saw you begin to wonder if the writers were at fault, or if the editor has cut out some vital pieces of information, or if they just think of their audience as unintelligent people who will not notice a slip up. I rate this movie 007.
YELLOWBIRD, I mean, YELLOWBEARD
Yes, you can tell, most certainly, that this is a Monty Python type of movie. It was funny, crude, and had a cast of many wonderful people. There was the late Marty Feltman, Eric Idle’s ‘is Engine, John Cheese (as Blind Pew), Madassa Hat Kahn, Graham Cracker Chapman (as Yellowbeard), Cheap and Chung, and many others! You’ll enjoy this movie if you are a Monty Python fan, and if you don’t like this type of humor then stay home!!!
I rate this movie ARG as in ARG ye mate-tees! Ship ahoy, and all that rot!!!
Good-by NEEMIE, we all shall miss you!
–Mural Inda Woods
HAVE A GREAT 4TH OF JULY WEEKEND HOLLIDAY!!!
This has been a special edition brought to you by GUMMO — the only bubble gum that sticks to the roof of your mouth!!! And remember, it is always blackest right before everything goes dark!!!
Gihon Goose 